Journey 058: Hot and Heavy
The queen of the Kingdom of Women puts on the full-court press for a man who has sworn to never touch women.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 58 of Journey to the West.
Last time, the pilgrims arrived in the Kingdom of Women, a place that had never seen a man but apparently wished for nothing more than a man to come and rule them all, at least judging by the reaction of their queen. When she heard that a monk who was the imperial brother of the Tang emperor had arrived, her first thought was, I should marry him, let him take over the kingdom, and sire tons of sons and grandsons so there will always be a man to rule this land. Sigh.
The superintendent of the government post station that had received the pilgrims now said, “Your majesty’s idea is a great one for ensuring the kingdom’s eternal prosperity. But the imperial brother’s three disciples are very vicious looking.”
“Well, how does the imperial brother look, and how do his disciples look?” the queen asked.
“The imperial brother is quite handsome. He looks like a man from an elite kingdom, befitting a figure from the central kingdom. But his three disciples look vicious and ugly, like demons.”
“In that case, let his disciples take the passport and go to the West on his behalf. Just have the imperial brother stay. Won’t that do?” the queen suggested.
All her officials agreed this was a fabulous idea, but they reminded her, “When it comes to marriage, you must have a matchmaker. As the old saying goes, ‘Matches are made by fate, signaled by the red leaves; husbands and wives are bound by the Moon Elder’s red cord.’ ”
The queen agreed, so she designated the Grand Preceptor as the matchmaker, and the superintendent of the post station as the master of ceremonies, and sent the two of them to go back to the station to propose marriage to San Zang.
Back at the station, the pilgrims were enjoying their meal when the attendants informed them that the superintendent had returned with the grand preceptor.
“Why has the preceptor come?” San Zang wondered aloud.
“Maybe the queen extended an invitation to us,” Bajie speculated.
“Either that, or she’s here to propose marriage,” Wukong said.
“But Wukong, what should we do if they refuse to let us go and force us to marry them?” San Zang fretted.
“Master, just placate them, and I’ll take care of it,” Wukong said.
Soon, the two officials arrived and kneeled to San Zang, who quickly returned the gesture and said, “I am but a monk. What virtue or talent do I have to warrant this?”
The grand preceptor sized up San Zang and saw that he was indeed quite handsome. She secretly rejoiced, thinking to herself, “What good fortunes for our kingdom. This man does qualify to be our queen’s husband.”
The two officials now rose, stood to both sides of San Zang, and told him, “Your highness, congratulations!”
“I’m a monk. Why are you congratulating me?” he asked.
The grand preceptor bowed and explained, “This is the Western Liang Kingdom of Women. We have never had a man in our kingdom. But today, your highness has graced us with your presence. I have come on my queen’s command to propose marriage.”
“Mercy, mercy!” San Zang exclaimed. “I came to your honorable land without any children, and only these three obstinate disciples. Whom are you proposing marriage for?”
The superintendent said, “Just now, I went to court and reported your arrival. Her majesty was extremely delighted. She had dreamed last night of a golden screen emanating brilliant colors and a jade mirror radiating light. When she heard that you were a man from an elite kingdom from the central lands, she was willing to use her entire kingdom as dowry and take you as her husband. You would rule this land. Her majesty is willing to be your queen. So she appointed the grand preceptor to be the matchmaker and me to be the master of ceremonies to come propose this marriage.”
San Zang did not answer and just lowered his head. The grand preceptor pressed him, “A man must not miss an opportunity when he comes across it. There may be many marriage proposals in the world, but you would be hard-pressed to find one that comes with the wealth of an entire kingdom. Please consent quickly, so that we can report back.”
But San Zang just remained silent. Meanwhile, Zhu Bajie pouted and stuck out his snout, calling out, “Grand preceptor, go tell your queen: My master is an arhat who has long cultivated his ways. He would never desire your kingdom’s wealth or her beauty. Tell her to hurry up and stamp the passport so that he can continue West. But I can stay and marry her. How about it?”
The grand preceptor was scared into silence. The superintendent responded, “Even though you are a man, but your appearance is to ugly for her majesty’s taste.”
Bajie chuckled, “You need to be more flexible. As they say, ‘Coarse and fine willows all can be made into different things, and men of all appearances each have their own value.”
