Journey 036: Cheap Imitations
Sun Wukong keeps the demon lords off balance with forgeries of everything — fake gourds, fake rope, fake minions, fake mother ….
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Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 36 of Journey to the West.
Last time, Sun Wukong used a little trickery to get his hands on two of the five magical treasures that belonged to the demon lords of Lotus Flower Cave. Then, when the demon lords decided to invite their old mother to come help them, Wukong secretly killed the two lackeys that were sent to invite her. He then took the form of one of those lackeys and turned a hair into the other. And these two imposter lackeys then went to the old mother’s abode. At her cave entrance, they called out for the doors to be opened. A demon maid cracked the door slightly and asked who they were.
Sun Wukong replied, “We were sent from the Lotus Flower Cave on Flat-Top Mountain to invite the old madam.”
The demon maid showed them in. After going through two sets of doors, they saw an old woman sitting high and mighty. She had snow white hair, a ruddy, wrinkled face, just a few teeth, but a majestic manner. She looked like a chrysanthemum in the frost, and her face was the color of old pine trees after the rain. She wore a white silk scarf around her head, and her earrings were studded with jewelry.
Sun Wukong now thought to himself, “I’ve used my powers to turn into a demon lackey to come invite that old demon. It won’t do if I stand up right while talking to her. I have to kowtow to her instead. Alas, being the hero that I am, I would only ever kowtow to three people. The Buddha in the West, the Bodhisattva Guanyin, and my master. When my master freed me at Twin Borders Mountain, I kowtowed to him four times, and since then I have given my body and soul for his sake. But now I have to go kowtow to this she-devil? If I don’t, I would give myself away. Oh woe! It’s only because my master is in trouble that I would endure such humiliation.”
The thought of this actually brought him to tears as he stood outside the second set of doors. But he collected himself, went in, and kowtowed. The old she-demon told him to get up and asked where he was from.
“I’m from the Lotus Flower Cave on Flat Top Mountain,” Wukong said. “My two lords commanded me to come invite you to go eat the Tang monk’s flesh, and to bring along your Dazzling Golden Cord to capture Sun Wukong.”
The she-demon was delighted. “What good filial sons they are!” she exclaimed. She then called for her sedan chair. While Wukong secretly marveled at how even a demon had a sedan chair, two young demon maids brought out a sedan chair made of fragrant rattan. They set it down and lifted up the green gauze curtain. The old she-demon sat down inside the sedan chair, and a few of her maids stood ready with her stuff. But she told them, “Why are you coming along? I’m going to my sons’ place. There’ll be no shortage of people there to look after me. I don’t need you to fuss over me. Go on back, shut the door, and take care of our home.”
So the demon maids all went back, and only two demon lackeys remained to carry her sedan chair. She then asked the messengers for their names.
“My name is Ocean Dragon,” Wukong said, and then he pointed at his monkey hair comrade. “And he is Mountain Tiger.”
“You two go on ahead and lead the way,” the she-demon said.
“What rotten luck,” Wukong thought to himself. “I haven’t gotten any scripture yet, and now I have to be her slave.”
But, he’s come this far, so he’s gotta play along. So he led the way and shouted loudly for her lackeys to lift her chair and follow along.
After a couple miles, Wukong sat down on a cliff and waited for the entourage to catch up. When they did, he said to the demon lackeys, “How about we take a break? Your shoulders must be sore from the weight of the chair.”
The lackeys set the sedan chair down, and Sun Wukong, while hiding behind the chair, pulled a hair from his chest and turned it into a big steamed bun and acted like he was munching it. The lackeys asked what he was eating, and he told them, “It’s kind of embarrassing. I had to come all this way to invite the madam. But I didn’t get any reward, and my stomach is growling. This was just a little dry ration that I brought with me. Let me eat a few bites before we get back on the road.”
“Hey, how about letting us have some, too,” the sedan-carrying demon lackeys said.
