Journey 064: Bull Shite
Sun Wukong finds himself knee-deep in his former sworn brother’s relationship drama when all he wants is to borrow a fan for 15 minutes.
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Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 64 of Journey to the West.
Last time, the pilgrims were stuck in front of a literal Mountain of Flames. They got some good news from the locals though. There was a Princess Iron-fan nearby who possessed a magical Banana Leaf Fan that could extinguish the flames long enough for them to cross. The bad news, however, was that she was the mother of Red Boy, a demon that Sun Wukong had subdued earlier on the journey with Guanyin’s help. From Sun Wukong’s perspective, Red Boy was now living the good life as Guanyin’s atten dant, but Princess Iron-fan didn’t quite see it that way, and she held a huge grudge against Wukong. But then Wukong used a little dirty trick, slipped inside her stomach, and held her innards hostage until she produced the fan, at which point he came out, took the fan, said thanks, and went off.
Wukong now flew back to the house where the rest of the pilgrims were waiting. He landed, went inside, leaned the fan against the wall, and asked the old man who was hosting them whether that was the magic fan. The old man said yes, and San Zang was elated.
“Good pupil, you have done great service!” he exclaimed. “It must’ve taken a lot of work to borrow this treasure.”
“Not that much work, actually,” Wukong said. He then recounted his bad blood with Princess Iron-fan, and how he eventually … convinced her to give up the fan. San Zang thanked him profusely, and then the pilgrims took leave of their host and headed toward the Mountain of Flames.
As they traversed the 15 miles to the mountain, they could feel the heat getting more and more intense. Sha Zeng and Zhu Bajie both complained about the bottom of their feet burning, and even the horse was trotting faster than usual on account of the scorching ground.
Wukong said, “Master, please dismount. Brothers, pause for a bit. Let me go put out the flames. Once it has rained and the ground is cooler, then we can cross the mountain.”
So he flew to near the flames on the mountain, raised the Banana Leaf Fan, and waved it with all his strength. Now, this fan’s magic worked in such a way that one wave of the fan would put out the fire, two waves would bring wind, and a third wave would make it rain. But Wukong’s first wave not only did not extinguish the flames, it made them shoot up even more. So he gave it a second wave, but this made the fires a hundred-fold stronger. A third wave made them shoot up a thousand-fold. The flames roared so high into the heavens that even Wukong was caught up in them. By the time he fled from the thick of the fires, the hairs on his thighs had been singed off.
Dashing back to the rest of the party, Wukong shouted, “Turn back, turn back! The fire is coming this way!”
San Zang hurriedly climbed back into the saddle and fled a good six or seven miles East with Bajie and Sha Zeng before they were able to stop and catch their breaths.
“Wukong, what happened?” San Zang asked.
Throwing the fan to the ground, Wukong shouted, “This didn’t work! That fiend fooled me!”
That made San Zang’s brows furrow and his tears flow as he fretted about what to do.
“Hey brother, why did you tell us to run away?” Zhu Bajie asked.
“When I waved the fan once, the flames got stronger,” Wukong said. “A second wave made the flames rise. A third wave made them shoot up a thousand yards into the sky. If I hadn’t been quick on my feet, all my hair would’ve been burned off!”
Bajie laughed, “You always brag about how not even thunder or fire could hurt you. Why are you afraid of fire today?”
“Dum-dum, what do you know?! Usually I’m careful and on guard, so I avoid injuries. But today, I was focused on extinguishing the flames, so I didn’t cast a fire-repelling spell or any protection spells. That’s why the hairs on my legs got singed off.”
“With that furnace blocking the way West, what should we do?” Sha Zeng asked.
“Well, we’ll have to go where there isn’t any fire,” Bajie said.
“Where is there no fire?” San Zang asked.
“East, South, and North,” Bajie replied.
“And where are the scriptures?” San Zang asked.
“Uh, in the West.”
“I only want to go where the scriptures are,” San Zang said with determination.
“[Sigh] Where the scriptures lie, there is fire. Where there is no fire, there is no scripture,” Sha Zeng lamented. “We are stuck between a rock and a hard place!”
Just as the pilgrims were talking amongst themselves, they suddenly heard someone shout out, “Great Sage, don’t be troubled. Come have some food first, and then figure it out.”
They turned and saw an old man. He wore a cloak that fluttered in the wind and a crescent-shaped cap on his head. In one hand he carried a dragon-headed cane, and his feet were shod in iron boots. Behind him followed a demon with an eagle’s beak and fish-like gills. The demon carried on his head a bronze basin that held some steamed buns, rice cakes, and porridge, along with yellow millet.
