Gods 010: T.G.I.F.

The ministers at the Shang court wrap up a rather intense work week, and King Zhou is still just getting started.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 10 of Investiture of the Gods. 

Last time, the two princes tried to flee, but were soon found and brought back to the capital to face execution. But before the henchies could do their work, a wild wind swept in, and the princes disappeared in the chaos. Before anyone could figure out what happened, the former prime minister Shang Rong showed up, ready to make a scene and tell the king about all the ways in which he had screwed up. After giving the king another mini-lecture on everything he did wrong, Shang Rong presented a petition, which said:

“From your servant Shang Rong: Regarding the worsening state of the court, the neglect of rites and law, and the endangerment of the state …”

Well, I could go on, but when the petition starts off like that, you can imagine how the rest of it goes. Suffice it to say, it was more long-winded nagging the king did not need, and King Zhou was REALLY not in the mood for this crap on this particular day. I mean, the guy had a rough day. He didn’t even get to kill his sons.

When he finished reading the petition, King Zhou flew into a rage, tore it to shreds, and shouted to the guards, “Take this old scoundrel outside the palace gate and crush his head with a mallet!”

The guards approached Shang Rong, but he stood straight up and shouted, “Who dares to lay a finger on me?! I have served three generations of kings, and was entrusted by the former king on his deathbed to watch over his son!”

He then pointed at King Zhou and cursed, “You degenerate! You indulge in women and wine and corrupt the affairs of state. You have forgotten that your ancestors were blessed with heaven’s favor because of their diligent and virtuous conduct. You disrespect heaven and forsake your ancestors’ laws. You will bring humiliation upon them with your imminent death and the fall of the country. The queen was your wife, mother to the country. She had not lost her virtue. And yet, because of Daji, you subjected her to torture and a cruel death. You have severed the tie between husband and wife. The princes were innocent, and yet you listened to slander and tried to execute them, and now they have been swept away. You have severed the tie between father and son. You ignore loyal advice and execute good officials, burning them to ashes. You have severed the tie between lord and ministers. Disaster is near. Soon, your ancestral temple will fall, and your dynasty will belong to another. Pity that the grand enterprise and glory of your ancestors will end in the hands of a tyrant like you! When you reach the underworld, how can you face your father?!”

Smacking his desk, King Zhou shouted, “Hurry up and crush his head!”

But Shang Rong shouted back, “I am not afraid of death! May our former king hear me: I have failed the country and could not save our king. I am ashamed to see you! As for you, tyrant, your kingdom will soon belong to another!”

As he finished those words, Shang Rong turned and ran head first into one of the stone columns in the Grand Hall. In the blink of an eye, this 75-year-old minister was dead on the floor, lying in a puddle of blood and brain.

Seeing the former prime minister commit suicide, all the court officials were stunned and looked at each other in terror. King Zhou, however, was fuming. He told the guards, “Throw this old scoundrel’s corpse outside the city. Do not allow him to be buried!”

Just as the guards were tending to their grisly business, another official piped up. This was the minister Zhao (4) Qi (2), who had torn up the king’s execution order for the princes earlier that day, so he was already pissed off. When he saw Shang Rong commit suicide, he couldn’t take it anymore. He stepped forth and shouted, “I dare not disappoint our former king. Today, I will die in this hall to repay the state. I would be content to accompany Prime Minister Shang in his tour of the underworld.”

He then pointed at King Zhou and cursed, “You damn tyrant! You have killed your top minister, rejected your loyal officials, and lost the trust of your vassals. You favor Daji, listen to slander, and endanger the realm. I am going to recount all your wicked deeds …”

Ok. You can fill in the rest. It’s not like we haven’t heard this repeated a hundred times already. King Zhou certainly felt like he had, and he now smacked his desk, gritted his teeth, and cursed, “How dare you disrespect your king?! Guards, tie him to the burning pillar!”

Zhao Qi went kicking and screaming, getting in a few more last zingers while the guards heated up the burning pillar. Now, I can only imagine how long it would take to heat up a giant bronze pillar to the point where it can scald flesh. So that must have made for an extra awkward stretch while everyone waited, and waited, and waited, while Zhao Qi kept cursing and the king kept asking if the pillar was hot enough yet to shut him up. Unless, of course, the king just kept that pillar burning hot day and night in case he was in the mood to roast a few ministers at any second. Given this king’s disposition, I would not put it past him.

