Gods 073: Angry and Assembled
Members of the Chan Sect upgrade their transportation options at the expense of their Jie Sect rivals.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 73 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, the Chan and Jie sects had assembled for a massive showdown in front of Tong (2) Pass. The leader of the Jie Sect, Grandmaster of Heaven, had devised yet another formation, this time the Ten Thousand Immortals Formation, to challenge his foes. Before they got around to attacking the formation, however, the Chan sect first sent Pure Essence, a member of its class of 12, to go duel against one of the Jie Sect’s disciples, Fairy Black Cloud.
After they traded a few blows, Black Cloud used a magic hammer to knock down Pure Essence. As Black Cloud prepared to deliver the killing blow, another member of the Chan sect’s class of 12, Grand Completion, shouted, “Don’t hurt my Daoist brother! Here I come!”
As he spoke, Grand Completion leaped out and occupied Black Cloud while Pure Essence retreated. After a few exchanges, however, Black Cloud again resorted to his magic hammer, and it knocked Grand Completion to the ground as well. Grand Completion scrambled to his feet and fled toward the Northwest.
Grandmaster of Heaven told Black Cloud to give chase and capture Grand Completion, so Black Cloud kept up a hot pursuit. Grand Completion was growing desperate as the chase went on, but then he went around a hill and saw a familiar face — the Buddha Candi (Jandi).
Candi let Grand Completion go past and then stepped in front of his pursuer. With a big smile on his face, Candi said to Black Cloud, “My Daoist friend, how are you?”
Recognizing Candi, Black Cloud barked, “You injured my master at the Immortal Slaughter Formation, and now you’re blocking my way. You’re too despicable!”
As he cursed, Black Cloud brought his sword down toward Candi’s head. But Candi merely opened his mouth and spat out a green lotus flower that parried the blow.
“My Daoist friend, you and I share a destiny,” Candi said. “I have come to recruit you to the Westland so that we may enjoy eternal bliss together. Doesn’t that sound great?”
“You have gone too far!” Black Cloud cursed as he attacked again. This time, Candi pointed with a finger, and a white lotus flower appeared and parried the blow.
“My friend, can’t you see the white lotus flower in my palm holding back your sword?” Candi said. “Don’t you realize the most happy land is the Western Region? Lotus flowers and the scent of pineapples fill the garden there.”
“Bullcrap! Stop insulting me!” Black Cloud shouted as he attacked again. Candi pointed again, and a golden lotus now appeared and blocked the sword.
“Black Cloud my friend,” Candi continued, “I am merciful and do not wish to make you show your true form. If I did, it would destroy all your cultivation. I just want you to spread the religion of the West, so I have come to recruit you in kindness. Change your way now.”
Black Cloud was not in a listening mood and he attacked again. Candi now flicked his dust whisk, and Black Cloud suddenly found himself holding only the hilt of his sword, with the blade nowhere to be found. Infuriated, Black Cloud now unleashed his magic hammer. Candi leaped back, and Black Cloud pressed forward.
“Disciple, where are you?” Candi said.
At that, a young acolyte appeared, holding a bamboo pole. This was Candi’s attendant, the Water and Fire Lad. Candi told him, “Use the tranquility bamboo to fish for the golden turtle.”
The acolyte now cast the bamboo down from the sky. It emitted a bright glow that enveloped Black Cloud, giving him no chance to escape.
“Black Cloud, why have you not reverted to your true form yet?” Candi shouted.
At that, Black Cloud twisted his head and morphed into a golden turtle. This was his true form. The turtle took the bait from the bamboo pole. The acolyte stepped forth, pressed down on the turtle’s head, and hopped on its shell, steering it toward the West.”
Meanwhile, Candi went to the Ten Thousand Immortals Formation. The mere sight of him made Grandmaster of Heaven turn red and glower as he shouted, “Candi, you have come to attack my formation again? I will have it out with you!”
Candi, though, simply replied, “Fairy Black Cloud shared a destiny with me. I have tamed him with my tranquility bamboo and brought him to the Eight Virtue Pond in the West, where he will enjoy happiness free from your conflicts of the mortal realm.”
Grandmaster of Heaven was irate when he heard that. He was just about to fight Candi, but from inside his formation, a man stepped out while singing and said, “Who will dare to come into my formation and fight me?”
This was the Jie sect disciple Fairy Dragon. Candi told Wenshu, a member of the Chan Sect’s class of 12, “May I trouble you to go meet this guest who shares a destiny with us?”