“Sure, we’re all family, so no problem,” Wukong said.
The two lackeys gathered around to share in the bun, but while they were busy dividing up the snack, Wukong pulled out his golden rod and brought it down on their heads. One of the lackeys’ skull was smashed and he died instantly. The other was grazed and groaned in pain. The old she-demon heard the groan, so she poked her head out of the sedan chair to see what’s up. She was greeted by Sun Wukong’s rod, which left a hole in her head as her brain and blood spilled out.
Wukong pulled the she-demon’s carcass out of the chair, and saw that she was actually a nine-tailed fox demon. He chuckled, “You damn beast, calling yourself Old Mother? If you’re Old Mother, then I’m Great Grandpa!”
He now searched the fox demon and found the magic golden cord. He stashed it away, giving him three of the five magical treasures that the demons possessed. He then pulled off a few hairs and turned them into Mountain Tiger, Ocean Dragon, and the two sedan-carrying lackeys. He himself transformed into the old fox demon and sat down in the chair. His monkey-hair lackeys lifted up the chair and carried him toward Lotus Flower Cave.
Soon, they were at the cave, and the monkey-hair versions of the lackeys called for the gates to be opened. The lackey guards reported this to their lords, and the two demon kings came out and set up an incense table to welcome their quote unquote “mother.” Now THIS made Sun Wukong giddy.
“My turn to get some respect,” he thought to himself. “I had to kowtow to that old demon, but now, I’m the old demon, and these guys are kowtowing to me. Looks like I came out ahead.”
He exited the sedan chair, which the lackeys brought into the cave. He then was escorted with great fanfare and deference into the main hall, which was swirling with the smoke of incense. He sat down in the big chair, and the two demon lords kneeled and kowtowed to pay their respects.
While this was happening, Zhu Bajie, who was hanging from the ceiling in one of the wings of the hall, let out a laugh. Sha Zeng, who was hanging in the other wing, asked why he was laughing.
“We were worried that once the demons’ mother had arrived, we would get steamed and eaten,” Bajie chuckled. “Turns out it’s not their mother, but a familiar face.”
“What do you mean?” Sha Zeng asked.
“The Stable Monkey is here.”
“How can you tell it’s him?”
“Heh, when the she-demon bent down to say, ‘Get up, my sons,’ I saw a monkey tail poke out behind her. I’m hanging higher than you are, so I had a better angle.”
“Well, don’t say anything,” Sha Zeng said. “Let’s see what he’s up to.”
Sun Wukong now asked the demon lords, “My sons, why did you invite me here?”
Golden Horn said, “Mother, we’ve been slack on showing our filial piety as of late. But today, my brother captured the Tang monk from the East. We did not dare to eat him just by ourselves. We wanted to invite you here and present him to you alive. Then we can steam him and let you eat him, so that you add to your longevity.”
“Oh son, I don’t care about eating the Tang monk’s flesh,” Wukong said. “But I hear that Zhu Bajie’s ears are quite tasty. Cut them off and prepare them so I can have them with my wine.”
Zhu Bajie did not take kindly to that little jest. He cursed, “You damn stable monkey! You want to cut off my ears?! You won’t like what I have to say!”
Welp! That one outburst blew Sun Wukong’s cover. And just then, a couple lackeys who had been on patrol duty rushed in and said, “My lords, there’s a problem! Sun Wukong killed your mother. That must be him in disguise!”
When Silver Horn heard that, he immediately pulled out his Seven-Star Sword and attacked Wukong. Wukong simply twisted and vanished in a red glow, leaving the demon lords dumbfounded in his wake.
Golden Horn now said to Silver Horn, “Brother, let’s just give the Tang monk, Sha Zeng, Zhu Bajie, the white horse, and their luggage all back to that Sun Wukong and be done with this mess.”
