Gods 062: Beam Me Up
The Zhou army gets a timely visit from a helpful but uppity Buddhist friend in their fight against Kong Xuan.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 62 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, the Zhou’s Eastern expedition ran into a roadblock at Golden Rooster Peak and suffered their biggest personnel loss to date when Huang Tianhua was killed. Huang Tianhua’s father, Flying Tiger, then went to recruit the Grand Duke of the North, Black Tiger, to come help him avenge his son’s death. Black Tiger promptly went out and started trading blows against Gao (1) Jineng (4,2), the Shang general who had killed Huang Tianhua.
After just a few exchanges, three other warriors from the Zhou side joined the fray. These were the heroes of Flying Phoenix Mountain that Flying Tiger had also recruited: Wen (2) Pin (4), Cui (1) Ying (1), and Jiang (3) Xiong (2). They and Black Tiger now surrounded Gao Jineng and engaged in a fierce fight as both armies cheered them on with thunderous roars of battle.
Hearing the commotion from the command tent, Jiang Ziya told Flying Tiger, “General, Black Tiger came for your sake. You should go help him.”
“You’re right!” Flying Tiger exclaimed. “I’ve been so muddleheaded thinking about my son that I nearly forgot!”
So he mounted his magic cow and charged out, shouting, “Lord Black Tiger, I’m coming for the man who killed my son!”
And now, five warriors were surrounding Gao Jineng, and he could not hold his ground anymore. He panicked and found an opening that allowed him to disengage and flee. His five foes were hot on his tail. As they drew nearer, Gao Jineng pulled out his special weapon, the bag of killer bees that he carried with him. He shook the bag, and a swarm of bees flew out, so numerous that they seemed to block out the sun.
Seeing this onslaught of killer bees, Black Tiger told his companions, “Don’t panic! I’ve got it!”
As he spoke, he opened the gourd on his back, and black smoke came streaming out. Within this smoke emerged a thousand steel-beaked eagles, and they dove into the oncoming swarm and quickly gobbled up all the bees.
Gao Jineng was irate at this turn of events, and he now resumed the fight against the five warriors, who once again surrounded him. Meanwhile, Gao Jineng’s boss, the Shang commander Kong (3) Xuan (1), had gotten word of this fierce battle, so he rode out to take a look. He saw that Gao Jineng was faltering. Before Kong Xuan could come to his aid, Flying Tiger stabbed Gao Jineng in the side, sending him off his horse. Flying Tiger then cut off Gao Jineng’s head to avenge his son.
But just as Flying Tiger and company were about to head back to camp to celebrate, they heard Kong Xuan cursing from behind, “Don’t you scoundrels go anywhere! Here I come!”
“Kong Xuan, you are ignorant of heaven’s will. You’re the real scoundrel!” Flying Tiger cursed back.
Kong Xuan scoffed, “Enough with that pointless prattle. Let’s go!”
He now raised his saber and took on the five warriors. But as they traded blows, he saw how ferocious they were and decided to resort to his Daoist magic sooner than later. So he swept the five beams of light emanating from his back across his foes, and all five of them vanished without a trace, leaving only their horses.
Jiang Ziya was waiting in his tent when scouts rushed back and said, “The five generals were all swept away by Kong Xuan’s light beams.”
Jiang Ziya was stunned. “Even though we killed Gao Jineng, we lost five generals,” he lamented. “Let’s hold for now.”
Meanwhile, Kong Xuan returned to his camp, shook the light beams on his back, and the five unconscious Zhou generals came tumbling out. Kong Xuan had them locked up. But despite this victory, he found himself commanding the army all alone, as all his generals had been slain. So he decided against seeking battle. Instead, he just kept blocking his enemy’s path forward.
While the Zhou army was stuck in place, the first of its provisions convoy arrived. The provisions officer, Yang Jian, was shocked to see the main army had not advanced farther. So he went to see Jiang Ziya and asked what’s up. Jiang Ziya brought him up to speed on their setbacks, including the death of Huang Tianhua. Yang Jian then said, “Tomorrow, please lead the army out yourself, and I will go see what kind of creature Kong Xuan is, so we can figure out how to defeat him.”
After he left the command tent, Yang Jian ran into the officers Nangong Kuo and Wu Ji, and they told him, “Kong Xuan has captured a bunch of our officers and we don’t know what happened to them.”
“I haven’t returned the Demon Revealing Mirror to Master of the Clouds yet,” Yang Jian said. “I’ll get to the bottom of it tomorrow.”
