Gods 067: Child’s Play
A Shang commander learns the pros and cons of letting your kids talk to random beggar monks.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 67 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, Jiang Ziya and company relied on a little trickery to neutralize one of the enemy’s magical weapons and kill one of its sorcerer generals. They then had to face that guy’s Jie sect Daoist master, Yu (2) Yuan (2), who was a much tougher customer. But with some help from Juliu Sun, a member of the Chan sect’s class of 12, they managed to capture Yu Yuan. But then they had a little problem disposing of the guy, seeing how he was essentially impervious to weapons of any kind.
Juliu Sun now had an idea. He told Jiang Ziya, “You can have your craftsmen make a heavy steel chest, put Yu Yuan in it, and throw the chest into the North Sea. That will rid you of any further trouble from him.”
Jiang Ziya immediately had his blacksmiths do as Juliu Sun suggested. Soon they were stuffing Yu Yuan into a steel chest, and Juliu Sun ordered his divine bodyguard to chuck the chest into the North Sea. After he watched the chest disappear below the waves, the bodyguard reported back to Juliu Sun that the job was done.
Except, of course, it wasn’t. Thanks to the alchemy that supposedly happens when metal meets water, Yu Yuan was able to free himself from the steel chest once it sank, and he fast-traveled away via the water element. But he was still tied up by the Immortal Bounding Cord. So he made his way to the Jie sect’s headquarters, the Green Touring Palace. Because he was still tied up, he didn’t want to embarrass himself by asking the gatekeeper to announce him. As he lingered at the foot of the cliff where the palace sat, he suddenly heard a young acolyte walking along while singing.
“Daoist brother, help me!” Yu Yuan shouted.
The acolyte found him and asked who he was and why he was all tied up.
“I am Yu Yuan of Penglai Island, a disciple of Mother Golden Spirit. Jiang Ziya threw me into the North Sea, but thanks to heaven, I was able to escape and fast-travel here. Please help me.”
So the acolyte relayed this to Mother Golden Spirit, who was irate. She rushed out to the foot of the cliff and only became more incensed when she saw her disciple’s sorry state. She went into the palace and told the Jie sect’s founder, Grandmaster of Heaven, “Everyone claims it’s just hearsay that the Chan sect bullies our people. But now, what did my disciple Yu Yuan do that they had to chuck him into the North Sea? Thankfully he didn’t die and was able to fast travel here. Please exercise your compassion and save some face for us.”
“Where is he now?” Grandmaster of Heaven asked.
Mother Golden Spirit soon had Yu Yuan carried to the palace, and the sight of one of their own being tied up antagonized all the Jie sect disciples even more. They all went to voice their displeasure to the senior disciples.
Grandmaster of Heaven also felt bad for Yu Yuan when he saw how pitiful he looked. So he put a charm on his body, which promptly loosened the Immortal Bounding Cord and freed him. Grandmaster of Heaven then told Yu Yuan to follow him into the palace. There, he gave Yu Yuan an object and said, “Go use this to capture Juliu Sun and bring him to me. But you’re not allowed to harm him.”
Yu Yuan immediately set out back to Sishui Pass, whereupon he was greeted by the Shang commander Han (2) Rong (2). Yu Yuan recounted what happened and then said, “My master has lent me an object to help me succeed. Prepare my camel. I will go out right now to get revenge.”
So he rode out to the Zhou camp and demanded to speak with Juliu Sun. When the guards brought word of this to Jiang Ziya, he was stunned and huddled with Juliu Sun. Juliu Sun said, “Yu Yuan must have managed to escape to the Green Touring Palace and borrow some magical item from Grandmaster of Heaven. That’s why he dared to come back. You go talk to him again, and I will capture him again, so as to put out the immediate fire. If we let him summon his treasure first, then it would be hard to beat him.”
So Jiang Ziya rode out with his army again, whereupon Yu Yuan shouted, “Jiang Ziya, I’m going to settle the score with you today!” and attacked. Jiang Ziya pulled out his sword, and they had barely traded one blow before Juliu Sun once again unleashed an Immortal Bounding Cord and tied up Yu Yuan. And once again, his divine bodyguard carried Yu Yuan into the Zhou camp.
Back in camp, Jiang Ziya once again faced the conundrum of how to dispose of this foe. Just then, word came that the freelance Daoist Lu (4) Ya (1) had arrived. Jiang Ziya and Juliu Sun hurriedly welcomed him into the command tent. And as soon as Yu Yuan saw Lu Ya, his face turned ashen, and he started pleading with Lu Ya, “Daoist brother, please exercise compassion and take pity on how long I have cultivated my Dao! I will change my ways from now on and will never dare to cross the Zhou forces again.”
