Gods 041: Rinse, Repeat

The Daoist Mafia War takes on a decidedly familiar and repetitive feel.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 41 of Investiture of the Gods.

Last time, Grand Tutor Wen Zhong got 10 fellow Daoists from the Jie (2) Sect to lay out 10 formations, each brimming with deadly sorcery, and dared Jiang Ziya and company to attack. The Zhou forces, backed by their own Daoist helpers from the Chan (2) Sect, were able to break the first formation, Heavenly Destruction. Even though they lost a redshirt Daoist in the process, they managed to kill Qin (2) Yuan (2), one of the 10 Jie Daoists, so they more than came out ahead in that trade. 

As we rejoin the action, another of Grand Tutor Wen’s Daoist friends, Zhao (4) Jiang (1) was facing off against Poison Dragon, a young Daoist from the Chan Sect. They traded a few blows with swords, and then Zhao Jiang turned and fled into his Earthly Fury formation. Poison Dragon gave chase and followed him into the formation. But as soon as he did that, Zhao Jiang went to his terrace and started waving his magic pennant. Strange clouds immediately gathered, and Poison Dragon found himself assailed by thunder from above and fire from below. There was nowhere to hide, and within seconds, Poison Dragon had been reduced to dust.

Zhao Jiang now rode out of the formation on his deer and shouted across the field to his foes, “My Daoist friends from the Chan sect, send someone else who actually has some powers to attack my formation. Don’t send those with meager powers; they’d just be throwing their lives away! So, who wants to be next?!”

On the Zhou side, Master Burning Lamp, the senior Chan sect Daoist on the scene who was overseeing the operation, now dispatched a member of the class of 12, Ju (4) Liusun (2,1), to go take a crack at it. Ju Liusun went out and said, “Zhao Jiang, you are wicked. How can you devise such a vicious trap to go against heaven’s will? Nevermind your skills; you might not be able to dodge the calamity hanging over your head!”

Zhao Jiang became furious and raised his sword and made straight for Ju Liusun, who countered with his own sword. After a few exchanges, Zhao Jiang once again fell back into his formation. Like Wenshu before him, Ju Liusun hesitated at the entrance to the formation, but was compelled to press on by the bells from his own lines. 

As he entered, he saw Zhao Jiang summoning the powers of the formation once again. Knowing what was coming, Ju Liusun quickly opened his own skull, and magic clouds gushed out to protect his head and body. Next, he unleashed his own magical weapon, the Celestial Binding Rope. It flew into the air, and he summoned a divine bodyguard and told him to tie up Zhao Jiang and take him back to the reed pavilion where the Chan Daoists were headquartered. The next thing you knew, the divine bodyguard was throwing Zhao Jiang to the floor of the reed pavilion with such force that it made him cough up fire. And so, the Earthly Fury formation was now broken as well.

This once again infuriated Grand Tutor Wen Zhong, and he again roared from atop his Black Qilin as he tried to chase down Ju Liusun. But Ju Liusun’s fellow Chan Daoist Jade Tripod called out, “Brother Wen, there’s no call for sinking to this level. We were commanded by our sect’s leader to come here and dirty ourselves with the affairs of the mortal realm. We came to break your 10 formations. We’ve only broken two of them so far. There are still eight more. We had agreed to test our magic against each other, not our brawn, so there’s no need to get worked up. That’s not the act of an enlightened Daoist.”

That reproach left Wen Zhong speechless, and Burning Lamp now told him, “You should go on back for now.” So Wen Zhong retreated back into his camp and invited his eight remaining Daoist friends to discuss what to do.

“Two of our formations have been broken, and two of our friends have been lost,” Wen Zhong said to them. “I can’t bear it.”

One of his Daoist friends, Dong (3) Quan (2), said, “It’s all preordained. At this point, it’s not like we can just pack it up. Just watch my Roaring Typhoon formation secure our success.”

Meanwhile, on the Zhou side, Ju Liusun brought his prisoner, Zhao Jiang, to see Master Burning Lamp back at the reed pavilion. Burning Lamp ordered that Zhao Jiang be suspended from the pavilion ceiling for the time being. Everyone then asked Burning Lamp how he plans to defeat the Roaring Typhoon formation tomorrow.

“It’s impossible,” he said. “This formation does not use ordinary winds. Its winds are summoned from the earth, water, and fire elements. When they start blowing, they contain tens of thousands of blades. There’s no way to withstand it. We must get the Wind Quelling Pearl to stop the winds. Only then can the formation be broken.”

“Where can we get that pearl?” everyone asked.