The next day, Jiang Ziya led his army out to face Kong Xuan, who promptly came out and told Jiang Ziya, “You all rebelled without cause and have spread lies to induce the nobles of the land to rise up and converge at Mengjin to wage an insurrection. I’m not going to bother fighting you. I’ll just keep blocking your path and see what you can do about it. Once your provisions run out, then I’ll take my time capturing you.
While he was talking trash, Yang Jian was hiding under the command flag, secretly pointing the Demon Revealing Mirror at Kong Xuan. He saw the reflection of a piece of multicolored agate, rolling around.
“What kind of creature is he?” Yang Jian thought to himself.
Just then, Kong Xuan noticed him and laughed. “Yang Jian, you’re standing too far away to get a good look with that mirror. A real man is always above board. Don’t be sneaking around. Point that mirror at me all you want.”
Having been called out, Yang Jian decided to accept Kong Xuan’s offer. So he rode out to the front and pointed the mirror at his foe again, and again saw the same thing as before. While Yang Jian kept shining the mirror, Kong Xuan started getting annoyed. So he charged. Yang Jian quickly raised his saber to counter. They fought for 30 bouts without a winner. Yang Jian was getting agitated, so he summoned his Sky-Barking Hound. But as the hound darted toward Kong Xuan, it was swept up by one of Kong Xuan’s light beams and vanished.
Yang Jian’s fellow Daoist Wei (4) Hu (4) now tried to help by sending his Demon-Taming Club into the air, but Kong Xuan swept it away with another of his light beams. Yang Jian saw how formidable his opponent’s magic was, so he quickly fled on a beam of golden light.
“Yang Jian, I know you have some skills and are adept at shape-shifting!” Kong Xuan shouted. “Why are you running away? Do you dare to come back and face me again?!”
He then turned toward Jiang Ziya and shouted, “I’m going to settle this with you today!”
As Kong Xuan galloped toward Jiang Ziya, Li (3) Jing (4), Nezha’s father, cursed, “Who do you think you are?! How dare you act up here?!”
Li Jing now charged out with his halberd and took on Kong Xuan. They engaged in a fierce back-and-forth. After a while, Li Jing unleashed his magic pagoda, but Kong Xuan, once again, swept it up with a beam of light. Before Li Jing could react, Kong Xuan swept him up as well.
Two of Li Jing’s sons, Jinzha and Muzha, raised their swords and rushed out to try to save their father. After three exchanges, Jinzha unleashed his Dragon Binding Stake, while Muzha let fly his magic sword. But Kong Xuan just yawned as his light beams swept up both the weapons and his opponents.
Seeing so many of his warriors get captured, Jiang Ziya became enraged and said, “I met countless Daoist masters on Kunlun Mountain. How can I be afraid of a scoundrel like you?!”
As he spoke, he charged out to fight Kong Xuan. After just a few bouts, Kong Xuan directed the blue beam of light toward Jiang Ziya. Jiang Ziya hurriedly unfurled his magic yellow pennant, which let loose a thousand golden lotus flowers and protected him from the beam.
Seeing his transporter beam malfunction for the first time, Kong Xuan was furious and galloped toward Jiang Ziya. But from the Zhou lines, the female general Deng Chanyu let loose one of her patented flying pebbles, and it dinged Kong Xuan squarely in his face. Dazed, Kong Xuan turned and rode back toward his own lines. But unbeknownst to him, Princess Long (2) Ji (2) sent her flying swords at him, and they cut him on his left arm. Kong Xuan screamed in pain and almost fell out of his saddle. But he managed to stay on his horse and fled back into his camp.
One back in his tent, he applied some magic ointment to his wound, and it healed instantly. He then had his prisoners from the day’s battle locked up and stashed all the magical items he had sharked from them. But those victories could not lessen his seething anger over his injury.
On the other side, Jiang Ziya returned to camp and saw Yang Jian waiting for him. Jiang Ziya said, “A bunch of our comrades were captured. How did you manage to escape?”
“I saw how powerful Kong Xuan’s magic was, so I fled on a beam of golden light,” Yang Jian said.
Seeing so many of his men captured and one of his top warriors defeated, Jiang Ziya was restless. “My master said ‘Trap to slaughter immortals at Border Placard Pass’. But I’ve been stuck here for so long. What should I do?” he fretted to himself.