But Lu Ya said, “You have acted against heaven, and cannot be pardoned. And it’s all preordained; I’m just carrying out heaven’s orders.”
Lu Ya now had an incense table set up and bowed toward Kunlun Mountain, the home of the Chan sect. He then retrieved a gourd from his flower basket, put it on the table, and removed its stopper. A beam of white light shot out from the gourd. At its tip was an 8-inch dagger with eyes and wings.
“Spin, my treasure,” Lu Ya commanded. The dagger spun a few times and sliced through Yu Yuan’s neck. His head promptly fell to the ground.
Well, that was anticlimactic. You would’ve thought Yu Yuan would at least get to use whatever macguffin he got from his master, but nope.
Jiang Ziya wanted to hang Yu Yuan’s head up as a warning, but Lu Ya said no. “Yu Yuan had achieved immortality,” Lu Ya explained, though I guess that must’ve been immortality with an asterisk, given Yu Yuan’s present state. “It would not be right to expose his remains. Just bury him in the ground.”
Lu Ya then took his leave and departed with Juliu Sun.
Inside Sishui Pass, the Shang commander Han Rong heard that Yu Yuan was dead, so he assembled his officers and said, “Now that Master Yu is dead, we have no one else who can defeat the enemy. Their army is on our doorstep, and the passes on our flanks have already fallen. Jiang Ziya has no shortage of talented men; we will not be able to defeat him. I can’t bear to surrender on account of my loyalty to the Shang. But if I don’t surrender, this pass will fall to the enemy sooner or later. What should we do?!”
One of his lieutenants said, “Commander, since you can’t bear to turn against the Shang, you shouldn’t surrender the pass. Why don’t you hang your seal of command from the rafters of your residence, leave behind all the administrative records, bow toward the capital to thank the king for his past kindness, and just resign your position and leave. You would’ve fulfilled your obligations as a vassal.”
Umm, I’m pretty sure abandoning your post falls a little short of a vassal’s obligations, but Han Rong was not going to argue against a suggestion that could save his neck. So he ordered his soldiers to load all the valuables in his home onto carts as he prepared to abandon his post and live out the rest of his life in obscurity. All his officers also went home to pack.
While Han Rong’s men were busy packing, his two sons heard the commotion. They were discussing strategy for defeating the enemy in the rear garden, and they came out to find everyone rushing to and fro with chests and boxes. When they asked, one of the guards told them what was happening. The two sons said, “You all hold on for a bit. We’ll talk to our father about this.”
So they went to see Han Rong and asked, “Father, why are you loading up our property? What is your intention in abandoning your post?”
“You two are young and don’t understand the ways of the world,” Han Rong said. “Hurry up and pack so we can leave and dodge the calamity of war. Don’t delay.”
The elder son, Han Sheng (1), scoffed, “Father, you’re mistaken! Don’t let outsiders hear what you just said, or your reputation will be in tatters. You have received immense kindness from the state. All that you have — your wealth, your rank, and your family — you owe to the king’s kindness. And he has entrusted you with this most important checkpoint. Instead of sacrificing yourself to repay the state, you’re resorting to such cowardly schemes to save yourself. Posterity will say that you did not act like a man, and that you have wronged the court. As the old saying goes, ‘Wherever you’re stationed, that’s where you die.’ How can you leave your post so easily? My brother and I have been learning martial skills since we were young. We also have received training from a Daoist, and we just completed that training. We were planning to help attack the enemy, but who knew that you intended to abandon your post? We would rather die in the name of loyalty to the state!”
Han Rong nodded and sighed, “Do you think I don’t know the words honor and loyalty? But the king is tyrannical and cruel, and heaven’s favor now lies elsewhere. If I continue to hold out here, I worry that it would cause more suffering for the civilians. I was hoping to save them by resigning my post. Besides, Jiang Ziya has lots of uncommon talents helping him. Even Yu (2) Hua (4) and Yu (2) Yuan were no match, so how can we beat him? I’m of course happy to see how courageous and loyal you two are, but I worry that it would not be enough, and that you would die for nothing.”
“That’s nonsense!” Han Sheng scolded his father. “If you receive beneficence from someone, then you should help them shoulder their burdens. If everyone just looks out for themselves, then what’s the point of the court paying anyone at all? My brother and I are willing to die to repay the state. Father, please sit down. Let us show you something.”