In any case, when the pillar was finally hot enough, the guards stripped Zhao Qi of his clothes, and chained him to the pillar. Within moments, the hall was filled with the pungent smell of burning flesh, and Zhao Qi was soon reduced to ashes. All the officials had to avert their gaze from this horrible sight. Only now did King Zhou stomp off, leaving in his wake a hall full of officials trembling in terror.

So … wow, that was a rather intense work week, wasn’t it? There had been an attempt on the king’s life, for which the queen was framed and subsequently tortured to death. The princes then killed the assassin in a fit of rage and chased off the king’s envoys, which then led to the princes becoming fugitives and one of the king’s concubines taking her own life for having given them safe harbor for a few hours. And then the captains of the guard at court rebelled and carried the princes out of the city, only to have the princes be caught and brought back a couple days later for execution, only to have them be blown away by some wild wind. And before you could even catch your breath, you had the former prime minister getting into a shouting match with the king and splattering his brains all over the court. And to top it all off, the king then got into another shouting match with another minister and ended up roasting that guy alive. Whew! T.G.I.F.

So before we go on, let’s back up a bit and talk about exactly what happened to the two princes. As they were tied up at the palace gate awaiting their execution, their plight came to the attention of two passing Daoist priests. These two were immortals. One was named Pure Essence, who lived in the Exalted Cloud Cave on Mount Taihua (4,2). The other was named Grand Completion, who lived in the Peach Spring Cave on the Nine Immortal Mountain. Being immortals, they had a lot of free time on their hands, so they were just touring all the great mountains. 

That day, they happened to be riding the clouds and passing over the capital when they saw red light emanating from the two princes below. They peeked through the clouds and saw what was happening.

Grand Completion said to Pure Essence, “Brother, spoiler spoiler spoiler, which I will skip so we don’t give away the ending a tenth of the way into the story like the novel does. Anyway, look at those two men tied up down there. They have red light emanating from them. They are not destined to die yet. They will surely become more spoiler spoiler spoiler. Since we are Daoists, we must act with compassion at all times. Let’s save them. You take one of them back to your cave, and I will take the other back to mine. Then, when more spoiler spoiler spoiler, we would be killing two birds with one stone.”

“Sounds good,” Pure Essence said. “We must not delay.”

So Grand Completion muttered a spell, summoned a divine warrior and told him, “Go bring those two princes back to our mountains.”

The divine warrior proceeded to whip up a little divine wind, make a lot of noise, and before anyone could open their eyes amid the flying sand and pebbles, he swooped in and made off with the princes. And that’s the last we’ll see of them for a while, but we will get back to them at some point.

Now then, let’s go back to the palace. King Zhou returned to Daji’s residence. She welcomed him and they sat down together on the bed. He told her, “Shang Rong killed himself today, and then I burned Zhao Qi alive. Those two scoundrels cursed me nonstop. Even their fates did not deter the officials. We must think of some other way to deal with these stubborn fools.”

“Let me think about it,” Daji told him.

“My love, your ascension to queen is a done deal, and no one at court will dare to object,” King Zhou said. “But I worry that Jiang (1) Huanchu (2,3), the Grand Duke of the East, will lead his army in rebellion when he hears about his daughter’s death. He might form an alliance with other vassals and attack the capital. Grand Tutor Wen (2) is still on campaign in the North Sea District. What should we do?”

“Oh I am but a woman, so my insights are limited,” Daji said, stroking the male ego. “Your majesty should discuss this with Fei (4) Zhong (4). He will definitely have a great idea to ensure peace.”

So in case you forgot, Fei Zhong was the sycophant who was one of King Zhou’s favorites, and the one who helped Daji concoct the scheme to frame the queen for the attempt on the king’s life. The assassin, in fact, was his servant. When he was summoned, Fei Zhong came right away, and King Zhou said, “Queen Jiang is dead. I worry that when her father hears the news, he will rebel and the East will fall into unrest. Do you have an idea to ensure peace?”

