Gods 068: Slap in the Face
The Chan and Jie Sects stop pretending they’re frenemies and start acting like straight-up enemies.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 68 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, the Zhou army had just finished sacking Sishui Pass, and lotus boy Nezha had added a few extra arms and heads to his repertoire. But then Jiang Ziya became worried about the next obstacle in his way, Border Placard Pass. His master, Heavenly Primogenitor, had warned him that there would be resistance there, though he wasn’t very specific.
Just as Jiang Ziya was debating his next move, Yellow Dragon Immortal, a member of the Chan sect’s class of 12, arrived. Jiang Ziya welcomed him in, and Yellow Dragon told him, “The Immortal Slaughter Formation awaits you up ahead. You must not charge in head first. You should set up a reed pavilion to welcome Daoists from all over who will be coming to join you and await our master. Only then can you advance.”
So Jiang Ziya sent the generals Nangong Kuo and Wu (3) Ji (2) to oversee construction of the pavilion. Within a day, the work was done. Yellow Dragon then said, “Only members of the Chan sect may go there. Mortal officers cannot.”
So Jiang Ziya sent out a command, ordering the mortal officers to stay at Sishui Pass with the Martial King, while he, Yellow Dragon, and the other Chan sect disciples set off for the pavilion. He then went to inform the Martial King of this plan and received his blessings. He and his Chan sect buddies then traveled about 15 miles up the road and arrived at the pavilion, which was decorated with hanging wreaths and meditation mats.
Yellow Dragon and Jiang Ziya sat down, and momentarily, people started streaming in. It was all the Chan sect names we’ve met before. And the freelancer Lu Ya also showed up on the third day. Once they all sat down, Lu Ya said to everyone, “We’re gathered here for the Immortal Slaughter Formation. We’ll all gather once more for the Ten Thousand Immortal Formation, and then our destiny will be fulfilled, and we can all return to our mountains and cultivate our Dao to achieve immortality.”
Everyone agreed with that assessment and they then meditated in silence. Soon, they heard the sound of rattling hoops in the air. They knew that this was Master Burning Lamp, so they got up and welcomed him in.
“The Immortal Slaughter Formation is just up ahead,” Burning Lamp said as he entered. “Have you all seen it? It’s the spot that’s enveloped in red smoke.”
So, just to refresh your memory, this Immortal Slaughter Formation was set up by Master Multi-Precious, one of the senior disciples of the Jie Sect. He had been sent to do this after he and his fellow disciples convinced their sect leader, Grandmaster of Heaven, that the Chan sect had been talking smack about them. Grandmaster of Heaven even gave him four magical swords to help with the formation.
By now, Multi-Precious knew that the Chan sect had gathered just down the road, so he released a clasp of thunder from his hands and summoned a dome of red smoke, from which emerged the formation. The Chan Daoists at the pavilion looked on and saw a treacherous formation appear in front of them. It was bristling with a deadly aura. Ill looking clouds and strange fogs hovered in the formation, while a cold wind swept across it. Inside, the formation seemed to change, appear, and disappear at random.
Yellow Dragon now said to his fellow Chan Daoists, “We have all broken the prohibition on killing, and we were destined to tangle with the mortal realm. It was preordained that we should run into this challenge.”
Eight or nine members of the class of 12 now wanted to go take a look at the formation. Burning Lamp couldn’t stop them, so they all left the pavilion and approached the formation. They saw four gates, each adorned with a magic sword. Beyond the gates, they saw only auras of death and ill tidings. As they looked on, they suddenly heard a song emanating from the formation. It said:
You can’t flee from the slaughter,
As emotions burn in your heart.
Whether you die or live is up to me,
Like the Jade Emptiness Palace,
You know as the heart is pierced
Self-conceit brings only your end.
This was being sung by Multi-Precious. As they listened, Burning Lamp said to his fellow Chan Daoists, “My friends, listen to those words. We’re dealing with a vicious villain here. Let’s go back to the pavilion and wait for our master to arrive before we proceed.”
But before they could turn back, Multi-Precious had leaped out of the formation and shouted, “Grand Completion, don’t you go anywhere! Here I come!”
So remember, Grand Completion had previously gone to the Jie sect’s headquarters to return one of their disciples’ macguffin after he had killed her. This was not received kindly by the Jie sect’s disciples, and they had threatened to do him harm several times before their master told them to cut it out.