Seeing such a display of bravado and loyalty, Han Rong couldn’t help but be moved and thought to himself, “Looks like my descendants truly are men of loyalty and honor.”
So he sat down while Han Sheng went to retrieve an object from his study. It was a paper pinwheel with four blades. Each blade had a charm on it, corresponding to the elements, earth, water, fire, and wind.
“This is just a child’s toy; what of it?” a puzzled Han Rong asked.
“Father, you don’t understand its secrets,” Han Sheng said. “Please go to the training grounds and we’ll demonstrate for you.”
Seeing how serious his sons were, Han Rong decided to follow them to the training ground. There, Han Sheng and his young brother Han Bian (4) mounted their horses, let their hair down, pulled out their swords, and uttered an incantation. Immediately, clouds and fog closed in, an ill wind started to blow, and flames shot toward the heavens. From the sky, seemingly millions of blades came flying down, scaring Han Rong out of his mind.
“Who taught you this?” he asked his sons after they concluded their magic show.
“That year when you were at court, we were playing out in front of the house, and a traveling monk came by to beg for food. We gave him a meal, and he told us that he would be our teacher. We saw that he had an unusual appearance, so we said ok. He then said, ‘I’m going to give you this item. When Jiang Ziya’s army comes to attack you in the future, you can use this to defeat the enemy and defend your pass.’ And things are going just as he predicted. So we’ll succeed for sure and capture Jiang Ziya.”
Han Rong was delighted and asked Han Sheng what he needed. Han Sheng said, “We have 3,000 pinwheels, more than enough to handle Jiang Ziya’s army of 600,000. We’ll wipe them all out in one battle.”
So Han Rong assigned 3,000 crack troops to his sons, who then drilled the soldiers in how to operate the pinwheels. The soldiers dressed in black, wore their hair down, and were barefoot. They each carried a pinwheel in their left hand and a blade in their right for killing enemy soldiers. After drilling for a couple weeks, the soldiers were ready, so Han Rong and his sons led their army out to fight.
All this while, Jiang Ziya had been planning how to lay siege to the pass. That day, he suddenly heard sounds of explosives coming from the pass, and momentarily soldiers reported that Han Rong had come out and was demanding to speak with him. Jiang Ziya led his forces out and asked Han Rong, “General, you don’t recognize which way the wind is blowing and you don’t obey the will of heaven. How can you call yourself a commander? Surrender now, or it’ll be too late for regrets.”
Han Rong laughed and retorted, “Jiang Ziya, you just think your army is strong, but what you don’t realize is that your demise is imminent. Yet you still dare to show off here!”
Jiang Ziya was not amused and asked who will go apprehend Han Rong. The general Wei (4) Ben (1) dashed out with spear in hand. From behind Han Rong, his two sons charged out to stop the oncoming Wei Ben.
“Who are you two?!” Wei Ben shouted.
Han Sheng replied, “I am Commander Han’s elder son Han Sheng, and this is my younger brother Han Bian (4). You all think you’re strong and dare to disrespect the king. Your crimes are immense. Today is the day you meet your end!”
Wei Ben got angry and started trading blows with Han Rong’s sons. After a few exchanges, Han Sheng turned and fled. Wei Ben gave chase. Suddenly, Han Sheng waved his spear, and the 3,000 soldiers with the pinwheels charged out. They swept forward like wind and fire, engulfed in dark clouds and hurling thousands upon thousands of sharp blades at the enemy. The Zhou army fell into disarray, and soon, the ground was littered with bodies, and blood flowed in rivers.
But in the midst of this massacre, Han Rong suddenly ordered his army to beat the gong to signal retreat. So his sons called back their troops. Only then was Jiang Ziya able to regroup his decimated forces and limp back to camp.
Once back at camp, Jiang Ziya huddled with his officers. Everyone agreed that the paper pinwheels were unstoppable, and no one had any idea how to deal with it.
Meanwhile, inside Sishui Pass, Han Sheng asked his father why he called the army back just as things were going well. Han Rong explained, “We were fighting in broad daylight. Even though your magic summoned dark clouds to block out the sky, Jiang Ziya and company are all Daoists, so they would have been prepared to defend themselves. But I have an idea that will catch them off guard in the dark of night and wipe them all out. Won’t that be even better?”
“Father, your strategies are truly divine,” both of his sons said as they bowed.
That night in the Zhou camp, Jiang Ziya was brooding as he pondered how to counter the pinwheels. Discipline in the camp had broken down after that day’s defeat, and many of his officers and soldiers were nursing injuries while resting from the day’s battle. So no one was prepared.