The Daoist Master Spiritual Treasure now spoke up, “My friend, the Woe Evading Sage of the Cloud Light Cave on Mount Nine Tripods and Iron Forks, has the pearl. Let me write him a letter, and he’ll lend it to us. Jiang Ziya should dispatch a civil official and a military officer to deliver the letter and fetch the pearl, and the Roaring Typhoon formation will be breakable.”

So Jiang Ziya immediately dispatched the official San (4) Yisheng (2,1) and the general Chao (2) Tian (2) to Cloud Light Cave. The two traveled along the main thoroughfare for a few days, crossed over the Yellow River, and traveled a few more days before reaching the Nine Tripods and Iron Forks Mountain. It was an imposing and hard-to-traverse mountain, with jagged peaks that shot toward the heavens, strange rocks that resembled seated tigers, and ancient pine trees that twisted like flying dragons. You could hear the sweet song of birds from the crags and the roar of hungry tigers from the valleys. 

San Yisheng and Chao Tian found the cave and were greeted by a young acolyte. They introduced themselves and asked for an audience with Woe Evading Sage. San Yisheng was invited in momentarily and presented the letter. 

Woe Evading Sage read the letter and said to him, “Sir, you have come to borrow my Wind Quelling Pearl. It was preordained that all these Daoist sages would gather to break the 10 formations, and so I cannot refuse my part in it. Besides, I owe it to my Daoist brother Spiritual Treasure. But just be careful on the way; don’t lose it.”

He then gave San Yisheng the pearl. San Yisheng thanked him and then descended the mountain with Chao Tian. They rushed back toward Western Qi. But when they reached the Yellow River, they traveled its shores for two days without seeing any boats to take them across.

“There were boats here when we came this way a couple days ago; where did they all go?” San Yisheng lamented to Chao Tian. 

As they spoke, they saw another traveler ahead, and Chao Tian asked him why all the boats had disappeared. He told them, “Sirs, you haven’t heard? Two superstrong villains appeared in the last couple days and chased away all the ferrymen. They alone manage a ferry crossing about a mile from here. Anyone who wants to cross has to pay them extra to use their ferry. No one dares to argue with them, and so they can charge whatever they want.”

“How strange that such things should happen in a matter of days,” San Yisheng said when he heard this account. He and Chao Tian now rode toward the ferry crossing. There, they indeed saw two stout men. They didn’t even bother with rowing a boat. Instead, they just used ropes to pull wooden rafts across the river. 

San Yisheng was taken aback and said, “They are indeed strong, and fast, too.”

He now rode forward with Chao Tian to ask to cross. When they got closer, Chao Tian suddenly went, hey, I know those guys. They are, or were, friends from work!

“General Fang (1)!” he called out to the two men.

“Oh, brother Chao, it’s you!” one of the two men replied. “Where are you coming from? Where are you going?”

So, as it turns out, these two ferry monopolists were none other than Fang (1) Bi (4) and Fang (1) Xiang (4), brothers who were former captains of the guard at the Shang court. Back in episode 8, when King Zhou was on his queen-torturing, princes-executing rampage, the Fang brothers couldn’t bear to see the two young princes suffer their father’s wrath, so they rebelled and carried the princes out of the capital. Of course, they kind of left the job half-done at that point, leaving the princes to their own devices and heading their separate ways. And those separate ways have apparently led them to being bullies in the Yellow River ferry trade and today’s reunion with Chao Tian, who was their colleague in the Shang court.

After they caught up, Chao Tian asked the Fang brothers for a lift, which the brothers promptly provided. Once they got to the other side, Fang Bi, the elder brother, asked Chao Tian what was going on. Chao Tian told them that he and San Yisheng were on their way back with the Wind-Quelling Pearl. 

Fang Bi said, “But San Yisheng is an official of Western Qi. You are an official of the Shang. Why are you traveling with him?”

“King Zhou (4) has lost his way,” Chao Tian said. “I have joined the Martial King. Right now, Grand Tutor Wen is attacking Western Qi and has laid down 10 deadly formations. We went to borrow the Wind-Quelling Pearl to help break the Roaring Typhoon formation. What good luck it is that we ran into you.”

“Ah, Minister San (4), what is this pearl? May we steal a glance?” Fang Bi asked.

Seeing that they and Chao Tian know each other, San Yisheng quickly took out the pearl and showed it to Fang Bi. Fang Bi, though, immediately snatched it out of his hand and stashed it into his shirt pocket, saying, “This will serve as your fare.”

