Gods 078: Bad to the Bone
King Zhou takes an interest in human physiology, much to the chagrin of his people.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 78 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, after suffering some heavy casualties at Mianchi (3,2), the Zhou forces laid a trap for Zhang Kui (2), the Shang commander of the city. They lured him away on a merry chase, and then sacked the city, killing his wife in the process.
Seeing that all was lost, Zhang Kui decided to make a run for the Shang capital to regroup there. But as he headed that way, his every move was being by Yang (2) Ren (4), the Zhou officer who had hands growing out of his eye sockets with eyeballs in the center of his palms that could see everything. When he spotted his quarry, Yang Ren shouted, “Zhang Kui, don’t you run! There’s no escape for you today!”
Zhang Kui was scared out of his mind and quickly dove into the earth, using his fast-travel magic to try to get away. But as he fled underground, Yang Ren kept pace from the air atop his Cloud Haze Beast, keeping his supernatural eyes on Zhang Kui all the while. At the same time, Yang Ren’s Daoist comrade Wei (4) Hu (4) was following wherever Yang Ren led, ready to strike with his Demon-Taming Club.
This went on for a while, and Zhang Kui could not shake his pursuers and could not keep fleeing. Soon, the bank of the Yellow River appeared in the distance. Standing there waiting was another Chan Daoist, Yang Jian. Yang Ren saw Yang Jian and shouted, “Brother, here comes Zhang Kui!”
Hearing that, Yang Jian summoned a sacred flame and set fire to the magical charm that had been sent by Juliu (4,2) Sun (1), the master of the now deceased Tuxing Sun. This activated Juliu Sun’s magic of turning the earth into solid steel, preventing anyone from fast-traveling underground.
Zhang Kui was earth-traveling toward the river when suddenly, he ran smack dab into what seemed like a wall of steel. He turned to go back, but found that he was now trapped by this steel wall on all four sides, unable to move an inch. As he was panicking, Yang Ren pointed out his location, and Wei Hu unleashed his club from the air. It found its mark and crushed Zhang Kui into smithereens.
The three Chan Daoists now returned to see Jiang Ziya and reported their victory. Jiang Ziya was delighted. After resting the army for a few days in the city, he resumed his march and headed to the bank of the Yellow River. It was now near the height of winter, and everyone was clad in heavy coats and armor amid the freezing cold. Once the army gathered on the bank, Jiang Ziya sent out orders for his men to requisition boats from nearby civilians, but that they were to compensate the boats’ owners with five coins for each boat. This led to much gratitude among the civilians, who rejoiced at the coming of the Zhou army.
Meanwhile, Jiang Ziya had his men prepare a royal vessel to ferry the Martial King Ji Fa across. Once it was ready, Jiang Ziya and Ji Fa sat in the cabin of this ship, and the men started to row across the river. Halfway across, however, the waves started to roar while the winds howled, shaking the ship from side to side.
“Minister father, why is this ship so rocky?!” an alarmed Ji Fa asked.
“The Yellow River’s currents are strong even in normal situations,” Jiang Ziya replied. “And there are strong winds today.”
“Open the cabin door and let me have a look outside,” Ji Fa said.
So they poked their heads out of the cabin, and Ji Fa turned pale. The waves were like sheer walls of water, raging toward the heavens, tossing the vessel up and down amid its fury. Suddenly, one of these swells split apart, and with a loud sound, a white fish leaped into the ship, giving Ji Fa quite a fright. The fish hopped to and fro on the ship, bounding four or five feet high.
“Is this a good or bad omen?” Ji Fa asked.
Jiang Ziya said, “My lord, congratulations! The fish leaping into your vessel portends that King Zhou is destined to fall and the house of Zhou is destined to rise. This means you will inherit the realm from the Shang.”
Then, Jiang Ziya told his men, “Go tell the chef to cook that fish for our lord.”
But Ji Fa countermanded those orders. Instead, he commanded his men to toss the fish back into the river.
“But the fish has leaped onto your ship; you can’t toss it back,” Jiang Ziya said. “As the saying goes, ‘If you refuse heaven’s gift, you will regret it.’ You should eat it; you must not throw it back.”
And so, Jiang Ziya countermanded his king’s orders and instructed the chef to cook the fish. Soon, a steaming plate was presented to Ji Fa, and once he ate the fish, the winds died down, and the royal vessel made its way across the river without further incident.