As darkness descended, Han Rong and his sons sneaked out of Sishui Pass with their 3,000 crack troops. They made their way to the enemy camp, swept aside the defensive obstacles, and poured through the camp gate like a knife splitting bamboo.
Hearing the cries of battle outside, Jiang Ziya rushed out of his tent and mounted his ride, while his officers flocked to his defense. Dark clouds hovered over the camp as winds howled and flames roared, while sharp blades rained down on the Zhou forces. Once again, rivers of blood flowed and the ground became strewn with bodies of the slain. It was soon everyone for himself. Even the Martial King Ji Fa hopped on a horse and fled while protected by a couple of his brothers. Han Rong directed his army forward, and they scattered the Zhou forces.
Amid the chaos, Han Sheng and Han Bian were chasing Jiang Ziya, who fled with some of his troops while wielding his magic yellow pennant for protection. As dawn broke, the pursuers were closing in, and Han Sheng and Han Bian could be heard shouting, “If we don’t capture Jiang Ziya today, we will NOT go home!” as they ordered their 3,000 troops to keep pressing forward.
By now, they were approaching Golden Rooster Peak. Jiang Ziya could see two large red banners in the distance. These were the pennants of Zheng (4) Lun (2), one of his three provisions officers. Seeing reinforcements up ahead, Jiang Ziya felt a little more at ease. Zheng Lun rode out to meet him at the mouth of the canyon and asked what happened.
“We’re being pursued,” Jiang Ziya said. “They’re using magic pinwheels and are also aided by wind and fire. It’s sorcery, and it’s too much to stop. You must dodge the brunt of their assault.”
Hearing this, Zheng Lun galloped forth to meet the oncoming pursuers. He ran smack dab into the two Han brothers.
“Scoundrels, how dare you chase my commander?!” Zheng Lun shouted.
“You can’t take his place even if you want to!” Han Sheng shouted as he charged and attacked. Zheng Lun raised his staff to counter. Now, Zheng Lun had been warned about the enemy’s sorcery. So when he saw the enemy’s soldiers approaching in the distance, he decided to strike quickly. So after just one exchange, he turned to his own magic. He shot out two white beams of light from his nostrils, and Han Sheng and Han Bian both immediately fell out of their saddles and were captured alive by Zheng Lun’s soldiers.
When the two brothers came to, they found themselves already bound, and they sighed and lamented, “Heaven wants us dead!”
When their 3,000 soldiers arrived on the scene, their magic had been broken since their leaders had been captured. All the fire, wind, and sharp objects dissipated. So the 3,000 soldiers turned tail and fled back the way they came. They ran into Han Rong, who was leading the rest of his army forward to sweep up fleeing enemies.
When he saw his own soldiers fleeing back, Han Rong asked, “Where are my sons?!”
“They were pursuing Jiang Ziya toward the mountain when suddenly a general came out,” the soldiers told him. “They had fought for barely one bout when for some reason both of your sons fell off their horses and were captured. When we arrived, our wind, fire, and blades suddenly disappeared, so we had to turn and flee.”
This report struck fear into Han Rong’s heart, and he did not dare to pursue farther. Instead, he led his army back inside Sishui Pass.
Meanwhile, Zheng Lun reported to Jiang Ziya with his two prisoners in tow. Jiang Ziya was delighted and had them locked up in a cart for the time being. He then led his army back toward the pass. Along the way, they met up with the Martial King.
The next day, they regrouped their forces and pitched camp outside of Sishui Pass once more. Then, they set off several rounds of explosives to announce their presence once again. When Han Rong got word that the enemy was back, he said with alarm, “If the Zhou army is back, then my sons must be dead!” He then rushed to the city walls to personally oversee the defenses.
Outside the pass, Jiang Ziya had his army line up and he rode out to the foot of the pass and shouted up to the walls, asking to speak with Han Rong. From atop the walls, Han Rong shouted, “Jiang Ziya, you’re a defeated general. How dare you come back?!”
Jiang Ziya laughed out loud and replied, “Even though I fell for your scheme, I’m still going to sack your pass. Besides, I’ve already captured the generals who beat me last night.”
At that, his men brought over two figures. Han Rong saw that it was his two sons, all disheveled and bound. He felt a pang of sadness in his heart, and he shouted, “Commander Jiang, my sons were ignorant and offended you. Even though they don’t deserve it, Ihope you will show them mercy. I’m willing to surrender Sishui Pass to you to repay you!”