Wukong laughed, “Dum-dum, stop your nonsense. We must obey master’s intentions. If we can go, then we go. If we need to stop, then we stop. We shouldn’t interfere with the matchmakers’ job.”
San Zang now asked Wukong what he thought, and Wukong told him, “In my opinion, this is a good place for you. As the old saying goes, ‘A marriage destined across a thousand miles is bound together by a single thread.’ Where would you find a match as good as this?”
“But if we stay here for the sake of wealth and comfort, then who will go to the West to fetch scriptures?” San Zang lamented. “Wouldn’t I have failed the Tang emperor then?”
The grand preceptor cut in, “Your highness, I dare not withhold this information. Her majesty’s intention is to only propose marriage to you, while your three disciples can receive your passport and go to the West and fetch scriptures once they have attended the wedding feast.”
“You’re quite right,” Wukong told her. “We wouldn’t make it difficult. We’re willing to leave our master here to be your queen’s husband. Hurry up and give us our passport so we can go West. Once we get the scriptures, we’ll stop in on the way back to pay our respects and ask for some travel money for our return journey.”
The grand preceptor and superintendent were ecstatic, and they bowed to Wukong to thank him for giving the ok. But Zhu Bajie told the grand preceptor, “Hey, don’t make any empty promises. Since we’ve agreed, tell your queen to arrange a feast for us first and treat us to wine. How about it?”
“Yes, yes! Of course!” the grand preceptor agreed. “I’ll arrange a feast right away.”
And so the two officials left in joyous spirits and went back to report the good news to the queen. As soon as they were gone, San Zang grabbed Wukong and chided him, “You monkey! You’ve ruined me! How can you say such a thing and tell me to stay here and get married while you all go West to see the Buddha? I would rather die than do that!”
“Oh master, don’t worry. How can I not know your true feelings? But considering where we are and whom we’ve run into, we had to play along.”
“What do you mean?”
“If you refuse their offer, they will refuse to give us our passport and let us go. And if they’re wicked, they might even round up a bunch of people and cut off your flesh and stuff it into perfume bags. We wouldn’t come to a good end. We would have to use our demon-taming powers. But you know how deadly we can be. If we really show our stuff, we would kill everyone in this kingdom. Even though they might be preventing us from leaving, they aren’t demons. They’re all humans. And you’re always so compassionate and refuse to harm a single soul. If we kill so many people, how could you bear it?”
“Wukong, that is good logic,” San Zang said. “But if the queen summons me to her palace to conduct the wedding, how could I consent to losing my purity and damaging the virtues of the Buddhist school? If my true essence were to leak away, I would forfeit the body I’ve cultivated through our sacred teachings.”
“Now that you’ve agreed to the marriage, the queen will surely follow royal custom and personally leave the city to welcome you,” Wukong said. “Don’t refuse her invitation. Just sit in her carriage, go to the palace, and sit down. Ask the queen to take out her seal. Then summon the three of us to court, and ask her to stamp the passport, sign it, and give it to us. Then they’ll hold a banquet to celebrate and to see us off. After the banquet, tell her to prepare the royal carriage again, so that you may see the three of us out of the city and then go back to marry her. They’ll be so happy that they wouldn’t suspect anything or harbor any evil intent. Once the party is outside the city, you get off the carriage. Sha Zeng will be by your side and will help you onto your horse. I will cast a spell to freeze the queen and all her entourage in place. We’ll just head West on the main road. After we travel for one day and one night, I’ll undo the spell so that they will wake up and can return to their city. This way, they don’t get hurt, and your purity remains intact. This is called ‘Escaping the net through a fake marriage.’ It’s the best of both worlds.”
San Zang felt as though he had just awoken from a dream upon hearing that scheme. He was delighted and all his worries melted away. He thanked Wukong profusely, and the pilgrims got ready to carry out the plan.
Meanwhile, the grand preceptor and superintendent returned to the palace and told the queen the good news. She was so thrilled that she got out of her throne, rejoiced, and asked for details. The grand preceptor told her, “We went to the post station to see his highness and conveyed your proposal of marriage. He hesitated, but his senior disciple consented on his behalf, stating that he was willing to leave his master here to be your husband and our king, as long as we gave the three disciples the passport and let them head West to fetch scripture. He even said that when they return after their mission, they’ll stop in to pay their respects and ask for travel money.”
The queen laughed and asked what San Zang had to say about all this.