Upon being called out by name, Grand Completion was irate. He shot back, “Multi-Precious, we’re not on your turf anymore. You can’t bully around just because you outnumber me. You and your fellow disciples have completely ignored your master’s injunctions, and now you’re here setting up this Immortal Slaughter Pass. We may have killed, but you all were not innocent either. You stirred up this trouble. When your time is up, there’s no delaying the inevitable!”
And with that, they started trading blows with their swords. After a few exchanges, Grand Completion unleashed his Sky Churning Seal. It struck Multi-Precious in the back and sent him to the ground before fleeing back inside the pass.
“Let him go,” Burning Lamp said. “We’ll go back to our pavilion to discuss next steps.”
After the Chan Daoists returned to their pavilion and sat down, they soon heard heavenly music in the sky, accompanied by an exotic fragrance. Their master, Heavenly Primogenitor, had arrived. Burning Lamp led the other disciples as they welcomed him. Once he sat down, they all bowed to pay their respects and then stood to two sides. After a while, colorful clouds emanated from Heavenly Primogenitor’s head and glowed brightly in the sky.
From a distance, Multi-Precious saw the clouds and knew that the Chan sect’s master had arrived. He thought to himself, “I must wait for my master to come; otherwise I won’t be a match for them.”
He didn’t have to wait long. The next day, Grandmaster of Heaven arrived and sat down, accompanied by four generations of Jie sect disciples, including Multi-Precious, Mother Golden Spirit, Mother Invincible, Mother Spiritual Tortoise, Fairy Golden Light, Fairy Black Cloud Fairy Adjoining Reed, Fairy Spiritual Teeth, Fairy Dragon Head, Fairy Gold Head Ring , and Fairy Light with Long Ears.
The next day at dawn, at the Chan sect’s pavilion, Burning Lamp went to see Heavenly Primogenitor and asked if it was time to take a crack at the Immortal Slaughter Formation. Heavenly Primogenitor said yes, since this was no place for him to hang out for too long. So all the Chan Daoists lined up and set out toward the formation. Inside the formation, a golden bell rang, and a pair of banners parted. Out came Grandmaster of Heaven, seated atop a rhino and flanked by his disciples.
Once both sides lined up, Grandmaster of Heaven bowed slightly to Heavenly Primogenitor and said, “Greetings, Daoist brother.”
“Brother, why have you designed this vicious formation?” Heavenly Primogenitor said. “Just listen to its name! “Immortal Slaughter”? Is that befitting our Daoist ways? And look at the names of your magic swords: Slaughtering, Slaying, Entrapping, Exterminating. These are not things that we Daoists should use. Why are you acting like this?”
“Brother, don’t ask me! Ask Grand Completion,” Grandmaster of Heaven retorted.
So Heavenly Primogenitor turned to Grand Completion and asked what’s the deal. Grand Completion recounted his misadventures at the Green Touring Palace. But then Grandmaster of Heaven cut in and said, “Grand Completion, you dared to accuse my sect of not knowing right from wrong and said that I had no standards for whom I’d take on as disciples and that I’d even train animals, making no distinction between beasts and men. Well, your master and I were trained by the same master. If I’m an animal, then what’s your master?”
Heavenly Primogenitor cut him off and said, “Brother, don’t blame Grand Completion. To be honest, your sect is kind of a mess. Your disciples only rely on their powers and act without regard to heaven’s will. They may talk like men but they act like beasts. And you are pretty unselective and you take them all in as disciples, without regard for their behavior or their nature. That’s why we have all this trouble, causing death and destruction. How can you bear to watch this?”
Grandmaster of Heaven was not amused by this lecture. He shot back, “Brother, listening to you, it sounds like your people are always justified, even when they curse my sect! If you want to turn your back on your fellow Daoist, then fine! I have set up this formation. Come try to break it, and we’ll know who’s better.”
“If you want me to break the formation, that’s easy enough,” Heavenly Primogenitor said. “Let me give it a try.”
So Grandmaster of Heaven now rode back into his formation, followed by his disciples, and waited for Heavenly Primogenitor to come a knockin’.
Heavenly Primogenitor now sat on his flying chair and flew over to the east gate. He patted his seat and ordered four divine bodyguards to lift up his chair, and from its four legs sprouted four golden lotus flowers that then sprouted more flowers, until there were seemingly 10,000 lotus flowers in the sky. Seated atop this oversized floral arrangement, Heavenly Primogenitor entered the formation through the gate. As he did so, Grandmaster of Heaven unleashed a clap of thunder from his palm, and the sword hanging above that gate flashed. Now, Heavenly Primogenitor was well protected by his lotus flowers, but even he lost a flower to this attack.