But his elder son Han Sheng shouted, “Father, you must not! You’re one of King Zhou’s trusted officers and have benefitted immensely from his kindness. How can you disregard your duties as a vassal for the sake of your sons’ lives? Just sit tight and defend the pass. When the king’s reinforcements arrive, then you can work together to capture this scoundrel Jiang Ziya and cut him to pieces to avenge us. We will die without regret!”
When Jiang Ziya heard those words of defiance, he became irate and told his men to execute Han Rong’s sons. The general Nangong Kuo raised his saber and quickly cut off both young men’s heads in front of Han Rong. Watching his sons meet their bloody end, Han Rong let out an anguished cry and leaped from the top of the city walls, plunging to his death.
With the commander dead, the civilians inside the pass opened the gates and welcomed in Jiang Ziya, lining the streets with incense to welcome him. Jiang Ziya checked the city’s records of population and wealth, and posted notices to put the civilians’ minds at ease. Meanwhile, the Martial King ordered that Han Rong and his sons be given proper burials. They then rewarded all the generals who rendered service in the battles and rested at the pass for the next few days.
Meanwhile, in a cave far far away, Nezha’s master, Fairy Primordial, was meditating when the White Crane Acolyte arrived and announced that the Chan sect’s leader, Heavenly Primogenitor, was ordering Fairy Primordial to go help Jiang Ziya with an upcoming showdown.
Once White Crane Acolyte left, Fairy Primordial summoned Nezha and told him, “Your wounds have healed. You can rejoin the Zhou army first, and I’ll be right behind you.”
But as Nezha turned to go, Fairy Primordial called him back and said, “Hold on. Once upon a time, Heavenly Primogenitor bestowed three cups of wine to Jiang Ziya upon sending him out into the world. So let me offer you three cups now as well.”
So Fairy Primordial had his attendant bring over three cups of wine, and after Nezha drank each cup, Fairy Primordial gave him a dried date to chase the liquor. After Nezha drank the three cups of wine and ate the three dried dates, he and his master walked outside. Nezha hopped on his fire wheels and set off, and Fairy Primordial turned and went back inside the cave.
Nezha was just about to take to the air when suddenly, he felt a tingling in his left side and heard something pop out. He looked down and was stunned to find that he had sprouted an extra arm.
“What the hell?!” Nezha exclaimed. But before he finished speaking, another arm sprouted out from his right side. And this was soon followed by another arm, and another, and another. When all was said and done, Nezha had grown six extra arms, giving him eight in all. And he also sprouted two extra heads, so he now had three of those.
Panicked, Nezha decided to go back to the cave and ask his master what’s up with this. When he returned to the cave, he found Fairy Primordial standing at the entrance, clapping and laughing, declaring, “How miraculous!”
Uhh, yeah, that’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one who has just undergone a major mutation. Nezha now said, “Master, how can I fight with all these arms getting in each other’s way?”
But Fairy Primordial said, “There are many uncommon men in Jiang Ziya’s service. Some have wings, some can transform, some can travel in the earth, and some have powerful treasures. And now, you have three heads and eight arms, which will do justice to the training you have received from me. You can hide or show these arms and heads any time you wish. Now, you’ll be part of the exotice talents in the Zhou army.”
Uhh yeah, ok Tiger Master. As if being made of lotus and riding on fire wheels wasn’t enough. In any case, Fairy Primordial now showed Nezha how to hide and summon his new limbs and heads. Once Nezha figured it out, he was delighted with his new gifts, because he now had enough hands to wield all his special macguffins at the same time. He then took his leave and headed back to Sishui Pass.
Over at Sishui Pass, Jiang Ziya was planning his next move when guards suddenly reported that uhh, something with eight arms and three heads just showed up outside. Jiang Ziya sent Li Jing out to take a look. So Li Jing went out and asked the visitor who he was.
“Dad, it’s me, Nezha!” the creature said.
Li Jing took a closer look and was shocked. Nezha then recounted how he came by all these new arms and heads. When Li Jing and Nezha reported back to Jiang Ziya, the latter was delighted, and all the officers complimented Nezha on his new look.
Despite this addition, however, a troubled thought soon crossed Jiang Ziya’s mind. “My master had warned me that I would run into trouble at Border Placard Pass, and that’s up next. I don’t know what’s waiting for me there, but if I don’t advance, it’ll delay our expedition.”
To see how he’ll proceed, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)
- “Slow Times Over Here” by Midnight North (from YouTube audio library)