So, the moment Chao Tian spilled the beans about their mission, Fang Bi was thinking to himself, “We had rebelled against the Shang and offended King Zhou (4), and have been drifting around ever since. Won’t it be great if we can seize this pearl and present it to him to atone for our transgression and get our old ranks back?”

And so, the Fang brothers resorted to some straight-up robbery and walked off toward the South with the pearl. Given how strong they were, Chao Tian did not dare to try to stop them. San Yisheng, meanwhile, was scared out of his mind and wailed, “We had traveled all this way to get that pearl, and now they have taken it in an instant. What should we do?! How can we face Prime Minister Jiang and the others?!”

As he cried, San Yisheng was about to throw himself into the Yellow River, but Chao Tian grabbed a hold of him and said, “Minister, don’t be so rash. It doesn’t matter whether we live or die, but Prime Minister Jiang ordered us to fetch that pearl at once. Now it’s been taken. If we just die here, Prime Minister won’t know what happened, and it will cause trouble for the country. That’s disloyal. Besides, we were also unwise to be thusly robbed. We must go see the prime minister and report this, so that he can make other plans. I would rather die under the executioner’s blade than to shoulder the crimes of being both unwise AND disloyal. If we die without reporting this first, it will cause even more trouble and add to our offense.”

San Yisheng lamented the dire situation they found themselves in, but they had no choice but to get on their horses and rush back toward Western Qi. After just five miles, they came across a grain convoy, and this was led by Flying Tiger. When they saw him, San Yisheng and Chao Tian quickly rode over. San Yisheng kneeled and wept. Flying Tiger hurriedly paid his respects and asked what was going on. 

San Yisheng recounted their mishap, and Flying Tiger asked, “When did you get robbed?”

“Just now. They couldn’t have gone far,” San Yisheng said.

“It’ll be alright; I’ll go get it back for you. Just wait for me here,” Flying Tiger reassured them.

He then hopped on his magic cow and sped off. Before long, he saw the two Fang brothers strolling casually down the road up ahead.

“Fang Bi, Fang Xiang, wait!” Flying Tiger shouted.

Now, remember that when the Fang brothers rebelled and fled the capital with the princes, Flying Tiger was the one sent to chase them down, which he did, but then he took pity on the princes and decided to let all of them go. So the Fang brothers owed him, big time. When they saw that it was him catching up from behind, they quickly kneeled by the side of the road and asked him where he was going.

“Why did you steal San Yisheng’s Wind-Quelling Pearl?” Flying Tiger roared.

“Uh, he gave it to us as fare for the ferry,” Fang Bi said. “We didn’t steal it.”

Uh, nice try buddy. Flying Tiger now demanded the pearl back, which Fang Xiang offered up with both hands. Flying Tiger took it and then asked, “What have you all been up to these years?”

Fang Bi replied, “After we parted ways, the two of us have been scrounging a living as ferrymen. We’ve had a rough go of it.”

Flying Tiger told them, “I have abandoned the Shang and joined the Zhou. The Martial King is a sage lord, as benevolent and virtuous as the ancient sage kings. He already possesses two-thirds of the realm. Grand Tutor Wen has been attacking Western Qi time and again without success. Since you have nowhere to go, why not come with me and serve the Martial King. You would earn a rank of nobility. Otherwise, you would be wasting your talents.”

“My lord, if you are willing to elevate us, you would be giving me and my brother a new lease on life,” Fang Bi said. “Of course we will do it.”

“In that case, come with me,” Flying Tiger told them. So the three now rode back together and soon met up with the rest of the party. Chao Tian and San Yisheng were greatly alarmed to see the Fang brothers come back, but Flying Tiger handed San Yisheng the pearl and said, “You two go on ahead; I will follow with the Fang brothers.”

So San Yisheng and Chao Tian rushed back to the reed pavilion in Western Qi and went to see Jiang Ziya. San Yisheng presented the pearl and recounted their little misadventure along the way, which promptly earned him a frankly well-deserved tongue-lashing before being dismissed. Jiang Ziya then brought the pearl to Master Burning Lamp.

The next day, Burning Lamp and the other Chan Doaists went out for another faceoff against their foes. On the other side, Grand Tutor Wen again rode out to his camp gates to watch how the enemy will fare against the Roaring Typhoon formation. The Jie (2) sect Daoist Dong (3) Quan (2), who laid out the formation, rode out on his deer, wielding two swords, and taunted the enemy, daring them to attack his creation.