“He said nothing, but he was willing to marry you,” the grand preceptor said, “But his second disciple wanted a banquet first.”
The queen immediately commanded the Ministry of Banquets to do their job. Meanwhile, she prepared to personally leave the city to welcome her future husband. The officials snapped to and busied themselves with preparations. Soon, an impressive entourage marched out of the city and went to the post station.
At the station, attendants informed San Zang and company that the queen had arrived. The pilgrims quickly tidied up their clothes and went out to welcome her. The queen dismounted from her carriage and asked which one was the imperial brother of the Tang emperor, and god please don’t let it be the pig-faced one. The grand preceptor pointed out San Zang, the queen took a close look, saw his uncommonly handsome visage, and basically started swooning.
She opened her cherry-like lips and called out, “Imperial brother, please come share my my phoenix carriage.”
San Zang blushed from ear to ear upon that invitation, and he was too embarrassed to look up. Zhu Bajie, however, had no such qualms. In fact, he couldn’t stop staring at the queen and how gorgeous she was.
Her eyebrows were like kingfisher feathers, and her skin like rich jade. Her face glowed like peach blossoms, and her coiffed hair was piled high with golden phoenix ornaments. Her limpid autumn-wave eyes radiated enchanting charm, while her slender spring-shoot fingers displayed exquisite grace. A crimson gauze shawl draped diagonally across her shoulders shimmered with brilliant color, and jeweled hairpins sparkled with dazzling light. Why speak of the beauty of Wang Zhaojun? She truly surpassed even the ancient beauties. Her willow waist swayed gently, making her golden pendants chime. Her lotus steps moved lightly as her jade-like body glided forward. Even the moon goddess could hardly compare, nor would the celestial maidens of the Ninth Heaven know such beauty. Her palace adornment and elegant style were beyond the ordinary; indeed, it seemed as though the Queen Mother of the West herself had descended from the Jade Pool.
Dum-dum was so taken with the queen that he started drooling and his bones went limp. Meanwhile, the queen approached San Zang, took hold of his arm, and said in a delicate voice, “Imperial brother, please mount my carriage and return to the palace with me, and we shall become husband and wife.”
San Zang trembled so much that he could barely stand, seeming as if he were drunk or in a daze. Wukong, standing to one side, chimed in, “Master, don’t stand too much on ceremonies. Please accompany the queen into the carriage. Let’s hurry up and get the passport, so the rest of us can go get scriptures.”
San Zang did not dare to respond. Wukong gave him a couple nudges toward the carriage, and San Zang could help but shed tears.
“Master, don’t be worried,” Wukong consoled him. “Think of all the wealth you’re going to enjoy.”
San Zang had no choice but to follow his entreaties. He wiped away his tears, collected himself, and approached the carriage hand-in-hand with the queen. Watching them mount the carriage together, all the court officials’ faces broke into broad smiles. The entourage returned to the city, followed by the three disciples. Walking ahead, Zhu Bajie oohed and aahed at the sight of the palace buildings and kept asking where the celebratory feast was.
Some of the officials leading the way got so annoyed at his pestering that they informed the queen, “Your highness, that long-snout, big-eared monk kept making a row about the wedding banquet.”
The queen sidled up to San Zang and asked him in a low voice, “Imperial brother, which of your disciples is that long-snout, big-eared one?”
“That’s my second disciple,” San Zang replied. “He has a huge appetite by nature and is always looking to satisfy his cravings. You must arrange some wine and food for him first, before we can proceed.”
The queen asked if the ministry of banquets was ready, and one of her officials said, “We’re ready. A feast with meat and a vegetarian feast have been prepared in the eastern wing.”
“Why two feasts?” the queen asked.
“We prepared two just in case the imperial brother and his disciples are vegetarians,” the official explained.
The queen, pressing her cheek against San Zang’s, asked him, “Imperial brother, do you eat meat or vegetarian?”
“We eat vegetarian, but haven’t completely given up wine,” San Zang said. “Please give my second disciple a few cups of weak wine.”
The grand preceptor now came over and said, “Please attend the feast in the east wing. Today is an auspicious day, so we can perform the marriage ceremony. Tomorrow, we can ask his highness to ascend his throne and begin his reign.”
The queen was delighted. So she held San Zang’s hand as they dismounted from the carriage and entered the gates to the east wing of the palace. They heard the harmonious sound of music and singing, and saw two rows of exquisite court ladies. In the center of the hall, two giant spreads had been laid out, one meat and one vegetarian.