But Silver Horn pushed back. “Brother, what kind of idea is that? How much effort did I spend to capture that monk? And yet you’re so afraid of Sun Wukong that you would just give the monk back?! That’s the act of a coward who shies away from combat, not that of a real man. Just sit and don’t fret. I’ve heard you say how powerful that Sun Wukong is. Even though I have encountered him, I haven’t fought him. Let me don my armor and fight a few exchanges with him. If he can’t beat me, then the Tang monk will still be food for us. If I can’t beat him, then we can still return the Tang monk to him.”
Golden Horn agreed, so Silver Horn put on his armor, grabbed his sword, and stomped out, shouting, “Sun Wukong, where did you go?!”
Wukong was hovering up in the clouds at the moment. When he heard the demon call his name, he looked down and saw Silver Horn clad in a phoenix helmet, a shiny suit of armor, a girdle woven from dragon sinews, and soft leather boots that had folds like plum blossoms.
“Sun Wukong, return my treasures and my mother, and I’ll spare your Tang monk and let you go on your way to get scripture!” Silver Horn shouted.
Umm, wait, did he just offer to let San Zang go? What kind of threat is that? But no matter. Sun Wukong wasn’t exactly listening anyway. He now cursed: “Damn demon, you didn’t even recognize your granddaddy! Hurry up and return my master, my brothers, our horse, and our luggage, and give us some travel money so we can be on our way. If you dare to utter so much as half a no, then I’ll tie you up with your own magic rope. It would save me from having to do it myself.”
Silver Horn now leaped into the air, and the two went at it amid the clouds for 30-some exchanges without a winner. Sun Wukong was actually happy to find someone who was a match. But he was also eager to get this fight over with so he can finish the whole rescue operation. He thought about using the magic gourd or vase to bottle up Silver Horn, but then he thought, “What if I call his name and he doesn’t answer? That would spoil my plan. Let me use the golden cord instead.”
So he used one hand to deflect Silver Horn’s sword with his rod, and with the other hand, he tossed the golden cord into the air. It immediately wound itself tightly around Silver Horn. Well, that was easy.
Actually, not so much. See, this WAS Silver Horn’s treasure, after all, and he knew its secrets. Specifically, he knew two incantations that controlled the cord. One made it tighten, while the other made it loosen. So Silver Horn now recited the cord-loosening spell, and the rope immediately released him. He now took the rope in hand and hurled it at Sun Wukong, and it immediately wrapped itself around Wukong. Before Wukong could use his powers to slip away, Silver Horn had muttered the cord-tightening spell, and the rope bound Wukong tightly.
Silver Horn now raised his sword and took seven or eight hacks at Wukong’s head, but they didn’t even leave a scratch.
“Damn monkey! You have a hard head!” Silver Horn said. “Fine, I won’t kill you yet. I’ll take you back with me and beat you. Return my treasures at once!”
“What treasure?! When did I ever take anything of yours?” Wukong scoffed, playing dumb.
Well, Silver Horn searched him and found the magic gourd and vase. With all three missing treasures now recovered, AND with Sun Wukong captured, Silver Horn now reported back to Golden Horn. As soon as Golden Horn saw his prisoner, he was delighted and ordered Sun Wukong be tied up against a column. This done, the two demon lords went to their private quarters to celebrate with wine.
As Sun Wukong fidgeted against the column, Zhu Bajie heard the rustling and laughed from the ceiling, “Hey brother, looks like you don’t get to eat my ears anymore!”
“Hey dum-dum! How’s it hanging?!” Wukong shot back. “I’m going back outside now; I’ll save you all.”
“You’re so shameless! You can’t even get yourself out, much less save us,” Bajie scoffed. “Alas, alas. Looks like we’ll all die together. At least we’ll travel to the Underworld together!”
“Stop it with your nonsense. Watch me!”
“Yeah, I’ll watch how you get out.”
While he was chatting with Zhu Bajie, Wukon was eyeing the demons. The demon lords were in the back drinking, and a few lackeys were busy going in and out to refill their wine. While they were busy with that, they weren’t paying close attention to the prisoners. When no one was looking, he managed to slip his golden rod out of his ear, blew on it, and muttered, “Change!”
