Gods 037: Pins and Needles
A missing umbrella and seemingly every slain foe’s refusal to stay dead are proving to be a pain for the commanders of the Shang army.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 37 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, Jiang Ziya and company were holed up inside Western Qi, unable to counter the powerful magical weapons of the Mo (1) brothers who were leading the latest siege on the Zhou capital. The Mo brothers, meanwhile, couldn’t break through the city’s defenses. The stalemate had gone for almost a year when Jiang Ziya got a new Daoist helper by the name of Yang (2) Jian (3), who immediately went out to face the Mo brothers.
As we rejoin the action, the Mo brothers had surrounded Yang Jian at the foot of the city and were engaged in a fierce fight. But in the midst of this action, an interloper cut in. His name was Ma (3) Chenglong (2,2). He was a granary officer who was delivering provisions to resupply Western Qi. When he approached the city, he found his way blocked by the fighting. Ma Chenglong was a valiant soldier who rode a red-hare horse and wielded twin blades. When he saw the fighting up ahead, he shouted, “Here I come!” and galloped into the fray to take on the four Mo brothers.
Well, the fourth brother, Mo Lishou (3,4), was rather annoyed at having their fight interrupted. So he quickly unleashed his magic weasel, which sailed through the air and bared its fangs. Next thing you knew, Ma Chenglong was missing the top half of his torso, and the magic weasel was letting out a satisfied burp.
Now, most people who witnessed a sight like that would probably go, “What the hell?!” and run away. But Yang Jian was rather delighted, because he got a glimpse of one of the Mo brothers’ magic weapons. But just then, Mo Lishou unleashed his weasel again, this time at Yang Jian. And in the blink of an eye, Yang Jian was also missing the top half of his torso.
On the Zhou side, Nezha, who had accompanied Yang Jian out for this fight, saw what happened and went, “What the hell?!” and ran back inside the city to tell Jiang Ziya that umm, yeah, the new help was … not much help at all. And also now dead. This latest setback left Jiang Ziya brooding.
Outside the city, the Mo brothers returned to camp to celebrate their victory. They drank until about 9 p.m. And then, an idea occurred to Mo Lishou. “Brothers, why don’t we release my weasel into the city,” he said. “If it can eat Jiang Ziya and the Martial King, then the war is won, and we can go home. There would be no need to keep waiting out here.”
“You’re right, brother!” the eldest brother, Mo Liqing, said. So Mo Lishou took his weasel out of the pouch and told it, “My treasure, if you can eat Jiang Ziya, you will have done a great deed.” And then, he released the weasel into the air.
As it flew out of camp and toward the city, the weasel suddenly let out a loud shriek and fell to the ground. And then a figure appeared and with one chop of his hand, broke the weasel into two halves.
Inside Western Qi, around midnight, Jiang Ziya was still up and discussing military affairs with Nezha. Suddenly, his men came in and told him, “Uhh, Yang Jian is back.”
“What?! How can a dead man come back to life?” exclaimed a stunned Jiang Ziya, who came back from the dead himself a couple episodes ago.
So, as it turns out, Yang Jian intentionally allowed himself to get eaten by the weasel. He had immense powers, including the ability to transform into 72 different things, and I guess one of those 72 things was the top half of his torso. After the weasel gobbled him up, he actually was hiding in its stomach, listening to the Mo brothers’ scheme. And then, when the weasel was flying toward the city, he gave its heart a hard pinch and brought it down. He then emerged from its stomach and karate-chopped it to death.
Jiang Ziya sent Nezha out to ascertain the truth of Yang Jian’s return. Nezha, who was reborn from lotus after disemboweling himself, went to the door and asked, “Brother Yang, you died. How did you come back?”
“We are all Daoist disciples; we just have different powers,” Yang Jian said. “Hurry up and open the door. I have urgent intel.”
So Nezha opened the door, and Yang Jian went in and explained to Jiang Ziya what had happened. Jiang Ziya was ecstatic and said, “To have someone with your powers, now I have no reason for concern!”
“I need to go back to the enemy camp now,” Yang Jian said.
“But how can you go back?” Nezha asked.
“Thanks to my master’s teachings, I have my ways,” Yang Jian said. “I will act as the situation dictates. I can’t discuss the details.”
“What magic do you have? Show us a thing or two,” Jiang Ziya said.
So Yang Jiang spun and transformed himself into the magic weasel, which amused Nezha greatly. Yang Jian then said, “I’m off,” and was about to head out, but Jiang Ziya called him back.