The queen, holding up a wine cup with her delicate fingers, invited the pilgrims to take their seats. Wukong said, “We are all vegetarians. Master, please sit down at the vegetarian feast on the left, and my brothers and I will sit beneath you.”
“Quite right,” the grand preceptor said happily. “Master and disciples are like father and sons. You must not sit shoulder to shoulder.”
So the maids hurriedly rearranged the seating, and the queen invited them to sit down one by one, offering each a cup of wine. Wukong threw San Zang a look, signaling for him to return the gesture. So San Zang got up, picked up a jade cup, and asked her to sit as well. The rest of the court officials also took their seats, and the party began.
Zhu Bajie started wolfing down everything in sight while chugging five or six cups of wine, all the while shouting, “Refill the cups! Bring me large wine goblets! Let’s each drink a few more goblets and then go about our own business.”
“What business are you talking about? Why not just enjoy this great feast?” Sha Zeng asked him.
Bajie laughed and replied, “As the ancients said, ‘The bow maker should stick to making bows, and the arrow maker should stick to making arrows.’ Right now, some of us are getting married, and some of us are going to get scriptures. Let’s not delay for the sake of drinking. Hurry up and get our passports. As they say, ‘A general doesn’t get off his horse; let’s each gallop toward our destiny.’ ”
Hearing this, the queen ordered the servants to bring out big goblets, which they promptly did and filled them to the brim, and everyone chugged a cup. San Zang then got up, pressed his palms together, and said to the queen, “Your majesty, thank you so much for the wine. We’ve had enough. Please go to the throne room, issue the travel papers, and send the three of them out of the city while it’s still early in the day.”
The queen obliged him. Taking him by the hand, she concluded the feast and went to the throne room. There, she yielded the throne to San Zang, but he declined, telling her, “This won’t do. As the grand preceptor had said, tomorrow is the proper day for me to take the throne. Today, please give my disciples the passport and send them on their way.”
The queen agreed. So she sat back down on her throne and told her servants to set up a golden chair next to her for San Zang to sit in for now. She then asked the disciples to bring forth their passport. Sun Wukong told Sha Zeng to retrieve the passport from their bundle. He then presented it to the queen with both hands. The queen studied it and saw the stamps from various kingdoms that the pilgrims had passed through on their journey. She examined it some more and then asked San Zang with a smile, “Imperial brother, your last name is Chen?”
“My family name was Chen, and my Buddhist name was Xuanzang,” he explained. “Because the Tang emperor honored me by claiming me as his imperial brother, he bestowed upon me the last name Tang.”
“Why aren’t your disciples’ names on your passport?”
“My three obstinate disciples are not citizens of the Tang kingdom.”
“In that case, why were they willing to follow you on your journey?”
So San Zang explained how he had collected each of the three disciples along the way and told the queen, “The three of them had each violated the laws of heaven. The Bodhisattva Guanyin saved them from their suffering and guided them toward the right path so that they may atone for their offenses by protecting me on my journey west to fetch scriptures. Since I took them in during my journey, their names haven’t been added to the passport.”
“How about I add them for you?” the queen asked.
“I will obey your majesty’s desire.”
So she picked up her ink brush and wrote the names of the three disciples on the passport. Then, she took out her royal seal and stamped it. She then finished it off by signing the passport as well. Finally, she gave the passport back to the disciples. Wukong received it and told Sha Zeng to stash it in their luggage.
The queen then had her servants bring out a tray of loose pieces of gold and silver. She got up from her throne, and presented the tray to Sun Wukong, telling him, “Take this for travel money. May you reach the West soon. When you return with scriptures, I will thank you handsomely.”
“We’re monks,” Wukong said. “We don’t accept money. We must beg for everything on our journey.”
So the queen instead offered them 10 bolts of fine fabric so they can make some travel clothes for themselves. But Wukong declined these as well. She then told her servants, “Bring three stones of rice, so that they may cook a meal for themselves on the road.”
When he heard the word “rice,” Zhu Bajie hurriedly accepted it and packed it into the luggage.
“Hey brother,” Wukong teased him, “the luggage looks heavy now. Are you strong enough to carry it?”