The rod turned into a steel file. Putting the file in his mouth, he needed only a few strokes to cut through the loop of the cord around his neck. He then slipped out, pulled off a hair, turned it into a doppelganger of himself, and left it tied up against the column. He himself turned into a demon lackey and stood next to the column.
Zhu Bajie now opened his big mouth again, “Oh no! Oh no! The tied-up one is fake. Only the hanging ones are real!”
“Hey, what’s that Zhu Bajie shouting about?” Golden Horn called out from the back.
Sun Wukong, in demon lackey form, told him, “That Zhu Bajie was telling Sun Wukong to shapeshift and slip away, but Sun Wukong refused to. So they were arguing.”
“What?!” Golden Horn exclaimed. “And they say that Zhu Bajie is honest. Turns out he’s a scoundrel! He deserves 20 whacks to his mouth with a stick!”
So Sun Wukong acted like he was about to carry out Golden Horn’s command, as he approached Bajie with stick in hand.
“Hey hey, go easy on me,” Bajie said. “If you hit me too hard, I’m going to shout again. I recognize you!”
“Dammit, I’m shape-shifting for your sake,” Wukong whispered. “Why did you blow my cover? None of the demons in this cave recognized me, so how did you?”
“Heh, you might’ve changed your face, but you didn’t change your butt. You have two red butt cheeks, right? That’s how I recognized you.”
Hearing that, Sun Wukong quickly slipped into the kitchen, got some soot from the bottom of the wok, and rubbed it on his butt.
“Ha!” Bajie laughed again. “Now that monkey has a black butt.”
Sun Wukong now went to the demon lords and said, “My lords, look at that Sun Wukong fidgeting left and right while trussed up to the column. He might wear out the magic golden cord. We should switch it out with some heavy-duty ropes instead.”
“You’re right,” Golden Horn said. “So he took off his lion girdle and gave it to Wukong. Wukong used it to tie up his doppelganger. He then stashed the magic golden cord in his shirt, then pulled off a hair and turned into a fake Chinese knockoff of the golden cord, and gave that to Golden Horn. Golden Horn was busy drinking and didn’t pay much attention as he took the cord.
With that treasure back in his hands, Wukong now slipped out of the cave, turned back into his true form, and shouted, “Demons!”
The lackey guarding the gate asked who he was, and Wukong said, “Hurry up and tell that damn demon lord of yours that Kongwu Sun is here!”
The lackey did so, and Golden Horn was alarmed. “We’ve captured Sun Wukong, so how come we now have this Kongwu Sun?!”
Silver Horn reassured him, “Brother, there’s no need to be afraid. We have our treasure back. Let me take the gourd outside and bottle him up.”
“Be careful, brother,” Golden Horn cautioned him.
Silver Horn now walked out with magic gourd in hand. He saw that this Kongwu Sun looked just like Sun Wukong, except maybe a tad shorter.
“Where did you come from?” Silver Horn asked.
“I am Sun Wukong’s brother. I heard you captured him, so I have come to settle the score with you!”
“That’s right; I did capture him,” Silver Horn boasted. “He’s in my cave. Since you’ve come here, you must be looking for a fight. I won’t trade blows with you. I’ll just call your name once. Do you dare to answer me?”
“Ha! If you call my name a thousand times, I’ll answer you ten thousand times,” said Sun Wukong.
So Silver Horn pulled out his gourd, turned it upside down, and shouted, “Kongwu Sun!”
Well, despite his boast just a second ago, Sun Wukong was hesitant to answer, since he knew what the gourd could do.
“Why didn’t you answer me?!” Silver Horn demanded.
“Huh? Oh, I’m a bit hard of hearing. You have to speak up!” Sun Wukong said.
So Silver Horn called out again, louder this time, “Kongwu Sun!”