“Since you have such great powers,” Jiang Ziya said, “go steal the Mo brothers’ magic weapons so they can’t use them.”
Yang Jian now flew out of Western Qi and landed back in the Mo brothers’ tent, still in the form of the weasel. Mo Lishou heard his killer pet come back, so he picked it up and took a look, but it didn’t seem like the weasel had eaten anyone. Oh well, worth a try. It was really late, so the Mo brothers just went back into the tent and fell into a drunken slumber.
While they snored, Yang Jian hopped out of the pouch that Mo Lishou had put him in. He saw the Mo brothers’ magic weapons hanging on the wall. He reached over and tried to grab them, but the hook fell off, and while he grabbed the magic umbrella, the other weapons fell to the ground.
The clang woke up the second brother, Mo Lihong. But he was sleepy and drunk, so he didn’t look too closely. “Ah, the hook fell off,” he grumbled as he picked up the weapons on the ground and hung them back up and fell right back asleep, never realizing that his magic umbrella was not among them.
Later that night, Yang Jian showed up back inside Western Qi and presented the magic umbrella to Jiang Ziya. He then took the form of the weasel again, went back into the enemy’s camp, and slipped back inside the leopard-skin pouch.
The next morning, the Mo brothers woke up and realized that the magic umbrella was gone. Mo Lihong fell into a panic and ordered his men to search all around the camp, but to no avail. “I depend on that umbrella to win battles. Now what do I do?” he lamented. The four brothers were so troubled by the missing treasure that they paid no attention to military affairs.
Meanwhile, far from the battlefield, in the Purple Sun Cave on Green Peak Mountain, the Daoist master Virtue of the Pure Void suddenly felt a disturbance in the force and told his acolyte to go summon the disciple Huang Tianhua (1,4). Remember that this was Flying Tiger’s eldest son, whom Virtue of the Pure Void had … umm, what’s a nice way to say “kidnapped as a baby”? Oh well, let’s not dwell on unimportant details.
Anyway, Virtue of the Pure Void told Huang Tianhua, “I’m sending you down the mountain. You and your father will render service to the Zhou lord. Come with me.”
He then brought Huang Tianhua to the peach orchard and bestowed upon him a pair of mallets as weapons, which Huang Tianhua quickly learned to wield skillfully.
“I will also give you my mount, the Jade Qilin, and my Fire Dragon Javelin,” Virtue of the Pure Void said. “My student, you must not forget your roots. Stay true to the Daoist way.”
“I would never dare to stray,” Huang Tianhua said. He then bid his master goodbye, mounted the Jade Qilin, tapped it on the horn, and took to the air. Soon, he arrived at Western Qi and went to Jiang Ziya’s office. The doorman went inside and told Jiang Ziya, “Yeah you’ve got another Daoist looking for you.”
Jiang Ziya summoned him in and asked where he was from. Flying Tiger cut in and said, “This is my eldest son. He’s a disciple of Virtue of the Pure Void on Green Peak Mountain.”
Jiang Ziya was delighted and said, “General, you have a son who’s following the Dao? This is marvelous!”
So Flying Tiger brought his son back home and they celebrated their reunion with a feast. Well, Huang Tianhua, being a Daoist, was supposed to abstain from meat. But he broke that prohibition during the feast. He then redid his hair, trading in the twin-coil Daoist look for a golden headdress and a red robe, golden armor, and jade belt that were befitting a royal officer.
The next day, when Huang Tianhua went to see Jiang Ziya, the latter said, “You are a Daoist. Why did you change into this look? I may be prime minister, but even I have not dared to forget my Daoist roots. You just left your master yesterday, and you’ve already changed? Get back into your Daoist clothes.”
Huang Tianhua promptly did as he was ordered and said, “I came here to help defeat the Mo brothers. That’s why I dressed up like an officer. I would never dare to forget my Daoist roots.”
“Well, the Mo brothers are also wielding Daoist magic, so you must be on guard,” Jiang Ziya said.
“My master has given me instructions, so I have nothing to worry about,” Huang Tianhua said. He then asked for and received permission to go out and challenge the Mo brothers. He mounted the Jade Qilin and rode out with his twin mallets.
When the Mo brothers got word that some upstart was seeking battle, they rode out and saw this young officer riding on a jade qilin. They asked for his name, and he said, “I’m none other than Huang Tianhua, the eldest son of Lord Flying Tiger. I have come on Prime Minister Jiang’s command to apprehend you.”