But as that flower drifted to the ground, Heavenly Primogenitor continued to penetrate the formation. He went to the south, and then the west, and then the north. After having a good look around, he laughed and sang a song, which went:
Grandmaster of Heaven, even with his deep cultivation,
Hung up his four swords all in vain.
He tried and schemed all for naught,
While I stride to and fro however I will.
As he sang, Heavenly Primogenitor exited the formation through the eastern gate that he entered from. His disciples met him and returned to their pavilion.
“Master, how did the formation look?” Burning Lamp asked.
“I couldn’t tell,” Heavenly Primogenitor replied.
“Master, since you were able to enter the formation, why didn’t you just break it today so that Jiang Ziya could continue his Eastern expedition?” Immortal of the South Pole asked.
“As the old saying goes, ‘Respect your elders,’ ” Heavenly Primogenitor said. “Even though I oversee our sect, I do have a senior Daoist brother. How can I act unilaterally? When he gets here, then we’ll deal with the formation.”
Just then, they heard the sound of divine music in the sky. From the heavens a water buffalo descended, carrying on its back Laozi, Heavenly Primogenitor’s senior comrade. Heavenly Primogenitor and his disciples went out to greet him. He and Laozi walked back into the pavilion hand in hand and sat down, while the disciples kneeled and then stood to two sides.
Laozi then said, “Our brother Grandmaster of Heaven has set up this formation to block the advance of Jiang Ziya and the Zhou army. I have come to ask him why. Let’s see how he’ll answer me.”
Heavenly Primogenitor told him, “I took a stroll in his formation earlier today, but I haven’t squared off against him yet.”
“Well then you should just go ahead and break his formation,” Laozi said. “If he admits defeat, then so be it. But if he doesn’t, then we’ll take him to go see our master and see what he’d say then.”
As the two sat and chatted, their aura sent colorful clouds up into the sky, lighting up Border Placard Pass all night.
The next morning, Grandmaster of Heaven led his Jie sect disciples out of the Immortal Slaughter Formation. On the other side, Laozi rode out on his water buffalo, followed by all the Chan sect disciples.
After they traded greetings, Laozi said to Grandmaster of Heaven, “Good brother, the three of us had agreed to obey the cycles of heaven. So why are you blocking the Zhou army and obstructing Jiang Ziya?”
“Brother, you shouldn’t just listen to one side,” Grandmaster of Heaven said. “Grand Completion came to my Green Touring Palace three times and humiliated my disciples and insulted us. Then yesterday, Heavenly Primogenitor took his own disciples’ side, casting aside our brotherhood. How is that justified? And now, instead of disciplining your own disciples, you’re blaming me. What’s this? If you want me to forgive you, then send Grand Completion to my palace for me to deal with. Then I’ll let this drop. Otherwise, let our two sides show off our respective skills and see who’s better.”
“Oh, so all of these things you’re saying aren’t biased?” Laozi retorted. “You just listen to your own disciples’ slander, working yourself into an unjustified rage. And now you’ve set up this formation to harm lives. Even if Grand Completion actually said the things you accused him of, it doesn’t justify all this. You are acting against heaven and disobeying the rules. Listen to me: Hurry up and disband this formation. Go back to your palace and change your ways. Then we’ll allow you to remain head of your sect. Otherwise, we’ll take you to the Purple Haze Palace to see our master. He’ll turn you into a mortal, and then you’ll never get to see the Green Touring Palace again. Then it’ll be too late for regrets.”
Well, that went over about as well as you would imagine. Grandmaster of Heaven turned red in the face and glowered at Laozi. “You and I are of the same level. We each oversee our own sects. How dare you talk down to me?! Do you think I’m not your equal?! I’ve already laid out my formation. I will have it out with you! Do you dare to attack my formation?!”
Laozi simply chuckled. “What’s so hard about that? But don’t you regret it! Since you want me to attack your formation, then I’ll let you go back inside first and get ready. And then I’ll come in, just so you won’t be rushed.”
And so, Grandmaster of Heaven now steered his rhino back inside the Immortal Entrapping Gate of the formation. Once he was in position, Laozi rode straight through that gate on his buffalo. Shooting bright light, white fog, purple haze, and red clouds from its hooves, the buffalo took to the air. Laozi then unfurled his magic map, which turned into a golden bridge. Laozi then rode along the bridge down into the formation while singing.