Sun Wukong thought to himself, “My real name is Sun Wukong. Kongwu Sun is just a made-up name. That gourd shouldn’t be able to bottle me up by my fake name.”
And with Silver Horn calling his fake name again, he couldn’t bear it anymore. So he answered. Aaaaannd he was immediately sucked into the gourd. So I guess this was a smart magic gourd.
Silver Horn now slapped the seal with Laozi’s name on the gourd and went back inside the cave. Inside the gourd, it was pitch black. Wukong tried to push the top open with his head, but it won’t budge. He now started to get restless and thought, “Those two demon lackeys told me that whoever gets bottled up inside the gourd or the vase would be dissolved into pus in a few hours. Could that happen to me?”
But then, he thought better of it. “Nah! It can’t dissolve me. Five hundred years ago, when I caused a row in heaven, they put me in Laozi’s cauldron for 49 days. It made my body impenetrable. This can’t dissolve me in a few hours. Fine, I’ll just let him take me inside the cave and see what he’ll do.”
Silver Horn went back inside the cave and told Golden Horn, “Brother, I’ve got him!”
“Whom?”
“Kongwu Sun. He’s inside the gourd.”
Golden Horn rejoiced, “Good brother, have a seat. Just wait until you hear liquid sloshing inside when you shake the gourd. Then you can take the seal off.”
Hearing this, Wukong thought, “How the heck can I slosh around without melting? … I know, let me take a pee. When he hears that sloshing around, he’ll open the seal, and I can slip out.”
But then he thought, “Wait, wait. That won’t do. Pee may slosh, but it would dirty my clothes. When he shakes the gourd, I’ll just spit. He’ll hear the saliva sloshing around and open the seal. Then I can escape.”
So Wukong waited, ready to let loose a few loogies as soon as the demons shook the gourd. Except, the demon lords were so occupied with drinking that they were in no hurry to shake the gourd. So Wukong decided to give them a little reminder.
“Oh heavens! I’m melting!” he shouted.
Still, there was no shake. So he shouted again, “Oh mother of god! Even my pelvis has melted!”
Now this caught Golden Horn’s attention. He told his comrade, “Even his waist has melted. He should be about done. Open up the seal and have a look.”
Hearing that, Sun Wukong quickly pulled of a hair and turned it into a half-melted doppelganger of himself and left it in the bottom of the gourd. Meanwhile, he transformed into a tiny bug and perched near the mouth of the gourd. As soon as Silver Horn lifted the seal, Wukong flew out and quickly turned into Ocean Dragon, one of the lackeys that he had killed earlier.
Golden Horn, meanwhile, peeked inside the gourd and saw a half-melted monkey. He quickly told Silver Horn, “Brother, cover it back up! He’s not all melted yet.”
Silver Horn did as instructed, while Sun Wukong chuckled under his breath next to him. Golden Horn now filled a cup full of wine and offered it to Silver Horn with both hands, saying, “Good brother, accept this toast from me.”
“Brother, we’ve drinking all this while. Why the toast now?” Silver Horn asked.
“Not only did you catch the Tang monk, Zhu Bajie, and Sha Zeng, but you also tied up Sun Wukong and bottled up Kongwu Sun. With such service to your name, you deserve a few more toasts.”
Touched by those words, Silver Horn accepted the toast. Except he had one hand on the gourd and he didn’t want to slight his brother by taking the toast with just the other hand. So he handed the gourd off to the lackey standing next to him and accepted the toast with both hands.
And of course, that lackey next to him was none other than Sun Wukong. As the two demon lords continued to drink and toast each other, he stood there, holding the magic gourd. When the demon lords were distracted, he quickly stashed the gourd into his shirt and turned a hair into a fake gourd that looked exactly the same. He now held the fake gourd while tending to the demon lords.