The eldest Mo brother, Mo Liqing, was enraged and charged forward on foot with spear in hand. Huang Tianhua raised his mallets, and they started trading blows. After 20 exchanges, Mo Liqing suddenly unleashed his white jade ring, and with a flash of light, it struck Huang Tianua squarely in the back, knocking him off his saddle. Mo Liqing was just about to cut off his head, but Nezha shouted, “Don’t you harm my Daoist brother!” and charged out on his hot wheels to keep Mo Liqing busy while Zhou soldiers carried Huang Tianhua back to their lines.
Meanwhile, after fighting Nezha for a while, Mo Liqing again unleashed his jade ring, and Nezha also hurled his Universal Ring at the same time. The Universal Ring was gold, and apparently, gold beats jade, because Nezha’s ring smashed Mo Liqing’s ring to pieces.
Mo Liqing and his second brother Mo Lihong were both pissed and now they came to double-team Nezha. And their third brother, Mo Lihai, was about to start plucking his magic lute. Seeing that he was outnumbered, Nezha quickly retreated into the city, and the Mo brothers went back to their camp, grumpy about having lost another of their magic weapons.
Meanwhile, inside the city, Jiang Ziya and company checked on Huang Tianhua, and found that he was dead from his injury. Flying Tiger wept bitterly, and Jiang Ziya was also quite unhappy.
While Huang Tianhua lay in state at the prime minister’s office, the doorman suddenly reported that another Daoist acolyte was requesting an audience. Jiang Ziya summoned him in and asked who he was.
“I am a disciple of Master Virtue of the Pure Void, from the Purple Sun Cave,” the young boy answered. “My master instructed me to come carry my Daoist brother Huang Tianhua back to our mountain.”
Jiang Ziya was delighted, and allowed the boy to take Huang Tianhua’s body. When the acolyte got back to the cave, Virtue of the Pure Void came out and saw the state that Huang Tianhua was in. He instructed the acolyte to fetch water and dissolved a pill. He pried open Huang Tianhua’s lips and poured the solution into his mouth. Within two hours, Huang Tianhua blinked and opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was his master standing next to him.
“How did I come to be here?” Huang Tianhua asked.
Virtue of the Pure Void laid into him, hard. “You scoundrel! You ate meat after you left here. That was your first offense. And then, you forgot your Daoist roots and discarded your Daoist garb. That’s your second offense. If not for Jiang Ziya’s sake, I would not have saved you!”
Huang Tianhua kowtowed and begged for forgiveness. His master now handed him something and told him, “Hurry back to Western Qi. When you meet the Mo brothers again, you will succeed. Also, I will join you soon.”
So Huang Tianhua took his leave and fast-traveled back to Western Qi. He went to Jiang Ziya’s office and recounted what his master had told him, and Flying Tiger was delighted to get his son back.
The next day, Huang Tianhua again rode out and demanded to face the Mo brothers. The Mo brothers were like, didn’t we just kill this guy? Who actually stays dead in this novel? Nonetheless, they went out and saw that Huang Tianhua was indeed very much alive and shouting, “We’ll see who’s the better man today!”
Mo Liqing charged out to face him again, and they had traded just a few blows when Huang Tianhua turned and rode away. Mo Liqing gave chase. When Huang Tianhua saw him charging in, he hung up his mallets, took out a silk pouch, and opened it. Inside was a needle about seven-and-a-half inches long and emitting a bright glow. This was called the Heart Piercing Needle. Guess what it does.
As Mo Liqing closed in on his foe, he suddenly felt a pang of pain shoot through his chest. He let out a cry and crumpled to the ground. Seeing him fall, the second Mo brother, Mo Lihong, became enraged and charged out with his halberd. By now, Huang Tianhua had retrieved the needle, and when he saw Mo Lihong coming at him, he let it fly again, and in the blink of an eye, Mo Lihong also laid dead in the dirt.
The third brother, Mo Lihai, shouted, “You scoundrel! What did you use to harm my brothers?!” Well, he found out before he could take two steps forward, as the needle pierced his heart as well.
The last remaining brother, Mo Lishou, was fuming. He rushed out and reached into his pouch to unleash his killer weasel. But as he stuck his hand into the pouch, he suddenly felt a painful bite. Remember, this wasn’t actually his weasel anymore. It was Yang Jian (3) in disguise. And when Yang Jian saw him reaching in, he decided to take a bite, and ended up chomping off Mo Lishou’s entire hand up to the wrist. And to top it all off, while Mo Lishou was screaming in pain, he suddenly felt a sharp object shoot through his heart, and he stopped screaming.