Burning Lamp looked around him but saw no one fit for this first crack at the formation. But just then, Flying Tiger arrived with the Fang brothers and introduced them to Jiang Ziya, explaining, “While I was overseeing the grain convoy, I recruited these two officers. They are the brothers Fang Bi and Fang Xiang, former captains of the guard at the royal court for King Zhou (4).”

Jiang Ziya was delighted and welcomed them. A moment later, Burning Lamp noticed the two new stout faces in the ranks and asked who they were. Jiang Ziya introduced them, and Burning Lamp said, “It’s all preordained. Fang Bi, you may go attack the Roaring Typhoon formation.”

Fang Bi was quite eager to prove himself, so he promptly accepted the order and marched out with halberd in hand. Now, I can imagine everyone else side-eyeing Burning Lamp and thinking, “Uh, dude, what are you doing? These formations were designed to kill gods and immortals, and you are sending a mere flesh-and-blood meat puppet out there? Why don’t you put him in a red shirt while you’re at it?”

On the front lines, the Jie Daoist Dong Quan was still daring his foes to come try their luck in his formation when he saw this tall, fierce looking man with a face like a date and a long beard stomp out. Fang Bi yelled, “Come here, you sorcerer!” and stabbed at him with his halberd. Now, Dong Quan was no match for Fang Bi when it came to trading blows with weapons, so after just one exchange, he fell back into his formation. Jiang Ziya now ordered his men to beat the war drums to spur Fang Bi to give chase, and Fang Bi, being the good soldier, promptly did.

As soon as he set foot inside the Roaring Typhoon formation, however, he quickly found himself enveloped by ill winds as Dong Quan waved a black pennant from his terrace inside the formation. As the winds swirled, they brought with them tens of thousands of sharp blades. Fang Bi was instantly cut to pieces.

Dong Quan now ordered his soldiers to drag the pieces of Fang Bi out of the formation and to the front line. He then rode out to the front as well and shouted, “Hey, my Daoist friends from the Chan sect! How can you live with yourself, sending a mere mortal to his death like this? If you are indeed Daoist masters, then come test my formation yourselves!”

You know, I have to agree with Dong Quan on this one. After the first two formations, it was abundantly clear that sending anyone other than one of the senior Daoists into the formations would be a pointless suicide mission, so why even bother with it? In any case, Burning Lamp now told a member of the class of 12, Immortal of Merciful Navigation, “Take the Wind-Quelling Pearl and go break the Roaring Typhoon formation.”

Merciful Navigation went out as commanded and said to Dong Quan, “My Daoist friend, we were destined to break the prohibition on killing. You all have the most carefree life, so why put on such a formation and seek your own demise?! Did you not remember your own master’s warning that was posted on his palace gates? It said, ‘Shut your cave doors and read your Daoist texts; if you taint Western soil, you will meet with calamity!”

But Dong Quan shot back, “We are here because your sect thinks your magic is so exquisite and frequently looks down on us. My Daoist friend, you are one who enjoys his leisure. Go on back and send someone else. Don’t plague yourself with this trouble!”

“You should be worrying about yourself instead of me,” Merciful Navigation retorted. 

That ticked off Dong Quan, and he raised his sword to attack. Merciful Navigation countered with his own sword. After a few exchanges, Dong Quan again retreated into his formation, and Merciful Navigation chased him to the entrance before being compelled to press on by the bells from his own lines. God, I swear, they are really pushy on that side of the lines.

When Merciful Navigation entered the formation, Dong Quan again waved his black pennant and summoned his evil winds. But Merciful Navigation placed the Wind-Quelling Pearl on his head, and the winds swirled harmlessly around him. Thus protected, Merciful Navigation now tossed his magical vase into the air and commanded his divine bodyguard to turn it upside down. As the mouth of the vase pointed toward the ground, a gust of black smoke shot out of it, and in an instant, Dong Quan was sucked into the vase. The divine bodyguard put the stopper on the vase and brought it out of the formation. 

Merciful Navigation now emerged from the formation and shouted to Grand Tutor Wen, “I have broken your Roaring Typhoon formation.”

As he spoke, he commanded his bodyguard to open the vase and pour out its contents. The only things that came out were Dong Quan’s clothes and the puddle of goo that his body had been reduced to.

As if determined to make things as repetitive as they can possibly be, Wen Zhong again roared in anger and charged out looking for a fight. But once again, he was rebuked by someone on the other side. This time, it was Yellow Dragon Immortal who gave him the tsk-tsk and reminded him that they still had seven more formations to go.

Just then, Yuan (2) Jiao (3), another of the Jie Daoists, shouted from the Frigid Ice formation, “Grand Tutor, no need to be so eager. Let me handle it!”