These two figures kneeled on the road west, and the old man said, “I am the Earth Spirit for the Mountain of Flames. I knew that you, Great Sage, was protecting the Tang Monk and that you couldn’t go forward, so I have come to present you with a meal.”
“Nevermind the meal, when will these flames go out so that my master can cross?” Wukong asked.
“If you want to put out the flames, you must borrow the Banana Leaf Fan from Princess Iron-fan,” the earth spirit said.
“What, this one?” Wukong said as he picked up the fan from the ground. “It only made the flames stronger.”
The earth spirit looked and laughed, “That’s not the real fan. You’ve been had.”
“How can I get the real fan then?” Wukong asked.
The earth spirit bowed, smiled, and said, “If you want to borrow the real fan, you must seek out the Bull Demon King.”
“What, did he start this fire?”
“No, but I dare not tell you the truth unless you pardon my offense.”
“What offense have you given? Just tell me.”
“This fire was started by you, Great Sage.”
“What?! When? What kind of nonsense is that? I’m no arsonist!”
“You don’t recognize me, do you?” the earth spirit said. “This mountain didn’t always exist. Five hundred years ago, when you caused the ruckus in heaven, you were captured and taken to Laozi, who put you in his Eight Trigram Cauldron. When he opened the cauldron, you escaped and kicked it over. A few pieces of burning coal fell and landed here. Their fires turned this place into the Mountain of Flames. I used to be one of the people tending to the cauldron in Laozi’s palace. But he faulted me for what happened, so he banished me here, and I became this place’s earth spirit.”
“Ah, no wonder you are dressed like this,” Bajie said. “Turns out you were a Daoist turned earth spirit.”
Wukong, however, was still skeptical, and he asked, “Explain why I need to go find the Bull Demon King.”
“He is Princess Iron-fan’s husband. But he ditched her and is currently at the Cloud-Scraping Cave on Thunder-Gathering Mountain. There was a fox demon king there, but he died and left only a daughter named the Jade-Faced Princess. She has tons of property but no man to manage it. A couple years ago, she heard that the Bull Demon King is powerful, so she offered all her property to take him as her husband, and he abandoned Princess Iron-fan and hasn’t been back in a long time. If you can find him and ask him to come back here, only then can you get the real fan. Then, you can put out the flames and help your master go forward. You’d also banish the woes of the flames forever, which would be a blessing for the people of this area. And I would get to go back to heaven and report back to Laozi.”
“Which way is Thunder-Gathering Mountain from here, and how far?” Wukong asked.
“Directly due South, about 1,000 miles away.”
Wukong now told Sha Zeng and Bajie to protect San Zang and instructed the earth spirit to keep him company. He then soared into the heaven and disappeared.
Within an hour, Wukong saw a tall mountain ahead. He landed on its peak, and it was a gorgeous mountain. It summit brushed the heavens, while its roots dug deep into the ground. The sun warmed the front side of the mountain, where even in the depths of winter, the plants and trees seemed unaware of the seasons. Behind the cold ridge, frost and ice remained unmelted even through the heat of summer. Dragon pools joined mountain streams that flowed without end, while tiger dens nestled beneath the cliffs, where flowers bloomed early. A thousand branching currents streamed like flying jade, while masses of flowers spread out like embroidered brocade. And so on and so forth.
After taking in the sights, Wukong walked down from the peak and went deep into the mountain to find a path. Just as he was coming empty, he suddenly saw a young woman in the shade of pine trees. She carried a freshly plucked sprig of fragrant orchid in her hand and swayed gracefully as she walked in Wukong’s direction. Wukong hid behind a rock and took a close look. She was gorgeous, with a coy beauty that could bring an empire to its knees. With a face that rivaled the famed beauties of ages past, she was like a flower endowed with speech, a piece of fragrant jade come to life. Her glossy black hair was piled high in an elegant coiffure. Her dark, green-tinted eyes shimmered like autumn pools. Under her silk skirt peeped a pair of tiny embroidered shoes, while from her jade-green sleeves emerged long, delicate wrists.
As the woman walked past the rock where he was hiding, Wukong came out, bowed, and said respectfully, “Lady Bodhisattva, where are you going?”
The woman turned in the direction of his voice and was startled by his countenance, but she had nowhere to retreat to in the moment, so she said while trembling, “Who … who are you? Who are you looking for here?”
Wukong thought to himself, “I can’t tell the truth about borrowing the fan. She might be connected with the Bull Demon King. I must pretend to be a relative of his and just say that I’m here to see him.”