On the opposite bank, the 400 nobles who had gathered to join the campaign against King Zhou were eagerly awaiting the guy who was going to lead them. But now, Jiang Ziya decided he should go on ahead to lay some groundwork. Remember that Ji Fa almost didn’t even want to come on this campaign because he was SO virtuous that he could not entertain the thought of attacking his own king. He was supposedly only convinced to go along with it when one of his ministers suggested that he wasn’t going to war against his lord; he was just going to show up on his lord’s doorstep with the combined forces of the land and humbly make some policy proposals.
Well, all the other nobles knew full well why they were there, and it sure wasn’t just to convince the tyrant to implement more sensible economic policies and stop posting crazy selfies of himself partying with his she-demons on social media. So Jiang Ziya was worried that they might be too honest about the goal of this whole convening of the nobles when they met Ji Fa, so he told Ji Fa, “Your highness should remain on the ship. I will go ashore first to get the army in order, so as to demonstrate our prowess to the nobles. Once we have set up camp, I will invite you to join us.”
Ji Fa consented, so Jiang Ziya went on shore and led the main army to Mengjin and set up camp. All the other nobles flocked to his camp, and he welcomed them all. After exchanging greetings, Jiang Ziya told the nobles, “When you all see the Martial King, there’s no need to talk about waging war against the tyrant on behalf of the people. Just say we’re here to observe the governance of the Shang. Once we have defeated King Zhou, then we can worry about next steps.”
Everyone agreed to go along with this charade. Now, Jiang Ziya sent word for Ji Fa to join them. So Ji Fa headed to Mengjin, accompanied by the 200 nobles of the West. They were welcomed in camp by the 400 nobles from the North and South, along with a few hundred lower-ranked nobles. The only contingent who had not yet arrived was the Grand Duke of the East, Jiang Wenhuan (2,2), and his bannermen.
The nobles present now asked Ji Fa to take the seat of leadership, but he refused. After much back and forth, the other nobles kneeled and said, “With your highness gracing us with your presence, we are fortunate to glimpse your visage. We hope you will demonstrate your virtue and rescue the people from their suffering. That would be a boon to all under heaven!”
“I merely inherited my rank from my father,” Ji Fa said humbly. “I worry that my meager virtue would disgrace my ancestors. But having received your invitation, I commanded my Minister Father to come East to meet you all and observe the governance of the Shang. I would never dare to assume any leadership position. I only hope that you will generously instruct me on how to serve the people.”
One of the nobles now piped up and said, “King Zhou is unjust. He killed his wife and tried to kill his sons. He has burned the loyal and executed his ministers. He indulges in women and wine. He does not pay any homage to heaven or to his ancestral temples. He has angered heaven, and heaven has declared that the Shang should fall. We have been waiting for your highness to lead a campaign on the people’s behalf to save the civilians from their suffering. This is in accordance with heaven and men. We cannot sit idly by. I hope your highness understands.”
“King Zhou may have been acting unjustly,” Ji Fa said, “but it’s all due to the influence of wicked officials. Right now, we should merely observe the government, apprehend the sycophants, and convince our lord to change his ways. Then peace will return to the land.”
Another noble now said, “The will of heaven is unpredictable, but it favors the virtuous. Back when the sage king Yao ruled, his son was no good, so he passed the throne instead to Shun (4). And then Shun’s son was no good, so Shun passed the throne to Yu (3). And then …” Blah blah blah, we’ve heard some version or another of this stuff before. The long and short of it was that Ji Fa kept refusing to assume leadership. So in the end, Jiang Ziya said to the nobles, “Today is not the time to discuss business. Let’s wait until we’re on the outskirts of the Shang capital.”
Everyone agreed to put off the matter for now, and Ji Fa threw a feast for them all.
While all this was happening, there was a Shang army nearby, under the commander of Yuan (2) Hong (2), who had recently been put in charge of an army from the Shang capital. Instead of taking that army to go lift the siege on Mianchi (3,2), he had decided to take it to Mengjin to make sure none of the nobles tried to go help the siege. Well, he now got word that the Zhou didn’t need any help, and that they were now camped out at Mengjin with the rest of the nobles.
Upon learning this news, one of Yuan Hong’s military advisers said, “Ji Fa is the leader of the rebellion. Since he set out on this campaign, his army has been unstoppable. Commander, you must not underestimate him.”