Sizing up his handiwork, Huang Tianhua now casually strolled over to cut off the heads of his four slain foes. Suddenly, he saw the magic weasel transform into a human being. Yang Jian introduced himself and said, “I was lying in wait on Prime Minister Jiang’s command. It is truly heaven’s blessing that you were able to kill all four of them today.”
Just as they were talking, they saw Nezha rolling onto the scene to congratulate them on their victory. The three gave each other high-fives and returned to the city to recount the battle to Jiang Ziya, who was delighted and ordered that the heads of the four Mo brothers be displayed atop the city wall.
One day in the Shang capital, Grand Tutor Wen Zhong was sitting in his office when he got word that the commander of Wandering Soul Pass had secured a string of victories against the rebellious Grand Duke of the East. That was followed by a report that the commander of Three Peaks Pass had done likewise against the Grand Duke of the South and forced him to retreat. So this was amazing news, because those rebellions had been going on for god knows how many years now, and it looked like the Shang was finally turning the tide and restoring some semblance of order.
And then, a report arrived from Han (2) Rong (2), the commander of Sishui Pass. Wen Zhong took one look and smacked his desk in anger.
“Who knew that the four heroes of the Mo family would all be slain in Western Qi?! What skills does Jiang Ziya possess that he could humiliate our armies and generals like this?!”
As he fumed, Wen Zhong got so angry that his third eye was wide open and shooting out white light. When he calmed down a bit, he thought to himself, “Fine! Now that things are calming down in the East and South, I will go see the king tomorrow and personally lead a campaign against the Zhou. That’s the only way to bring them to heel.”
So the next day, Wen Zhong went to court and requested permission from King Zhou (4) to let him lead an army West. King Zhou agreed. Wen Zhong picked an auspicious date, made the necessary sacrifices, and prepared to set out. King Zhou personally saw him off and offered him a cup of wine.
Taking the wine, Wen Zhong bowed and said, “Your servant promises to exterminate the rebels on this trip and bring peace to our borders. I hope your highness will take my advice and be judicious in all things. Do not let there be a rift between you and your officials. I will return in no more than half a year.”
“Grand Tutor,” King Zhou said, “with you leading this campaign, I have no worries. I will await your good news soon.”
And so, Wen Zhong drank a few cups and then set out. But as he climbed into the saddle, his ride, the Black Qilin, let out a loud cry and bucked, throwing Wen Zhong to the ground. All the officials were aghast and quickly helped him up.
As Wen Zhong straightened out his clothes, an official said, “Grand Tutor, it’s not a good omen for you to fall out of your saddle on the day that the army sets out. Please send an officer to lead the campaign in your place.”
“You’re in error, sir,” Wen Zhong said. “As a vassal, one should sacrifice his body and forget his family in service of his country, and think nothing of his own life on the field of battle. It’s commonplace for officers to be killed or injured in war, so what’s there to be afraid of? I’m guessing my mount hasn’t been on campaign in a long time, so it was feeling the need to stretch. That’s all. Please don’t mention this again.”
He then ordered the army of 300,000 to set out. They left the capital, crossed over the Yellow River, and arrived at Mianchi (3,2) County. The local commander came out to welcome them, and Wen Zhong asked what was the closest route to Western Qi. The commander told him to take the road toward Green Dragon Pass, so Wen Zhong ordered the army to head that way.
The shortest route, however, turned out to be far from the easiest route. After they went through Green Dragon Pass, the road became so narrow that they could only march two in a row, and the terrain became increasingly treacherous. Wen Zhong was starting to regret taking this route instead of just following the main thoroughfare through the five passes.
One day, the army approached the foot of Yellow Flower Mountain, a towering peak that looked impenetrable. Seeing this, Wen Zhong ordered his men to stop while he rode up to a peak to take a look. He saw a flat plain that looked like a battlefield. As he took in the majestic sight of the mountain, he sighed and said, “What a mountain! How great would it be if the country is at peace and I can come here to get away from it all.”
While he was feasting his eyes on the beautiful scenery, he suddenly heard the sound of a gong behind him. He quickly turned around and rode back down the mountain to see what’s up. At the foot of the mountain, he saw an army of bandits lined up in the Long Serpent Formation. At their head was a warrior with a blue face and crimson hair, baring protruding teeth and dressed in a suit of golden armor and a red battle robe. He was seated atop a black horse and wielded a giant battle ax.