But as he was thinking, the woman got tired of his silence and she said angrily, “Who are you?! How dare you accost me?!”
Wukong bowed, smiled, and said, “I’m from Jade Cloud Mountain. This is my first time here, so I don’t know the roads. May I ask, is this Thunder-Gathering Mountain?”
“It is,” the woman answered.
“And where is the Cloud-Scraping Cave?”
“Why are you looking for that cave?”
“I was sent by Princess Iron-fan from the Banana Leaf Cave on Jade Cloud Mountain to come see the Bull Demon King.”
The second the woman heard those names, her face became flushed with anger, and she started cursing, “That ignorant harlot! The Bull Demon King hasn’t been with me for even two years yet, and he’s given her who knows how much precious jewels, gold, silver, and fabric. All her needs are taken care of, and she can live without a care in the world. Has she no shame?! Why is she looking for him?!”
Hearing this, Wukong figured that this woman must be the Jade-Faced Princess. He pulled out his golden rod and shouted, “You whore! You used your property to purchase the Bull Demon King. Have YOU no shame?! How dare you curse someone else?!”
The Jade-Faced Princess was scared out of her mind. She turned and ran, with Wukong following right behind. Turns out, her cave was just on the other side of the grove of pine trees, so she rushed back to the cave, ran inside, and shut the doors behind her.
Huffing and puffing, with her makeup smeared with sweat, the Jade-Faced Princess ran into the Bull Demon King’s study, where he was reading a Daoist alchemist text. She collapsed into his lap, grabbed his face, and started wailing.
“Hey beautiful, don’t be so troubled. What’s up?” he asked her with a wide smile.
Jade Face hopped to her feet and started cursing, “Damn demon, you just about killed me!”
“Why are you mad at me?” the Bull Demon King asked with a chuckle.
“I was orphaned, so I took you as my husband to protect me. Everyone said you were a hero. Turns out you’re a useless bum!”
Pulling her into his arms, the Bull Demon King said, “Beautiful, what have I done wrong? Tell me, and I’ll apologize.”
“Just now, I was outside taking a stroll and picking flowers, when suddenly, a hairy-faced, pointy-mouthed monk came out of nowhere and scared me stiff. I asked who he was, and he said he was sent by Princess Iron-fan to come find you. I just cursed her a couple times, and he started cursing me and tried to hit me with his rod. If I hadn’t been quick on my feet, he could’ve killed me! This is all because of you!”
The Bull Demon King now comforted her for a long time and got her to calm down. He then said, “Beautiful, to tell you the truth, that Banana Leaf Cave may be remote, but it’s a peaceful, carefree place. My wife had cultivated herself since her youth and is a refined immortal. She runs a strict household, and there’s not a single man in her cave, not even a child. So how could there be a pointy-mouthed man here on her behalf? It must be some demon coming under false pretenses to find me. Let me go have a look.”
So he stomped out of his study, donned his armor, grabbed an iron staff, and went outside.
“Who dares to act up around here?!” he shouted.
Wukong looked and saw that the Bull Demon King looked quite different than when they were sworn brothers 500 years ago. He wore a polished, gleaming iron helmet, a suit of magnificent golden armor, embroidered in brocade and threaded with velvet. On his feet were deerskin boots with upturned toes and pale soles. Around his waist was fasted a three-stranded, lion-ornamented silken belt. His eyes flashed like shining mirrors. His brows glowed like crimson rainbows. His mouth was like a basin of blood, and his teeth were arrayed like plates of bronze.
Tidying up his clothes, Wukong approached, bowed deeply, and said, “Brother, do you still recognize me?”
“Are you Sun Wukong, the Great Sage Equal to Heaven?”
“Exactly! It’s been too long since I’ve paid my respects. Just now, I was asking a woman in order to get to see you. You look more splendid than ever! Congratulations!”
“Cut the crap! I heard that you caused a ruckus in heaven and was pinned under the Five Elements Mountain by the Buddha. Recently you were freed and was protecting the Tang monk to go west to see the Buddha for scriptures. But why did you do harm to my child at the Fire Cloud Cavern at Dead Pine Ravine?! I was just thinking about how pissed off I am at you; why are you here to find me?”
“Brother, don’t falsely blame me,” Wukong said. “Your son had captured my master and was going to eat him. I couldn’t get near him, but fortunately the Bodhisattva Guanyin helped save my master and convinced your son to follow the right path. Right now, he is the Page Sudhana. He occupies a place even higher than you. He is immortal and lives in the happiest of circumstances. What’s wrong with that? Why are you mad at me?”