“Your advice is well-intentioned, but Jiang Ziya is a mere country bumpkin. What skills does he possess? The Zhou’s success has all been due to oversights on the part of our soldiers at the various passes. Don’t worry. Watch me wipe them out in one battle.”
The next day, Jiang Ziya assembled the nobles in the command tent, and one of them said, “Commander, we 600 nobles have gathered here, but we have not yet dared to attack without your guidance, so we have just been staying on the defense, waiting for the Martial King to join us and decide what to do. Today, why don’t we capture Yuan Hong first? That scoundrel is too full of himself.”
Jiang Ziya agreed and wrote a letter challenging for battle. He sent Yang Jian to go deliver it to the enemy. So Yang Jia rode to the Shang camp, dismounted, and shouted, “I have come to deliver a demand for battle on behalf of Commander Jiang!”
Yuan Hong summoned Yang Jian into the command tent. After reading the letter, Yuan Hong said, “I’m not going to bother with writing a reply. We’ll just agree to meet tomorrow.”
So Yang Jian brought word of this back to Jiang Ziya, and all the nobles prepped for action. The next morning, Jiang Ziya led the Zhou army out, followed by the forces of the 600 nobles. Jiang Ziya’s army was in the center, hoisting red banners. On the left flank was the Grand Duke of the South, E (4) Shun (4). On the right flank was the new Grand Duke of the North, Chong (2) Yingluan (4,2), the son of the recently slain Black Tiger. This impressive combined force marched like an ocean of armor and lined up in front of the Shang camp.
From the opposing side came Yuan Hong and the Shang army. Yuan Hong was clad in silver armor, rode a white horse, and wielded a steel staff, looking quite the warrior. On the Zhou side, Jiang Ziya was clad in his Daoist robes, seated atop his Four-Not-Like, flanked by his gaggle of Daoist warriors, and followed by Ji Fa and the various nobles.
After the two opposing commanders traded names, Jiang Ziya told Yuan Hong, “I am the commander of the army on campaign on heaven’s behalf. All the realm have submitted to us. King Zhou is unjust, and he has lost the hearts of the people. He will be captured any day now. You’re but a cup of water; how can you put out the raging fire? If you surrender now, we can still spare our life. If you refuse, when your army is crushed, then both jade and stone will be incinerated. You will not be able to save yourself.”
Yuan Hong chuckled, “Jiang Ziya, all you know how to do is catch fish in a stream. You’re out of your depths. Your were just lucky that the five passes did not have talented commanders, thus allowing you to get so deep into our territory. How dare you run your mouth here?!”
He then turned and asked which of his officers would go apprehend Jiang Ziya. His comrade Chang (2) Hao (4) immediately darted out with spear raised. From the other side, one of the nobles, Yao (2) Shuliang (4,2), raised his ax and rode out to take him on. Yao Shuliang was a stout warrior, and before long, Chang Hao was fleeing.
Yao Shuliang gave chase, but he didn’t know that his foe was a snake demon. As Yao Shuliang got close, Chang Hao suddenly summoned a whirlwind that whipped up a cloud of black smoke, covering himself and his horse. Amid this smoke, Chang Hao showed his true form — that of a huge serpent. He opened his mouth and spat out a foul gust of toxic breath. Yao Shuliang immediately fell unconscious to the ground, and Chang Hao cut off his head, shouting, “This is the fate that awaits Jiang Ziya!”
Another noble roared in anger and charged out with spear in hand to avenge his fallen comrade. But from the Shang side came Chang Hao’s friend Wu (2) Long (2), hoisting his twin cutlasses. After they traded a few blows, Wu Long turned and rode away. His foe followed, but this Wu Long was a centipede demon, and he now showed his true form and summoned a black cloud of his own, rendering his foe unconscious before cutting him in two.
Watching two nobles lose their lives, the Daoist warrior Yang Jian said to Lotus Boy Nezha, “Those two enemy officers aren’t on the up and up. They look like they possess some demonic elements. How about we two take a shot?”
As they were talking, Wu Long was charging toward their lines, demanding battle. Nezha darted out on his fire wheels, quickly introduced himself, and attacked. After just three bouts, Nezha summoned his Nine Dragons Sacred Fire Dome and unleashed its powers. But before it could trap its target, Wu Long had already turned into a beam of blue light and escaped.