Before Wenshu went out, Candi pointed at his head, and three beams of light covered him with an auspicious aura. The leader of the Chan sect, Heavenly Primogenitor, then gave him a magic pennant named after Pangu (2,3), the mythical being who separated heaven from earth to create the world.
Wielding the pennant, Wenshu went out while singing a verse. Fairy Dragon promptly attacked, and they traded blows with their swords for a few exchanges before Fairy Dragon retreated into his formation. Wenshu followed on foot. Once Fairy Dragon got back inside his formation, he started working his magic, and the formation seemingly turned into one of steel walls and countless weapons. But Wenshu simply waved his magic pennant, and the formation came to a standstill.
Wenshu now transformed into a strange figure scented with fragrant breezes and covered with pearls, jade, and lotus flowers. He then unleashed his Demon Bounding Rope, which promptly tied up Fairy Dragon. Wenshu ordered a divine bodyguard to carry his prisoner back to the pavilion, while he returned to his normal form and casually strolled out of the formation.
Once back at the pavilion, Wenshu reported to Heavenly Primogenitor that he had broken his foe’s formation. Heavenly Primogenitor then told his senior disciple, Immortal of the South Pole, “Go make Fairy Dragon show his true form.”
South Pole went outside and saw Fairy Dragon all tied up. He muttered an incantation and said, “Show your true self now!” Fairy Dragon’s head bobbed a couple times, and then he rolled on the ground and reverted to his true form — a blue-maned lion. South Pole reported back to his master, who said, “Let Wenshu have the lion as his ride. Hang a sign from the lion’s neck and write Fairy Dragon’s name on it.”
Now, this was just flat out rubbing it in, but I guess we’re way past the point of pretend niceties between the two sects. So while Wenshu enjoyed his new ride, the next day, Heavenly Primogenitor and Laozi personally went out to the front lines and asked to speak with Grandmaster of Heaven.
When Grandmaster of Heaven came out, Laozi summoned Wenshu over on his new ride. Laozi then pointed at the lion and said to Grandmaster of Heaven, “Your sect is filled with creatures like this, and yet you boast about being skilled in the Dao? What a farce!”
Grandmaster of Heaven turned bright red and fumed, “Do you dare to take on my Double Polarity Formation?!”
Before Laozi answered, from inside said formation, the Jie disciple Fairy Spiritual Teeth stomped out and issued his own challenge. Heavenly Primogenitor now told one of his own disciples, Universal Virtue, to go meet the challenge. So the two traded some trash talk and then a few blows with their swords before Spiritual Teeth went into his formation.
When Universal Virtue followed, Spiritual Teeth worked his magic and summoned some thunder. But Universal Virtue responded by transforming himself into a vicious looking creature with three heads, six arms, a purple face, and a wide mouth full of tusks. He rode on lotus flowers, and his body was covered with pearls and necklaces.
In this form, Universal Virtue easily overwhelmed his foe, tied him up with his Long Rainbow Cord, and had his divine bodyguard take Spiritual Teeth back to the Chan sect’s pavilion. Once back there, Laozi told Immortal of the South Pole to do his thing. This time, South Pole conked Spiritual Teeth a few times with a scepter, and Spiritual Teeth rolled on the ground and reverted to his true form — a white elephant.
Laozi then gave the elephant to Universal Virtue as his mount, and of course they hung a sign on the elephant’s neck as well, with the name Spiritual Teeth written on it. They then returned to the front lines. Grandmaster of Heaven was furious when he saw two of his disciples now serving as his enemies’ rides. But before he could go on the offensive himself, his disciple Fairy Golden Light emerged from the Four Bearings Formation and challenged for battle.
Seeing how ferocious this latest comer looked, Heavenly Primogenitor summoned his disciple Merciful Navigation, gave him a magic scepter and a few words of instruction, and sent him out to answer the challenge.
After the customary precursory swordplay, the two combatants took their fight inside the Four Bearings Formation. Golden Light now summoned his magic seal, and it unleashed countless other magical macguffins to attack Merciful Navigation.
But Merciful Navigation quickly patted himself on the head, and a cloud materialized, shielding him from harm. Then, with the roll of thunder, he transformed into a three-headed being, wielding a staff and a scepter while standing on a golden turtle.
This sight greatly intimidated Golden Light. He sighed to himself, “The Chan Sect really is something!”
He now tried to flee, but Merciful Navigation knocked him down with the magic scepter and told his divine bodyguard to take Golden Light back to the Pavilion. And this particular bodyguard must have decided to rub it in even more, because he just chucked Golden Light to the ground from the air. Immortal of the South Pole then patted Golden Light on the head a few times and said, “Your beast. Show your true form now!”