“Slick-tongued monkey!” the Bull Demon King cursed. “You may be able to explain away how you harmed my son, but how do you explain threatening my beloved just now?”
“Brother, I couldn’t find you, so I was asking her,” Wukong laughed. “I didn’t realize that was your second wife. She cursed me a bit, and I acted coarsely and startled her. Please pardon me!”
“In that case, on account of our past bond, I’ll let you go.”
“I can’t thank you enough for your kindness. But I have one request; please help me out.”
“Damn monkey! Don’t you know any better? I’ve spared you, and yet you refuse to leave and insist on pestering me to help you out?!”
“To tell you the truth, I was protecting the Tang monk on the journey west. We were stuck at the Mountain of Flames. The locals told us that your wife, Princess Iron-fan, had a Banana Leaf Fan. I wanted to borrow it, so I paid her a visit. But she refused, so I’ve come to see you. Please be kind and go see her with me and get her to lend me the fan, so that I can put out the flames and escort my master across the mountain. And then I’ll return it right away.”
The Bull Demon King became furious. Gritting his teeth, he cursed, “How dare you?! So you are after the fan. You must have disrespected my first wife. She must have refused to let you borrow it, so you’ve come to find me, and then you chased my beloved concubine! As the saying goes, ‘A friend’s wife must never be dishonored, and a friend’s concubine must never be threatened.’ And yet you’ve done both. How rude you are! Taste my staff!”
“Brother, if you want to fight, I’m not afraid,” Wukong said. “But I sincerely need to borrow your treasure! Just let me use it quick!”
“If you can hold your own against me for three exchanges, then I’ll tell my wife to let you borro wit! But if not, I’m going to kill you to sate my anger!”
“Just as well, brother! I haven’t seen you in a long time. I don’t know how your fighting skills are compared with the old days. Let’s show each other a thing or two.”
The Bull Demon King didn’t bother replying, and just raised his staff and attacked. Wukong pulled out his golden rod, and the two faced off in the air. They dueled for 100-some exchanges without a winner.
In the heat of battle, someone suddenly called out from a peak, “Mr. Bull, my lord sends his regards and an invitation. Please go at once.”
The Bull Demon King blocked Wukong’s rod with his staff and said, “Insolent monkey, just you wait! I need to go attend a friend’s party first, and then I’ll be back!”
And so he flew back down into the cave and told the Jade-Faced Princess, “Beautiful, that pointy-mouthed man is the insolent monkey Sun Wukong. I chased him away; he wouldn’t dare to come back again. Don’t worry. I’m off to have a drink with a friend.”
And then he changed into a dark-blue velvet jacket, went outside, hopped on his Water-Parting Golden-Eyed Beast, instructed his minions to watch things at home, and then flew off toward the northwest.
Now, of course we know that the Bull Demon King didn’t actually chase off Sun Wukong, so this was kind of half-ass and irresponsible of him to just go off partying. As he left, Sun Wukong was watching from a high peak.
“Hmm, what friend is that old bull running with?” Wukong thought to himself. “Where’s he going for this party? Let me follow him.”
So he turned into a gust of clear wind and tailed the Bull Demon King. Soon, they arrived at a mountain, and suddenly, the Bull Demon King vanished from sight. Wukong turned back into himself and went down into the mountain to have a closer look. He found a deep, clear pool. On the edge of the pool stood a stone tablet that said, “Ragged Rock Mountain, Green Wave Pool.”
“Old Bull must’ve gone underwater,” Wukong thought. “There must be some aquatic demons down there. Let me go down and have a look too.”
So he uttered an incantation and turned himself into a big crab weighing about 40 pounds. He hopped into the water and sank to the bottom. There, he saw a fancy archway, and underneath it was tethered the Bull Demon King’s ride, the Water-Parting Golden-Eyed Beast.
There was no water on the other side of the archway. Wukong skittered inside to have a close look, and he heard music coming from the other side of the wall. Inside a splendid palace with scarlet walls, shell-adorned gateways, golden-tiled roof, and white-jade doors, the Bull Demon King was sitting and drinking with an old dragon demon and his family.
As Wukong approached, the old dragon saw him and shouted to his minions, “Apprehend that rogue crab!”
His dragon kins rushed forward and grabbed Wukong. Wukong shouted, “Spare me, spare me!”
“Where did you come from, you wild crab?!” the old dragon asked. “How dare you intrude in the presence of a guest? Confess now, and I’ll spare your life!”