Watching Nezha try to trap his comrade, Chang Hao now charged back out for some action. Yang Jian raised his three-pointed saber to join the fight. Chang Hao was no match for the two of them, so he turned and rode away. Yang Jian pulled out his slingshot and let loose a golden ball, but the ball just vanished into thin air. Nezha then tried to capture Chang Hao with his fire dom, but Chang Hao turned into a beam of red light and got away as well.
Yuan Hong was delighted to see the powers of his two comrades. He now ordered his men to beat the drums while he charged out, demanding to fight Jiang Ziya. Yang Ren, the guy with hands for eyes, charged out on his Cloud Haze Beast to take on Yuan Hong. After a few exchanges, Yang Ren took out his fire fan and waved it in Yuan Hong’s direction, but Yuan Hong managed to flee in time, and the only thing incinerated by the flames was his horse. Jiang Ziya then rang the gong and called his troops back to camp for the day.
Once back at camp, Jiang Ziya lamented the loss of two nobles. Yang Jian came to him and said, “I think those three enemy officers are demons, not men. Nezha’s fire dome, Yang Ren’s fire fan, and my slingshot could not hurt them, and they escaped as beams of light.”
On the other side, the three demons reconvened in camp and discussed the day’s action.
“Nezha’s fire dome and Yang Ren’s fan were really something,” Yuan Hong said.
But Wu Long laughed, “Those things can only defeat others, not us. We were hoping to capture Jiang Ziya today, but we just killed a couple nobles. That’s nothing.”
While Yuan Hong sent a report to the capital to inform King Zhou of his victory, some of his human officers were talking amongst themselves, not about the enemy, but about Yuan Hong and his demon friends.
One of those officers, Lu (3) Renjie (2,2), said to the others, “As the saying goes, ‘When the state is thriving, it will show signs of blessings. When it’s about to fall, it will show signs of demons.’ We could see today that those three are all demons, not men. Right now, all the nobles of the land have gathered their forces here. How can this gang of demons fend them off?”
One of his friends, the military adviser Yin (1) Chengxiu (2,4), said, “Don’t confront them yet. Let’s see what they’d do first.”
“My family has received the Shang’s generosity for three generations, so how can I let my country down?” Lu Renjie said. “I would die to repay the state.”
Meanwhile, Yuan Hong’s message arrived in the capital and made its way to court. The minister who had originally recruited the three demons was delighted by their success and informed King Zhou of their opening victory. King Zhou was equally happy and commanded that rewards be sent to the front lines for officers and soldiers alike.
When the queen Daji heard the news, she came to see King Zhou and said, “I have come to congratulate your highness on discovering another official who can protect the state! Yuan Hong is truly a talented commander and can shoulder heavy responsibilities. With him in command, the rebels will be put down soon. I am ecstatic and want to throw a banquet to celebrate with your highness.”
“Your words match my thoughts exactly!” King Zhou told her. And so they went to the Deer Terrace, where Daji and her two fellow she-demons celebrated with the king. It was the depth of winter, and as they partied, a heavy snow began to fall, and King Zhou ordered his attendants to bring more gold cups with warm wine while he and his harem enjoyed the view.
As the snow fell, King Zhou ordered his men to roll up the curtains so that he and his queen and concubines could gaze out on a capital city that had been transformed into a world of white. As they took in this sight, King Zhou said to Daji, “You have studied music since you were a child, so why don’t you sing a song about the snow while I drink three cups?”
Daji promptly obliged him, singing a bewitching song while King Zhou amused himself by chugging three large goblets of wine. Soon thereafter, the snow stopped, the clouds parted, and the sun came back out. King Zhou and his women now gazed out from the railing, and they saw a small stream outside the west gate of the city. Now, this wasn’t a real stream. It was just a ditch that was left after King Zhou had removed a ton of earth to build his pleasure terrace. The snow had filled the ditch, turning it into a fake stream.
At that moment, an old man was crossing the stream barefoot, wading across quickly as though he was not afraid of the freezing water. A young man, meanwhile, was also crossing the stream barefoot, but he was hesitating with every step as though he was weary of the cold.
Watching them from atop the terrace, King Zhou remarked to Daji, “So strange. Look at that old man. He’s not afraid of the cold. Instead, it’s the young man who’s afraid of the cold. Isn’t that backwards?”