Just then, the Martial King Ji Fa sent a messenger to invite Jiang Ziya to his tent for a word. When Jiang Ziya showed up, Ji Fa said, “I heard that you have not been able to achieve victory for days and that you’ve lost many officers. The commander is the leader of all the officers, and you hold 600,000 lives in the palm of your hand. Yet, we have listened to the other nobles’ reckless calls for insurrection. It’s going to throw the land into chaos and plunge the people into hardship. And now, we have run into stiff resistance. Our officers are endangered and our troops are troubled. Our 600,000 soldiers left their families behind for this campaign, and now they’re all worried. It has also made me leave my mother behind, preventing me from fulfilling my filial duties. I’ve also discarded my late father’s advice. Commander, listen to me. Why don’t we retreat and just defend our own territory and bide our time. That seems to be the best option. What do you think?”
Jiang Ziya thought to himself, “Despite what his highness thinks, how can I dare to disobey the will of heaven?”
Seeming to pick up on his thoughts, Ji Fa now added, “Heaven’s will is what it is, so why force things?”
That spiel made Jiang Ziya uncertain about how to proceed as he started to entertain second thoughts about the campaign. When he returned to the command tent, he sent out word for his troops to prepare to retreat. And so everyone snapped to and started to pack up.
Around 9 p.m. that night, word came from the guards that the Daoist Lu (4) Ya (1) was outside requesting an audience. So you might not remember, but Lu Ya was a powerful Daoist who lent Jiang Ziya a hand about 20 episodes back. He was basically invincible, but then he just said, “Ok, gotta go. See ya,” and left the narrative for a while, lest his omnipotence made things too easy for Jiang Ziya.
Jiang Ziya now hurried outside to welcome Lu Ya and found him huffing and puffing. Once they sat down in the tent, Jiang Ziya asked Lu Ya why he was so worked up.
“I heard you were retreating, so I rushed here,” Lu Ya said. “You must not retreat. If you do, then all the Chan sect followers will die a horrible death. This is preordained, and there can be no doubt.”
Well, that just threw Jiang Ziya into further indecision. He now sent out word to tell the troops to stay put where they were. By now, Ji Fa had heard that Lu Ya was visiting, so he also came by for a word. Lu Ya told him, “Your highness does not understand the will of heaven. You may be facing a formidable foe, but a formidable ally will tame him. If you retreat, then you will be captured and killed for sure.”
That warning silenced Ji Fa, and he did not dare to talk of retreat anymore. The next day, Kong Xuan again came to challenge for battle. Lu Ya said, “Let me go meet him and see how it goes.”
So he went out and said to Kong Xuan, “Sir, you’re a top commander, so how can you be ignorant of the ways of heaven and the world? King Zhou is unjust, and the realm is fractured and ready to attack the tyrant. How can you singlehandedly fend off the will of heaven? What if you run into a powerful adversary? Then it would be too late for regrets.”
Kong Xuan chuckled. “You’re but a country bumpkin! What do you know of the ways of heaven and the world?!”
And so he raised his saber and made straight for Lu Ya. Lu Ya pulled out his sword and they traded blows for five or six bouts. Lu Ya then unleashed his magic gourd, but Kong Xuan unleashed his light beams. Lu Ya knew to be on guard against that, so he turned into a rainbow and retreated from the field.
Upon returning to camp, Lu Ya told Jiang Ziya, “Kong Xuan really is quite formidable. Without knowing what kind of creature he is, I can’t defeat him. So I turned into a rainbow and ran away to fight another day.”
This only added to Jiang Ziya’s concerns. Meanwhile, Kong Xuan refused to return to camp and instead was still outside, shouting, “Tell Jiang Ziya to come fight it out with me so that our armies don’t have to keep suffering here!”
Zhou soldiers reported this to Jiang Ziya, and while he was pondering what to do, Kong Xuan shouted, “Jiang Ziya, you’re a commander in name only, but not in deeds. You’re cowering from battle. That’s not the act of a real man!”
And so it went, as Kong Xuan hurled every insult he could think of. While he was cursing up a storm, the second Zhou provision convoy arrived. This one was led by earth-traveling extraordinaire Tuxing Sun. He saw Kong Xuan parading outside his camp and thought to himself, “How dare that scoundrel mock our commander like this?!”
So Tuxing Sun cursed aloud, “Who are you, scum?! How dare you act so rudely?!”
Kong Xuan took a look and saw this dwarf carrying a steel staff, and he scoffed, “What the hell are you, that you dare to address me?”
Tuxing Sun didn’t bother answering and just darted to right in front of Kong Xuan’s horse and attacked. Kong Xuan raised his saber to fight back, but Tuxing Sun was too nimble for him, as Kong Xuan came up empty on one swing after another.