When Grandmaster of Heaven saw this, he unleashed thunder from his palms. With a loud clash, the magic sword hanging above that gate shook, getting ready to try to take off Laozi’s head. But Laozi simply roared with laughter.
“Grandmaster my brother, don’t be so rude. I’m going give you a good slap!”
As he spoke, he swung his arm and Grandmaster of Heaven felt a slap across his face. He became flushed with anger and his body burned as if on fire. He now raised sword and attacked Laozi.
But Laozi again laughed and said, “You have no understanding of the true Dao. How can you establish and lead a school?”
As he spoke, he landed another slap across his foe’s face. Grandmaster of Heaven was now fuming. “How dare you kill my disciples?!” he raged. “How can I let that go?!”
As he spoke, he raised his sword and attacked again. The two now faced off in the formation for a good hour. As the Jie sect disciples looked on, thunder roared and winds howled inside the formation, accompanied by flashes of lightning amid the thick fog.
Despite the raging elements and a raging foe, Laozi felt no fear, protected by a magic pearl pagoda that hovered over his head. He now thought to himself, “Grandmaster of Heaven is all about Daoist magic, but he knows little of the study of the Way. Let me show his disciples what my sect can do.”
And so, Laozi pulled the reins of his buffalo and leaped back from the fight. He then pushed the fishtail coronet on his head, and three wisps of smoke emanated from the top of his head.
Laozi then resumed his fight with Grandmaster of Heaven. Before long, they heard the chime of a bell from the East as a Daoist appeared, wearing a Nine Clouds Coronet and a red Daoist robe decorated with white cranes. He wielded a sword and shouted to Laozi, “Brother, I’m coming to help you!”
“Who are you?” Grandmaster of Heaven shouted.
“Listen to my poem,” the Daoist replied.
“In the beginning, the Dao was the only one.
To appear and disappear is the natural way.
The purple air comes from the East,
It’s been 5,000 years since the sage crossed Hanguan (2,1) Pass.”
When he was done reciting the poem, the Daoist added, “I am the Fairy of Upper Purity.” And as he spoke, he attacked. Grandmaster of Heaven had no idea where this guy came from. As he hurriedly parried Upper Purity’s blows, he heard another chime of the bell from the South. And soon another Daoist showed up, dressed in a yellow robe and riding on a flying horse while holding a scepter.
This guy also shouted to Laozi, “Daoist brother! I have come to help you tame Grandmaster of Heaven.”
“And who are you?” Grandmaster of Heaven asked.
“How can you call yourself a sect leader if you don’t even recognize me!” the Daoist scoffed. “Listen up:
Reaching Kunlun Mountain from Hanguan (2,1) Pass,
The Daoist crosses both foreign and Chinese soil.
My body is immortal like heaven and earth,
I remain even if Mount Xumi (1,2) collapses.
I am the Daoist of Jade Purity.”
Grandmaster of Heaven was puzzled. “Since the beginning, Daoism has only been taught through our three schools. Where did these Daoists come from?”
As he continued to fight, he was preoccupied with that question. Then, he heard the sound of jade chimes coming from the North, and another Daoist showed up, dressed in a Purple Haze robe and holding a dragon beard fan in one hand and a Three Treasure Scepter in the other. This guy also shouted to Laozi that he was coming to help.
Grandmaster of Heaven was now quite on edge and asked the Daoist who he was. And of course he was answered in verse.
“I never count the years since time began,
I’ve lived the ages through.
I know the philosophy of Heaven and earth,
Let all the pagans feel surprise.
I am the Daoist of Extreme Purity.”
So now, Grandmaster of Heaven found himself surrounded by Laozi and the Three Purities. He was put on the defensive, while all his disciples were secretly astonished by the sight of the three Daoists who showed up to help, as their bodies emitted brilliant auras.
What they didn’t know, however, was that these guys were essentially just mirages, transformed from the three wisps of smoke that had emanated from Laozi’s head. After the fight went on for a while, Laozi uttered a poem of his own. And in the blink of an eye, his three Daoist helpers vanished. Grandmaster of Heaven was stunned and lost focus for a second, and in that second, he took a few more slaps across the face from Laozi.
Watching his master get slapped around, the Jie sect senior disciple Multi-Precious shouted, “Master, I’m coming to help you!” and drew his sword and made straight for Laozi.