After a while, the demon lords took the gourd back and returned to their drinking. Sun Wukong took that opportunity to take his leave, rejoicing secretly all the while. He thought to himself, “These demons try so hard to catch me, but it’s like trying to scoop the moon out of the water. On the other hand, it would be like melting ice over a fire if I were to try to catch you.”
He now slipped outside the cave, turned back into his true form, and shouted, “Demons, open up!”
The lackey at the gate asked again, “Who are you?! How dare you make a ruckus here?!”
“Hurry up and tell that old demon of yours that I, Wukong Sun, is here!”
So the lackey reported this to his masters, and Golden Horn again was alarmed. He said to Silver Horn, “Ah crap, brother! We’ve roused a hornets’ nest. The golden cord is tying up Sun Wukong, and the magic gourd is bottling up Kongwu Sun. But now there is a Wukong Sun? All his brothers must be coming.”
“Brother, no worries,” Silver Horn said. “My gourd can bottle up 1,000 people. I just bottled up one Kongwu Sun, so why fear this Wukong Sun? Let me go take a look and bottle him up too.”
So he now swaggered outside with his gourd, or the fake monkey-hair knockoff of his gourd, and shouted, “Who are you?! How dare you make a fuss around here?”
“You don’t recognize me? Well, I used to live on Flower and Fruit Mountain, in the Water Curtain Cave. Because I turned heaven upside down, I was punished for a long time. But now I have escaped my calamity, abandoned Daoism, and followed Buddhism. I’m going to the Thunderclap Temple to seek scriptures and the proper path. But I’ve run into some two-bit demon showing off their powers. Return the Tang monk so that he may continue West. Then we can call a truce and each tend to our own business. Don’t piss me off, or you’ll be dead!”
Silver Horn replied, “Come over here. I’m not going to fight you, but will you dare to answer if I call your name?”
“Go ahead and call my name, and I’ll answer,” Wukong said with a smile. “But would you dare to answer me if I call YOUR name?”
“I’m calling your name because I have a magic gourd that can bottle up people,” Silver Horn said. “But why would you call my name?”
Umm, way to show your hand there, buddy, telling your foe what’s in store if he answered when you call his name. Anyway, Sun Wukong replied, “I also have a gourd.”
“Show me.”
Wukong pulled out the real magic gourd, flashed it in front of Silver Horn, and quickly tucked it back into his shirt, lest Silver Horn tried to grab it.
Silver Horn was stunned and thought to himself, “Where did his gourd come from? How come it looks exactly like mine? Even if they grew on the same vine, they would at least be of different sizes. How can they be exactly the same?”
He now asked, “Wukong Sun, where did your gourd come from?”
Sun Wukong had no answer for this, so he turned the question around and asked, “Where did YOURS come from?”
It seems like Silver Horn must have lost a few IQ points for plot convenience, because he answered unsuspectingly, “My gourd’s origins date back to the time of creation, when heaven and earth were separated. Lao Zi, assuming the name of the goddess Nüwa (3,1), baked rocks, which he used to patch up holes in the sky in order to save the world. When he put in the missing part of the Heavenly Palace, he noticed an immortal vine at the foot of Mountain Kunlun (1,2). On that vine was this purple-gold red gourd, and he preserved it to this day.”
Now, if you are going, wait a second, that whole Lao Zi assuming the name of the goddess Nüwa thing doesn’t jibe with the canon that we’ve heard elsewhere, like in Investiture of the Gods, then well, you’re not alone. But to paraphrase Mystery Science Theater 3000, just repeat to yourself that this is just a monkey novel and you should really just relax.
Anyway, it was Sun Wukong’s turn to explain the origin of his gourd. To see how he will answer, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Luỹ Tre Xanh Ngát Đầu Làng (Guzheng) – Vietnam BGM” by VPRODMUSIC_Asia_BGM
- “Day of Recon” by Max Surla/Media Right Productions (from YouTube audio library)
- “The Quiet Aftermath by Sir Cubworth (from YouTube audio library)
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)