After a few exchanges, Tuxing Sun leaped back and said, “Kong Xuan, it must be tough for you to fight me while seated on your horse. C’mon down from there so we can be on equal footing. I’ll capture you for sure to show you my skills.”
Kong Xuan thought to himself, “This scoundrel is looking to die. I could split him in two with one kick, not to mention my blade.”
“Fine, I’ll dismount and fight you on foot and see what you can do,” he replied.
So Kong Xuan dismounted, pulled out his sword and attacked. Tuxing Sun answered with his staff, and they engaged in a dogged fight. By now, Jiang Ziya had gotten word of this faceoff, so he rushed out with Tuxing Sun’s wife, Deng Chanyu, to have a look.
Meanwhile, Kong Xuan was having a tough go of it. He was used to fighting on horseback, so he was a step slow on his feet and took a few blows from Tuxing Sun. Realizing that he had put himself in a disadvantage, he now turned to his light beams. As soon as Tuxing Sun saw the beams, however, he ducked into the ground and vanished.
Kong Xuan looked down at the ground to try to figure out what happened, but just then, he heard someone shout, “Scoundrel, take this!” He looked up just in time to take a pebble to the face from Deng Chanyu. He cried out in pain, covered his face with his hands and turned to flee. As he turned, he took another pebble, this time in the back of his neck.
While Kong Xuan limped back to camp with big bruises, Tuxing Sun and Deng Chanyu went to report to Jiang Ziya and told him about their victory. Jiang Ziya was delighted and celebrated their success.
Meanwhile, Kong Xuan was furious that he had again fallen victim to Deng Chanyu’s pebbles. After healing himself with his magic ointment, he came back the next day and demanded to fight the woman who had wounded him three times before. When this was reported to Jiang Ziya, Deng Chanyu wanted to go out to answer the challenge, but Jiang Ziya said, “You can’t go! You’ve dinged him three times; he’s not going to let that go. It won’t bode well if you go out to fight him today.”
So instead, Jiang Ziya just had his men hang up a sign announcing that they weren’t going to answer any challenges. Seeing this, Kong Xuan returned to camp in a huff.
The next day, Master Burning Lamp showed up in the Zhou camp and Jiang Ziya welcomed him in and told him everything about Kong Xuan.
“I understand,” Burning Lamp said. “I’ve come specifically to face him.”
So Jiang Ziya had his men take down the no-battle sign, and as soon as Kong Xuan got word about that, he was outside, demanding to fight. Burning Lamp casually strolled out. Kong Xuan recognized him and laughed.
“Burning Lamp, you’re a recluse who lives in peace and solitude. I know you have deep cultivation of the Dao, so why do you trouble yourself with these mortal concerns?”
Burning Lamp replied, “Since you know the depth of my Daoist powers, you should surrender at once and accompany the Martial King on the expedition against the tyrant. So why do you insist on following this misguided path and go up against me?”
Kong Xuan roared with laughter and said, “You know nothing about my Daoist powers!”
“If your cultivation of the Dao is indeed strong, then how can you not understand the will of heaven and throw yourself against it instead?” Burning Lamp retorted.
“That is a lie you all have told to fool the masses,” Kong Xuan shot back. “How can the man that was destined by heaven to be king be wrong while you rebels be right?”
“You beast!” Burning Lamp scolded him. “You are too boastful; you’ll regret it!”
Kong Xuan was furious and raised his saber to attack. Burning Lamp fought back with his sword. After a few exchanges, Burning Lamp unleashed his 24 Seal Calming Pearls. But Kong Xuan again sharked those pearls with his light beams. Burning Lamp was shocked and unleashed his purple-gold alms bowl, but that too was swept up by the beams.
“Where is my disciple?” Burning Lamp shouted.
A strong wind kicked up and a large roc bird appeared in the sky. This, remember, was the Winged Immortal, whom Burning Lamp tamed a few episodes back. Seeing the roc in the sky, Kong Xuan sent his red light beam shooting toward the heavens. Burning Lamp looked up but couldn’t see what was happening clearly. Four hours later, the roc bird crashed to the ground with a loud thud. Of course, this raises the question: What the heck were Kong Xuan and Burning Lamp doing for those four hours? Just a lot of awkward silences and whistling while they waited for the delayed outcome?
Anyway, Kong Xuan now pointed his light beams toward Burning Lamp, who quickly fled on a beam of light. Burning Lamp returned to camp and said to Jiang Ziya, “I have no idea what Kong Xuan is.”