As Wen Zhong made his way back down the mountain, one of the bandit lackeys spotted him and told the warrior, “Boss, someone is up there scouting out our lair.”
The warrior looked up, saw Wen Zhong, and became incensed. He ordered his men to step back while he galloped up the mountainside. Wen Zhong saw this heroic-looking figure approaching and was secretly delighted as he thought to himself, “If I can recruit him, he will be of use against Western Qi.”
While he was thinking that, the warrior had already arrived in front of him and shouted, “Who the hell are you?! You’ve got some gall to come spy on our mountain!”
“I’m just a Daoist appreciating this peaceful mountain,” Wen Zhong said. “I would like to build a thatched hut here, so that I have a place to read Daoist texts. General, would you allow it?”
The warrior got even angrier and cursed, “You damn sorcerer!” and charged with his ax. Wen Zhong quickly pulled out his twin golden staffs to counter, and the two started trading blows on the mountain. Wen Zhong was no stranger to combat and had seen more than his share of tough opponents, so this guy was not really much of a concern for him. Nonetheless, Wen Zhong recognized that he did have some skills, and thought to himself, “If I can recruit him for this campaign, even if he doesn’t render great service, he will make some kind of contribution.”
Wen Zhong now turned and rode away toward the East, and his foe gave chase. When he heard his opponent’s horse bells getting closer, Wen Zhong suddenly turned and pointed with his golden staffs, and golden walls suddenly erupted out of the ground, trapping the bandit warrior inside. Wen Zhong now rode back to his old spot on the mountain, dismounted, sat down on a rock, leaned up against a pine tree, and waited to see what would come next.
Meanwhile, the bandit lackeys ran back to their lair and told two other chieftains that their leader had been lured into a cloud of yellow smoke by some Daoist dressed in red and then vanished. The two chieftains asked where the Daoist was now, and the lackeys said, “He’s sitting on the mountain.”
The two enraged chieftains now led their troops up the mountain. Seeing this, Wen Zhong casually mounted his ride, pointed at them with his staffs, and shouted, “Slow down!”
When they saw that Wen Zhong had a third eye on his head, the two chieftains were surprised and yelled back, “Who are you? How dare you cause trouble here? Where did you take our brother?! Send him back unharmed, and we’ll spare your life!”
Wen Zhong told them, “That blue-faced guy was antagonizing me for no reason, so I killed him with my staff. What do you want? I just wanted this mountain so I can meditate here. Will you consent to it?”
Judging by the fact that the two chieftains now charged at him, I guess the answer was no. One chieftain was wielding a spear, while the other was swinging two staffs. Wen Zhong fought them for a bit, and then turned and rode toward the South. The two chieftains gave chase, and Wen Zhong merely pointed at them, and in an instant, one was trapped by a deluge of water from nowhere, while the other was trapped by a forest that sprang out of the ground.
Wen Zhong now rode back to his old spot, sat down again, and was like, ok, what else you’ve got?
The bandit lackeys now ran back to their base and told the last remaining chieftain, who was second in command, that his three comrades had been slain by a Daoist. When he heard that, he let out a cry of anguish as a pair of wings unfurled from his back, lifting him into the air.
As Wen Zhong sat waiting, he suddenly heard a thunderous roar from the sky as someone shouted, “You damn sorcerer! You killed my brothers! How can I let you live?!”
Wen Zhong opened his third eye and saw a vicious-looking figure swooping down from the heavens. He had a pair of wings and wielded a pair of mallets. His face was the color of a red date, and fangs protruded from his jaws.
Wen Zhong was delighted at this sight. “What a truly uncommon hero!” he thought to himself. In the next second, the chieftain’s mallets were on their way to his head. Wen Zhong quickly parried the blow with his staffs, and the two engaged in a dogged back-and-forth. In the middle of the fight, Wen Zhong turned and rode toward the East.
“Sorcerer! Don’t you run off! Here I come!” the chieftain roared as he gave his wings a flap and closed in. But just then, Wen Zhong dropped his staffs, pointed at him, and shouted, “Trap him with the rocks of this mountain!”
In that moment, a divine bodyguard appeared and literally dropped a mountain on the flying chieftain, knocking him out of the air and squishing him under a giant pile of rocks. Wen Zhong now turned around and raised his staff, ready to strike. To see what will become of his foes, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “The Quiet Aftermath by Sir Cubworth (from YouTube audio library)
- “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)
- “Day of Recon” by Max Surla/Media Right Productions (from YouTube audio library)