“Your highness, you don’t understand,” Daji said. “The old man was conceived when his father and mother were young, their love-making passionate, and his father’s seed highly fertile. So he was born strong with good blood circulation and rich bone marrow. So even now, he isn’t afraid of the cold and can run quickly through the snow. But the young man must have been conceived when his parents were old and his father’s seed was thin and weak. That’s why he is weak and has poor bone marrow. Hence he walks so slowly through the cold.”
But King Zhou laughed and said, “Everyone is fertilized by their father’s seed and nourished by their mother’s blood. So they’re all strong in their youth and weak in their old age. How can it be that the old man is stronger and healthier than the young man? You’re joking with me.”
“Well, why don’t you have them brought here and find out,” Daji said.
So King Zhou immediately ordered his men to go out and caught up to old and young men.
“Why are you apprehending us?” they protested.
“The king wants to see you,” the attendant said.
“We’re law-abiding citizens and don’t owe any money or grain, so why are you accosting us?” they continued to protest.
“It might actually work out well for you that the king wants to see you,” the attendant told them. “Who knows?”
Well, I think we all know that things generally don’t turn out well where King Zhou is involved. In any case, the two civilians were brought to the terrace, and King Zhou promptly said, “Take an ax and cut off their legs so we can examine their bone marrow.”
See, it never works out well. Seconds later, the two poor men’s leg bones were presented to the king, and sure enough, the old man’s bone marrow was health, while the young man’s was poor. Of course, that’s little comfort to either of them as they both lay dying.
Satisfied with this little impromptu science experiment, King Zhou ordered his men to dispose of the two dead bodies. He then put his hand on Daji’s back and said, “My wife, you’re truly divine! You know everything!”
“I may be a woman, but I’ve learned enough about the philosophy of Yin and Yang that I can see things with great accuracy. Judging bone marrow isn’t so hard. I can also tell you the sex of fetuses, the length of pregnancy, and the position of the infant within a mother’s womb.”
Oh god no. Next thing you know, King Zhou was telling his men, “Go find some pregnant women and bring them here.”
So his attendant went around the city and apprehended three pregnant women, taking them toward the palace. As they were pulled away from their husbands and children, the women wailed, “We have not broken any laws, nor do we owe anything. Why are you arresting us pregnant women?!”
As the women were hustled into the palace, they happened by the Documents Office, where three of the king’s kinsmen were conferring with other officials about the war. They heard the commotion outside and rushed out to take a look. They saw the weeping women being dragged along by the royal attendant, so they asked what was up.
“We are just women,” the poor civilians said. “We didn’t break any laws, so why are we being arrested? Sirs, you’re the king’s officials, you must serve the country and the people. Save our insignificant lives, please!”
Ji (1) Zi (3), a brother of the king, now asked the attendant for the backstory, and the attendant told him, “Last night his highness, on the queen’s suggestion, had two civilians’ legs amputated so he could inspect their bone marrow. Turns out it was just as the queen had predicted. His highness was delighted. Then she told him that she could also predict things about fetuses, so his highness ordered me to bring these pregnant women to him to test out her predictions.”
Ji Zi was flabbergasted and cursed, “That muddle-headed tyrant! The enemy is on our doorstep, and our enterprise will soon be vanquished. Yet he still listens to that she-demon and is committing these unjustified sins! You all stop! Let me go talk to him first!”
Fuming, Ji Zi and company stomped to the Deer Terrace. The king granted their request for an audience, so Ji Zi went up, fell to the ground, and wept aloud, saying, “The Shang Dynasty has survived for dozens of generations, but it’s about to fall. And yet, instead of cleaning up your act, you’re committing such crimes. How can you face your father’s spirit?!”
King Zhou became irate. “Ji Fa is rebelling, but my commander Yuan Hong is well up to the task. He has been slaying the enemy and will soon return in victory. I was just watching the snow and saw how an old man and a young man were walking differently in it. Fortunately, my queen explained it to me, and I wanted to confirm her prediction. Where’s the harm in that? And now, I’m going to cut open these pregnant women and examine their fetuses. What’s the big deal, that you would dare to insult your lord to his face and invoke my late father?!”
Really? What’s the big deal? At this point, you have to think King Zhou has just gone off the deep end. Anyway, to see what price his brother will pay for trying to talk some sense into him, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening.
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “The Quiet Aftermath by Sir Cubworth (from YouTube audio library)
- “Slow Times Over Here” by Midnight North (from YouTube audio library)