Wukong replied, “I was born in a lake and have always made my living there, with a cave beside the cliffs as my humble dwelling. After many years I finally grew into this form and was appointed an armored officer licensed to scuttle sideways. I trudge through grass and drag myself through mud, a clumsy creature who has never learned the proper forms of courtly behavior. Not knowing the rules, I have offended Your Majesty. I humbly beg Your graciousness to forgive my crime!”
Hearing this, the other demons at the banquet bowed to the old dragon and said, “This crab is an officer and this is his first time in the palace. He didn’t know any better. Please spare him and let him go.”
The old dragon agreed, so the other demons told the guards, “Let him go. We’ll take a raincheck on his beating. Have him wait outside for orders.”
Wukong uttered his thanks and went outside back to the archway. He thought to himself, “Old Bull is busy drinking. Who has time to wait for him to get done? And even then, he wouldn’t give me the fan. Let me steal his ride, take his form, and go trick Princess Iron-fan into giving me the fan so I can get my master across the mountain.”
So he turned back into his own form, untethered the Golden-Eyed Beast, hopped into the saddle, and rode it out of the pool. He then assumed the form of the Bull Demon King and spurred the Golden-Eyed Beast to take to the air. Soon, he landed outside the Banana Leaf Cave and called for the doors to be opened. Two of the maids opened up , saw who it was, and rushed inside to tell Princess Iron-fan, “Mistress, master is home!”
Iron-fan hurriedly tidied up her hair and rushed outside to welcome her husband. She led him back inside hand in hand and instructed her maids to serve tea.
Once they sat down and formally greeted each other, Iron-fan said, “My lord, you abandoned me after your new marriage. What brings you today?”
“Oh I would never dare to abandon you,” the fake Bull Demon King said. “But after the Jade-Faced Princess took me as her husband, I’ve had to deal with a lot of household business and had many visits from friends, so I’ve had to temporarily stay away while I was managing a second household. But I recently heard that fiend Sun Wukong was approaching the Mountain of Flames while escorting the Tang monk. I was worried that he would come ask to borrow your fan. I despise that scoundrel and haven’t avenged my son yet. If he comes here, send someone to alert me. I will catch him and chop him to pieces to appease our anger.”
When she heard that, Iron-fan wept and said, “My lord, as they say, ‘A man without a wife has no one to watch over his wealth, just as a woman without a husband has no one to watch over her.’ That damn monkey almost killed me!”
“What?! When did that monkey go past the mountain?!”
“Oh he hasn’t yet. He came here yesterday to borrow my fan. On account of what he did to our son, I went out with my sword and cut him. Bearing the pain, he called me his sister-in-law and said he and you were once sworn brothers.”
“Yes, 500 years ago, we did swear the oath.”
“Well, he didn’t dare to talk back to me while I cursed him, and he didn’t dare to fight back when I hacked at him. Then I used my fan and blew him away. But then he found a wind-calming trick somewhere and came back this morning. I kept waving the fan at him, but he wouldn’t budge. And then I attacked him with my sword and he fought back. I was afraid of his rod, so I went back inside and locked the door. But then he slipped in somehow, slipped into my stomach, and I almost lost my life! I had to make nice and let him take the fan.”
Pretending to beat his chest, her imposter husband lamented, “Oh pity! Honey, how could you?! How could you have given the treasure to that damn monkey?!”
“My lord, calm down,” Iron-fan laughed. “I gave him the fake fan to trick him into leaving.”
“Where’s the real fan then?”
“Don’t worry; it’s safe.”
Iron-fan now told a maid to bring wine to welcome her husband back. She raised a cup and said, “My lord, even with the joy of your new marriage, you must not forget the wife you took in your youth. Please drink a cup of wine from home.”
Wukong had to play along, so he laughed, took the cup, and said, “Honey, you drink first. Because I had to manage another house’s property, I’ve been away from you for a long time. Thank you for watching over our home.”
Raising her cup and handing it back to him, Iron-fan said, “As the old saying goes, ‘A wife is her husband’s equal, and a husband is the one who provides for and sustains his wife.’ What need is there to thank me?”
And as wife and fake husband chitchatted, Iron-fan started drinking. Wukong did not dare to break the prohibition on drinking, so he just ate a few fruits and kept talking. After a few rounds, Iron-fan started to get a little buzzy, and a little touchy as her hands started wandering on her … umm … husband.
To see where this is going, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Luỹ Tre Xanh Ngát Đầu Làng (Guzheng) – Vietnam BGM” by VPRODMUSIC_Asia_BGM
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)
- “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)