Just then, the great roc bird also returned to camp. Burning Lamp asked him if he knew what kind of creature Kong Xuan was. The roc replied, “From the air, I could only see that he was surrounded by multicolored clouds. He also seemed to have two wings, but I don’t know what kind of bird he is.”
Just then, the guards reported that someone was outside asking for an audience. Jiang Ziya and Burning Lamp went out to the camp gate and saw a man with his hair tied up in two coils. He had a yellow complexion and a slim frame. In his hair coils, he wore two flowers, and in his hand he carried a branch.
After they greeted each other, Burning Lamp asked the visitor where he was from.
“I am from the West,” the man said. “I came to meet those in the South and East with whom I have a shared destiny. I heard that Kong Xuan was blocking your army’s progress, so I came to help.”
Recognizing that this was a Buddhist monk from the west, Burning Lamp hurriedly invited the visitor into camp. As they walked to the tent, the monk could sense the spirit of destruction throughout the camp and uttered a lament.
Once they sat down, Burning Lamp said, “I have heard that the West is a paradise. You’re acting in the name of compassion by coming East to bring salvation to the masses. What is your honorable name?”
The visitor replied, “My name is Candi (Jandi), a disciple of Buddhism. Previously, I met Master Grand Completion when he came to borrow our sacred flag. And now, this Kong Xuan has a shared destiny with Buddhism, so I have come to invite him to join me in our paradise.”
Burning Lamp was delighted. “My friend, since you have to tame Kong Xuan, this must be the day that the Martial King’s eastern expedition resumes!”
“It’s not just about the Eastern expedition,” Candi said. “Kong Xuan has attained the Dao and his cultivation is deep. He is destined to join us in the West.”
And so, Candi went up the mountainside and shouted, “Please ask Kong Xuan to come have a word!”
Momentarily, Kong Xuan came out and asked for his name. Candi replied, “You and I share a destiny, so I have come to ask you to come enjoy with Western paradise with me, listen to our teachings, leave behind all conflicts, and attain enlightenment so that you may complete your pursuit of immortality. Won’t that be grand? There’s no need to build a life based on killing.”
Kong Xuan roared with laughter and scoffed, “Again with all this nonsense!”
He now raised his saber and hacked at Candi. But Candi simply waved the sacred twig he was carrying, and the saber fell by the wayside. Kong Xuan now pulled out his golden staff and attacked, and Candi again set it aside with a mere wave of his twig.
Now, Kong Xuan was unarmed and panicked, so he pointed the red beam of light coming out of his back at Candi. Candi vanished in the light, but Kong Xuan immediately started acting like someone who had bitten off more than he could chew. His eyes were round, his mouth was agape, and within moments, his helmet and armor crumbled to dust, and his horse fell to the ground. With the sound of a clap of thunder, a Bodhisattva with 18 hands and 24 heads appeared, with each hand holding a sacred object.
Candi now ran a silk thread through Kong Xuan’s neck and put a sacred staff on his body. Candi then said, “My friend, please show your true form!”
Within seconds, Kong Xuan morphed into a peacock. Candi now rode this peacock down the mountain side and returned to the Zhou camp. When he got back to camp, he said, “Pardon me for not dismounting, but I will take my leave now.”
Jiang Ziya said, “Master, your powers are boundless. Kong Xuan has captured many members of our sect. Do you know where they are?”
Candi asked his ride, “My friend, you’ve joined the righteous path. You should return Jiang Ziya’s men.”
“They’re all in my camp,” the peacock replied. So Candi relayed this to Jiang Ziya, and then gave the peacock a tap and the peacock took to the air and flew off toward the West, with Candi on his back.
Jiang Ziya now led his troops over to Kong Xuan’s camp. Deprived of their commander, the Shang soldiers promptly surrendered. Jiang Ziya accepted their submission and then rushed to the back of the camp and released all the prisoners.
The next day, Black Tiger and his entourage of warriors returned to his home city. Burning Lamp and Lu Ya, meanwhile, went back to their respective mountains, while Yang Jian went off with another provisions convoy. Jiang Ziya then ordered his army to resume its march. They crossed over Golden Rooster Peak and proceeded unmolested until they arrived outside Sishui Pass. This, remember, was the gateway to the Shang domain.
So Jiang Ziya and company were finally about to enter enemy territory. To see how their incursion will go, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “The Quiet Aftermath by Sir Cubworth (from YouTube audio library)
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)