But Laozi chuckled, “You’re a miniscule. How dare you try to show off?”
He now used his shoulder pole to block the sword, and then sent his Fire and Wind seat cushion into the air, summoning a divine bodyguard.
“Apprehend this Daoist and put him in my peach orchard for me to deal with,” Laozi ordered. And just like that, the bodyguard wrapped Multi-Precious in the seat cushion and carried him away.
Feeling like he had taught Grandmaster of Heaven enough lessons for today, Laozi now exited the same gate that he entered from, and made his way back to the Chan sect’s pavilion. There, Heavenly Primogenitor and the others greeted him and asked how things went.
“His formation is formidable and cannot be broken quickly,” Laozi said with a chuckle. “But I slapped him around a few times and captured Multi-Precious and sent him back to my cave.”
Heavenly Primogenitor, though, raised a point of concern. “You and I can each attack one of the gates. But that still leaves two other gates, and our disciples are not strong enough to attack those. You and I are immune from those magic swords hanging over the gates, but others aren’t.”
Just as they were talking about that, Grand Completion came and said that their snooty Buddhist friend, Candi (Jandi), was calling. Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor hurriedly welcomed Candi in. After they sat down, Laozi laughed and said, “Brother, you must have come to help us break the Immortal Slaughter Formation. We truly share a destiny with the West. I was just about to go ask for your help, and here you are. It’s all preordained.”
Candi replied, “To tell you the truth, our Westland is a paradise of peace where flowers bloom and people come happily. So I have come to the East and South looking for those who are destined to join us. But I had not met anyone yet. But then I saw hundreds of red auras emanating from here, so I know destiny lies here. So I have come here to find those who are destined to help spread our teachings. Therefore, I have come to meet you all.”
“Your arrival matches the portends of heaven,” Laozi said.
Candi then asked, “The four swords in that formation are magical objects that predate time. How did they fall into the hands of the Jie sect?”
Laozi explained, “There was once a hidden crag where magical weapons and other sacred objects were found. Our master divided those objects to help maintain the peace in all corners of the land. So those four swords ended up in the possession of my Daoist brother, Grandmaster of Heaven. And now he’s using them to make trouble for us. But even though we face peril, it’s all preordained. And you have arrived at the perfect time. We just need one more master and we can break this formation.”
Candi suggested, “In that case, we truly share a destiny. Let me go invite my sect’s leader. Then our three sects will take on the formation together to separate jade from stone.”
Laozi loved that idea, so Candi took his leave and went back West to invite the Buddha Amitabha, who, the last time we met him, was reluctantly lending his sect’s sacred banner to these bloodthirsty, trigger-happy Daoists so they could tame one of their foes. After trading greetings, Amitabha asked Candi why he had come back so soon.
“I saw hundreds of red auras emanating from the Chan and Jie schools of Daoism,” Candi explained. “Right now, Grandmaster of Heaven has set up an Immortal Slaughter Formation. It has four gates and needs four masters to be broken. Right now, we’re one short, so I have come to ask you to help us.”
“But I have never left our paradise,” Amitabha said. “I worry that I will not know how to deal with the affairs of the mortals and would not be up to the task.”
But Candi did the “C’mon!” thing and leaned on his fellow Buddha, and that did the trick. Soon, the two of them were descending on the Chan sect’s pavilion, where they were greeted by Laozi, Heavenly Primogenitor, and all the rest.
After they greeted each other and sat down, Laozi said to his guests, “Today, we dared to trouble you for help. It’s not because we’re causing trouble. It’s all so that our three sects can unite and face this calamity together.”
“I have come hoping to find those who are to join us in the future,” Amitabha said. “This must be fate as well.”
They then started discussing how to break the enemy formation. Heavenly Primogenitor called over four of his disciples from the class of 12: Jade Tripod, Divine Virtue, Grand Completion, and Pure Essence. He asked them to extend their hands, and then he wrote a charm on each of their palms.
“Tomorrow, when you hear thunder from inside the formation and see flames shooting up, go take the four magic swords,” he told the four disciples. “I will have a use for them.”
Then, he told Burning Lamp, “You stand in the sky. If Grandmaster of Heaven tries to fly up, hit him with your Sea-Calming Pearls. That will injure him for sure. That’ll show him how boundless our sect’s powers are.”
And so, the plans were set, and everyone prepared for the coming clash. To see how things will shake out, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)