Golden Light rolled on the ground and morphed into a jaguar with golden fur. And just like before, he was given to his captor, Merciful Navigation, with the prerequisite name tag around its neck. So now, three of the Chan Sect’s disciples had fancy new rides, and Grandmaster of Heaven just about had a coronary as he raged over this sight.
Just as he was about to attack, one of his disciples shouted, “Master, don’t get angry. Watch me!”
This was Mother Spiritual Tortoise, dressed in a red Daoist robe and wielding a sword. She wanted to attack Grand Completion, the Chan disciple with whom she had prior beef. But another member of the class of 12, Juliu (4,2) Sun (1), blocked her way. Meanwhile, Heavenly Primogenitor chuckled and said to Laozi and Candi, “Look at that thing. How can a creature like that attain success in following the Dao? What a joke?”
While the sect elders were amusing themselves with their speciesist snark, Juliu Sun and Spiritual Tortoise were going at it with their swords. After a few exchanges, Spiritual Tortoise unleashed her Sun and Moon Pearl. Juliu Sun didn’t know what powers it had, so he didn’t dare to take it on, and instead fled toward the West.
“Go bring me Juliu Sun!” Grandmaster of Heaven shouted. So Spiritual Tortoise gave chase. Suddenly, a man approached from the West. He had his hair tied up in two coils. He let Juliu Sun pass and then blocked Spiritual Tortoise, shouting, “Don’t chase my Daoist friend. Since you have attained human form, you should know your place. Why are you acting up and causing trouble? If you don’t listen to me, you’ll regret it! Turn back now! I am the Buddha Amitabha. I have come to meet those who share a destiny with us.”
Spiritual Tortoise, however, shot back, “Since you’re from the West, you should have stayed there and minded your own nest. Why are you spreading nonsense here?!”
As she spoke, she unleashed her pearl again. But Amitabha shot out a beam of white light from his finger. At the end of the light, a blue lotus bloomed and blocked the pearl.
“Everyone knows that the blue lotus can block your pearl,” Amitabha said.
But Spiritual Tortoise still didn’t know any better, and she tried to hit him again with the pearl.
“Alas, at this point, I guess I have to sully myself with mortal affairs,” Amitabha said. “It’s not that I’m unmerciful. But this has been preordained by fate, and I can’t do anything about it. Let me try my own treasure and see how things go.”
And so, he unleashed his own magic pearl. Spiritual Tortoise couldn’t dodge in time and was struck on her back. She fell to the ground and reverted to her true form, that of a giant tortoise. The pearl was so heavy that it forced her head and legs out from inside her shell.
Juliu Sun now raised his sword to strike, but Amitabha stopped him.
“My friend, you cannot kill her! If you harbor such intentions, you will not be able to complete your trials.”
Amitabha then summoned his attendant, White Lotus Acolyte, and told him, “I’m going with my Daoist friend to meet others who share a destiny with us. You can take this creature back home first.”
So Amitabha and Juliu Sun set off for the front lines. Meanwhile, White Lotus Acolyte took out a small magic pouch and was just about to use it to take Spiritual Tortoise to the West when suddenly, a swarm of tiny insects escaped from inside the pouch, darkening the sky. These were ugly, ravenous, blood-sucking mosquitos. They smelled blood and swarmed all over Spiritual Tortoise. Before she or White Lotus Acolyte could chase them away, it was too late. Within moments, they had eaten Spiritual Tortoise from inside out, and the only thing left was an empty shell. Talk about a bad way to go.
The mosquitos didn’t stop there though. They now swarmed to the West and devoured the lotus flowers in three of the 12 sacred ponds, and it wasn’t until Amitabha got back that the exterminator came by and stopped these ravenous pests. That has no bearing on our story though; it’s just a little side note.
While this gruesome scene was playing out, Amitabha and Juliu Sun were blissfully unaware as they traveled to the Ten Thousand Immortals formation. There, they were greeted by Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor. But as soon as Grandmaster of Heaven saw Amitabha from across the way, he shouted, “Amitabha, you broke my Immortal Slaughter Formation before, and now you’re here again! Let’s see which one of us is better!”
And so he spurred on his rhino and raised his sword to attack. Amitabha didn’t even bother using his hands. Instead, three Buddhist relics emerged from his head and swirled all around, covering the ground with a golden light and keeping Grandmaster of Heaven from getting close.
Grandmaster of Heaven was even more enraged now, so he attacked with a magical instrument called a fishing drum. This is basically an elongated cylinder with a drum face at the bottom that you tap on. But Amitabha merely pointed at it with a finger, and a lotus flower appeared and blocked the drum.
Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor now intervened and told Amitabha, “Brother, no need to deal with him today.”
As their disciples rang the gong to signal an end to the battle, the two Chan sect leaders and the two Buddhas turned back for the day. Grandmaster of Heaven couldn’t stop them and fumed, “Fine, I’ll let you go back for now and fight it out tomorrow!”
“You go on back; no need to be so impatient,” Laozi retorted as they all left the battlefield.
Once they returned to the Chan sect pavilion, Heavenly Primogenitor told the two Buddhas, “Brothers, with you here to help support the House of Zhou (1), we can break the formation tomorrow and wipe out the Jie sect. It’s just a pity that those who come to the Dao in the future will not have that school of practice available to them.”
Amitabha, however, said, “I only came to meet those who share a destiny with us. But in my view, there are more wicked people than good in the Ten Thousand Immortals Formation. Alas, I have to follow where fate leads and cannot force things.”
Laozi chimed in, “Our disciples have completed their trials. Let’s break that formation tomorrow so they can recover their vitality and return to their study.”
So Heavenly Primogenitor summoned Jiang Ziya and asked him, “Where are the four magic swords that we took from the Jie Sect when we broke the Immortal Slaughter Formation?”
Jiang Ziya had the swords with him, and he brought them out. Heavenly Primogenitor summoned four members of the class of 12: Grand Completion, Pure Essence, Jade Tripod, and Divine Virtue. He told them, “Tomorrow, keep watch while we go into the formation. When you see a pagoda appear in front of the terrace inside the formation, that’s your cue to charge in and unleash these swords. They belong to the Jie sect, so we’ll use them to finish off the Jie sect, so that it won’t be us committing wicked deeds.”
Umm, technicalities, anyone? Anyway, Heavenly Primogenitor then told Jiang Ziya, “Tomorrow when we attack the formation, only those who are Chan Sect disciples can enter the formation so that they may complete their trial.”
Jiang Ziya obeyed and promptly sent word out to all the Chan sect disciples at the pavilion, and they were all elated and ready to go.
Meanwhile, the Martial King and all the mortal officers, aka the non-cool kids, had been waiting back at Tong (2) Pass because none of them were allowed to be at the pavilion. All the officers were itching to go watch some of the action. And alas, two of them got it into their heads to do just that.
The general Hong (2) Jin (3), the guy with the magic door trick, said to his wife, Princess Long (2) Ji (2), “I was a member of the Jie sect, and you were a fairy. We have every right to be at the battle, so why shouldn’t we go?”
So they agreed, and they went to see the Martial King Ji Fa and said, “We have come to take our leave so that we may go help attack the Ten Thousand Immortals Formation and help Commander Jiang.”
Ji Fa was delighted by their eagerness and bestowed wine on them. The couple then set out for the front.
The next morning, Heavenly Primogenitor left the pavilion and ordered his disciples to prepare for battle. Meanwhile, on the other side, Grandmaster of Heaven summoned one of his trusted disciples, Fairy Long Ears, and told him, “When I go up against the Chan sect’s leaders and the two Buddhas, I will signal for you to wave the Six Soul Pennant. When that time comes, do so. Don’t forget!”
So in case you forgot, the Six Soul Pennant was a magical weapon that Grandmaster of Heaven had been honing since his previous defeat a few episodes back. It’s a flag with six tails, and on each tail, he had written one of six names: Laozi, Heavenly Primogenitor, Amitabha, Candi, Jiang Ziya, and Ji Fa. It was basically a curse object against those six, and Grandmaster of Heaven had been waiting for a chance to deploy it, and so he entrusted it to Long Ears for the upcoming fight.
However, even though Long Ears told his master, “I’ve got it,” he was thinking to himself, “From what I’ve seen, all 12 generations of Chan sect disciples are men of virtue. And yesterday, I saw Amitabha’s Buddhist relics. Truly, there’s no end to the powers of the Dao.”
Grandmaster of Heaven now went out to the front lines to meet his four nemeses. He shouted, “If we don’t settle the score today, I will not stop!”
But before he finished shouting, Hong Jin and Princess Long Ji arrived on the scene, and they didn’t even bother to check in with Jiang Ziya for permission before they galloped headlong into the formation. Now, the Jie sect disciples inside the formation weren’t expecting to get bum-rushed, so they were caught off guard, and Princess Longji unleashed her magic swords and injured quite a few of them.