Bajie laughed and replied, “You don’t understand. Rice is a commodity that gets used up day by day. It’ll be gone after one meal.”
As the disciples thanked the queen, San Zang told her, “May I trouble you to accompany me while I see the three of them off outside the city? I would like to leave them with some parting instructions for their journey. Then I will return and enjoy an eternity of prosperity with your majesty without any lingering concerns.”
The queen was like, whatever you want, honey bunny! So she instructed her entourage to set out once more. She and San Zang rode in her carriage side by side and headed out through the west gate of the city. All across the city, the residents turned out to see the queen and her soon-to-be hubby.
Soon, the entourage had exited the west gate. Sun Wukong, Zhu Bajie, and Sha Zeng stood together and shouted to the queen, “Your majesty, no need to escort us too far. We’ll take our leave here!”
At that, San Zan climbed off the carriage and told the queen, “Your majesty, please return to your city, and allow me to resume my pilgrimage.”
The queen was stunned. She clutched San Zang’s arm and said, “Imperial brother, I am offering you my entire kingdom to take you as my husband. Tomorrow, you shall ascend the throne and become king, while I willingly become your queen. We’ve already drunk the celebratory wine. How can you change your mind now?!”
Zhu Bajie, however, put on his feral hog face, sticking out his snout and flapping his ears as he rushed to the front of the carriage and shouted, “We monks have no business playing husband and wife with a powdered skeleton like you! Let my master go at once!”
The queen was scared out of her mind by this wild pig, so much so that she fell backward into her carriage. Meanwhile, Sha Zeng hustled San Zang through the crowd and was just about to help him onto his horse. But suddenly, from the side of the road, a woman came out of seemingly nowhere and shouted, “Imperial brother, where are you going?! I want to have some fun with you!”
“You ignorant hussy!” Sha Zeng cursed as he swung his Buddhist staff at her head. But the woman suddenly summoned a wild gale, and with a whoosh, San Zang had vanished without a trace.
Ah crap!
All this while, Sun Wukong and Zhu Bajie were preparing to cast a spell to freeze the queen and her officials. But then they heard the sound of the wind and the panicked cry from Sha Zeng. When they turned around, they saw that their master was nowhere to be found.
“Who abducted master?” Wukong asked.
“Some woman!” Sha Zeng replied. “She summoned a tornado and swept him away.”
Wukong quickly soared into the sky and looked all around. He saw a swirl of dust blowing toward the northwest. He quickly shouted to Bajie and Sha Zeng, “Brothers, hurry up and fly with me to chase after master!”
So the other two disciples stashed their luggage on the horse and also soared into the sky. This sight stunned the queen and her officials. The officials fell to their knees and said to the queen, “Turns out they are all arhats who can fly. Your majesty, don’t be startled. The imperial brother truly is a cultivated monk. We were blind and misjudged the men of the central kingdom, and wasted our energy. Please get back in your carriage and go back to court.”
At that, the queen returned to her kingdom, filled with shame at having thrown herself at a monk who, by all accounts, was not moved in the slightest. Of course, this is the kind of stuff that sparks fan fiction. In basically every TV and movie adaptation that deals with this encounter, the story is changed so that San Zang, despite his purity of mind and purpose, was seriously tempted by the queen, and it takes all his self-control to stay the course. In fact, this is one of the most memorable episodes of the original 1986 TV show, and a song from that episode became a hit that remains beloved to this day. In one of the steamier scenes, the grand chancellor led San Zang to a part of the palace to … umm … “view the kingdom’s national treasure.” San Zang was surprised to find that he was actually in the queen’s bed chamber. As he apologized profusely and tried to explain that the chancellor had told him he was just coming to see the national treasure, the queen, lying on her bed behind a semi-transparent screen, told him, yeah, feast your eyes on the national treasure. And the screen is pulled back, revealing her in the most alluring outfit deemed permissible by censors on 1980s Communist television, flashing him come-hither glances.
But anyway, we’ve got a bigger problem at the moment than unfaithful adaptations of classical works of literature for popular entertainment. San Zang was presently missing, the victim of an abduction by what seemed like a female demon who was looking for some good times. To see where she has absconded with him, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Luỹ Tre Xanh Ngát Đầu Làng (Guzheng) – Vietnam BGM” by VPRODMUSIC_Asia_BGM
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)
- “The Quiet Aftermath by Sir Cubworth (from YouTube audio library)