So Wen Zhong restrained himself while Yuan Jiao did his taunting and challenged someone to attack his formation. Master Burning Lamp now said to the junior Daoist Xue (1) the Vicious Tiger, “You go and break the Frigid Ice formation.”

If I were Vicious Tiger, this is where I’d call in sick because by my count, I’m not a member of the illustrious 12 who seem like the only ones powerful enough to survive these formations. But Vicious Tiger promptly strode out with sword in hand. When Yuan Jiao saw that it was a young Padawan, he said, “Young acolyte, you go on back. Tell your master to come.”

But Vicious Tiger roared angrily, “Since I have come on an order, how can I turn back without your head?!” He then raised his sword and attacked. Yuan Jiao was irritated and raised his sword to counter. After a few bouts, Yuan Jiao retreated into his formation, and yeah you know where this is going. Vicious Tiger followed him in, Yuan Jiao waved a pennant around, and the next thing you know, Vicious Tiger found himself as the very squished cheese in a giant ice sandwich as he was crushed between huge blocks of ice from above and below.

Yuan Jiao now went back outside and shouted across the lines, “Hey you from the class of 12! You are all elite Daoists. Which one of you will come attack my formation? Stop sending these hacks to throw away their lives.”

Again, gotta say I agree with the villain here. As if following a script, Burning Lamp now sent out another member of the class of 12, Immortal Universal Virtue. He and Yuan Jiao exchanged the typical back-and-forth about, “No, YOU go home to your carefree life” before coming to blows. Yuan Jiao again retreated into his formation, and Immortal Universal Virtue followed him. When the giant ice mountain started coming down from above, however, Immortal Universal Virtue shot out a thread-like beam of white light from his finger, and from this beam a huge colorful cloud emerged. It had eight corners, and from each corner hung a golden lamp and strings of pearls. This cloud protected Immortal Universal Virtue, and as its lights shined, the ice began to melt. Within a couple hours, the ice had all melted.

Seeing his formation broken, Yuan Jiao tried to flee, but now, Immortal Universal Virtue unleashed his magic sword, and it sailed through the air and cut down Yuan Jiao. Immortal Universal Virtue now packed away his cloud and casually floated out of the formation, much to Grand Tutor’s chagrin.

Just then, Mother Golden Light rode out on her spotted leopard with sword in hand and challenged someone to try their luck with her Golden Light formation. Burning Lamp looked around for someone of … umm … appropriate stature to be cannon fodder … I mean … vanguard, but saw none. But just then, a Daoist descended from the sky, with a powder-white face and ruby-red lips. This was Xiao (1) Zhen (1), another disciple from the Chan sect’s Jade Emptiness Palace on Kunlun Mountain. He bowed to his fellow Daoists and said, “I have come on our master’s command specifically to break the Golden Light formation.”

Just then, Mother Golden Light was once again taunting the opposition, and Xiao Zhen turned and shouted back, “I’m coming!”

While everyone on his side was thinking, “Ok, go for it. It’s your funeral, literally,” Xiao Zhen walked out to face Mother Golden Light. She didn’t recognize him and asked who he was. He laughed at her ignorance and introduced himself, at which point, she was like, “Uh yeah, so … what skills do you have that you dare to come attack my formation?”

They then exchanged the customary three or four blows with the sword, and Mother Golden Light retreated into her formation. Xiao Zhen followed her in and saw that he was surrounded by 21 tall poles. On each one was suspended a mirror, and each mirror was veiled by a cover. Mother Golden Light now pulled on the ropes attached to the covers, and the mirrors became unveiled. Thunder started to roar, and every mirror started to spin and emitted a beam of golden light aimed at Xiao Zhen. He let out a painful cry and was instantly vaporized. So uh, cool, they have lasers.

Now, if I were Mother Golden Light, this is where I would just quit while I’m ahead. But of course, she went back outside and taunted the opposition. So Burning Lamp now sent one of the illustrious 12, Master Grand Completion, to handle this. When she saw him, Mother Golden Light shouted, “Grand Completion, you dare to attack my formation?”

“What’s so hard about it? It’s like a game for me!” he shot back.

That infuriated Mother Golden Light, and they went at each other. To see how this will turn out, well, actually you pretty much know how this will turn out. But tune in anyway to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!

Music in This Episode

• “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
• “Day of Recon” by Max Surla/Media Right Productions (from YouTube audio library)
• “Slow Times Over Here” by Midnight North (from YouTube audio library)
• “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library) 
• “The Quiet Aftermath by Sir Cubworth (from YouTube audio library)