But just as husband and wife were charging to and fro, they suddenly saw a dark cloud descending and felt a chilly wind whip up. This was the doing of Mother Golden Spirit. She was overseeing the formation from her Seven Fragrance Carriage when she got word about the attack. She looked down and saw Princess Long Ji charging near, so she hurriedly raised her sword to defend herself. After a few bouts, Golden Spirit unleashed her Four Bearings Pagoda. Princess Long Ji didn’t know its powers and couldn’t duck in time. The pagoda struck her on the head, knocking her off her horse, and she was immediately swarmed and cut down by the other Jie sect disciples.
Watching his wife meet her end, Hong Jin let out a cry and charged at Golden Spirit, but Golden Spirit unleashed a magic scepter that struck Hong Jin in the head as well, killing him instantly.
Outside the formation, Heavenly Primogenitor had been preparing to speak with Grandmaster of Heaven before Hong Jin and Princess Long Ji charged in. When he saw their fates, he sighed and lamented to the two Buddhas, “One of those who just perished was the daughter of the Golden Mother. Alas, heaven has ordained it so, and no man can stop it.”
Just then, they saw a green flag waving from inside the formation, and as the flag came nearer, it was followed by four Daoists dressed in green. And then a red flag appeared, accompanied by four Daoists dressed in red. That was followed by a white flag, with four Jie sect disciples dressed in white, all looking rather demonic and vicious.
Laozi leaned over and said to Heavenly Primogenitor with contempt, “All these beasts, all coming to throw their lives away for nothing. Look at these creatures.”
Well, there goes the Chan Sect elders with their rampant speciesism again. But the Jie Sect wasn’t done giving them more fodder. Grandmaster of Heaven now pointed his sword toward the east, west, south, and north while gongs rang, and four more Daoists appeared.
This time, it was Heavenly Primogenitor’s turn to snark. “No one in the Jie Sect has a deep understanding of the doctrines,” he said. “They’re all cursed to suffer this calamity. So sad.”
Then, a black canopy emerged from the formation, accompanied by four more Daoists. And that prompted the two leaders of the Chan sect to turn to their Buddha friends and said, “Look at these people. They are immortals in name only. They don’t have a chance of actually cultivating their Dao.”
And while they were being pompous and judgy, one last quartet emerged under another white banner, again looking vicious and fearsome, holding ridged clubs in their hands.
So Grandmaster of Heaven has set up seven quartets, totaling 28 Daoists in all. They were arranged according to 28 mansions of ancient Chinese astronomy, which are kind of like constellations. Basically, ancient Chinese astronomers divided the orbital plane of the movement of the sun as observed from earth over the course of a year, divided it into four regions, and further divided each region into seven subsections. That created these 28 mansions, which are used to then track the moon’s progress. Or something like that, given my general lack of knowledge in astronomy, much less ancient Chinese astronomy.
They lined up in precise order against a backdrop of red smoke, purple lightning, ill-looking clouds, and seemingly countless lackeys. Obviously the Jie Sect’s CG department was pulling out all the stops.
As Grandmaster of Heaven approached the front lines with this impressive army, Laozi said to him, “Today, we’re going to see who’s better, and in the process, your 10,000 immortals will meet with disaster. This is your doing.”
“Watch and see what I’ve got for you today!” Grandmaster of Heaven fumed as he galloped forth on his rhino and prepared to strike.
“What you’ve got is probably just so so; even you will not escape calamity,” Laozi chuckled as he spurred on his water buffalo and countered with his shoulder pole.
Meanwhile, Heavenly Primogenitor called out to his disciples, “Today, your trials are at an end. Charge into the formation and take on their 10,000 immortals. Don’t miss your opportunity!”
All the Chan sect disciples rejoiced and let out a battle cry as they charged into the formation. Wenshu, Universal Virtue, and Merciful Navigation galloped forth atop their recently acquired rides, morphed into their powered-up forms, and charged in, followed by fellow members of the class of 12. Behind them came Jiang Ziya, Nezha, and the horde of junior disciples, all itching for some action. And in the sky, the freelancer Lü (4) Ya (1) soared through the air and into the fray.
On the other side, Grandmaster of Heaven directed his disciples forward, and everyone clashed head on, with magic swords, seals, rings, fans, pagodas and other macguffins of all stripes flying left and right. Basically, it’s the final battle in Avengers: End Game, but everyone has an Infinity Gauntlet of some kind.
To see how this epic showdown will pan out, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “The Quiet Aftermath by Sir Cubworth (from YouTube audio library)
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)
- “Slow Times Over Here” by Midnight North (from YouTube audio library)