Fei Zhong kneeled and said, “Queen Jiang is dead, the princes are missing, Shang Rong killed himself, Zhao Qi has been roasted alive, and the officials are all grumbling. I worry that word will leak out and spur Jiang Huanchu (2,3) to march on the capital and cause trouble. Why don’t your majesty secretly issue four decrees, summoning the four grand dukes to the capital, and execute them to root out all trouble? When the other 800 vassals hear that the grand dukes are dead, they would be like dragons without heads and tigers without teeth. They would not dare to step out of line, and peace will be assured. What do you think?”

King Zhou was delighted. “You are truly a rare talent,” he praised Fei Zhong. “You really do possess strategies to defend the realm. No wonder the new queen recommended you.”

So Fei Zhong took his leave, and King Zhou issued four secret decrees to summon the four grand dukes to the capital.

Let’s follow the envoy who was tasked with delivering the message to Ji (1) Chang (1), the Grand Duke of the West. Ji Chang’s territory lay in the Western Qi (2) Mountains. The envoy made his way to Ji Chang’s capital, and as he entered, he saw how peaceful and prosperous the city was. All was  harmonious, and all the people yielded to each other as they passed. 

The envoy sighed and said, “I had heard that Ji Chang was compassionate and virtuous. Looks like it’s all true. Look at how harmonious this city is. It’s like life back in the Golden Age.”

Yeah I know. A place in China where pedestrians don’t cut each other off and shove and push in line? Truly this was heaven on earth!

The envoy went to the guest house for the night. The next day, Ji Chang was holding court to discuss the affairs of state when his attendant reported that a royal edict had arrived. Ji Chang led his officials out to receive the edict. They escorted the envoy into the main hall, and the envoy read the decree, which said:

“The North Sea District is experiencing a great disturbance, causing the people to suffer greatly. The ministers are at a loss over what to do. I summon the four grand dukes to the capital to discuss this matter and see a better way to suppress the rebellion. By this decree, I request the Grand Duke of the West to start his journey at once. There must be no delay. When the mission is successfully completed, each grand duke shall be rewarded with land and title. I am a man of my words. Thus it is decided.”

Ji Chang received the edict and set up a banquet to welcome the envoy. The next day, he prepared a gift of gold and silver for the envoy and told the envoy that he would be leaving right away.

Once the envoy departed, Ji Chang started giving his ministers instructions on holding down the fort while he’s gone. But this was no temporary assignment. He summoned his eldest son, the eldest of 99 sons by the way, and told him, “Yesterday I was summoned to the capital by the king. I cast a divination. It predicted that my trip will be perilous, but not deadly. I am destined for seven years of suffering. You will remain here. You must follow the laws and not change the policies of the state. Keep everything as is. You must get along with your brothers and with the ministers. You must not act in your own self interest. Turn to your elders for advice in all things. As for our people, give money to those who are single so that they can marry. Distribute a monthly grain allowance to orphans, widows, and widowers. After I have fulfilled my seven years of hardship, I will return. Until then, do NOT send anyone to come get me. This is very important. Do not forget it!”

Upon hearing this, the eldest son, whose name was Bo (2) Yikao (4,3), kneeled and said, “Father, since you are in for seven years of suffering, let me go in your stead. You must not go in person.”

But Ji Chang refused, telling him, “A wise man naturally tries to keep out of harms’ way. But heaven has willed it thus; I cannot escape it, or it will cause even more trouble. Do as I say, and you will be acting as a most filial son. There is no need to take my place.”

Ji Chang then went to the inner palace to see his mother, who told him, “My son, I cast a divination for you and it said you will be in for seven years of suffering.”

Ji Chang kneeled and replied, “After receiving the king’s summon today, I also cast a divination and learned that I am in for seven years of misfortunes, but I won’t lose my life. I have asked my officials and my eldest son to watch over the affairs of state. I have come to bid you goodbye. I will set off for the capital tomorrow.”

“Be careful in all things,” his mother told him. “Do not act rashly.”

Ji Chang promised to remember his mother’s instructions. He then went to take leave of his queen as well. By the way, in case you’re wondering, no she did not bear all 99 of Ji Chang’s sons. He had 24 concubines, so you know, it was a total team effort.

The next day, Ji Chang set off for the capital with an entourage of 50 men. All the court officials and his two eldest sons led his army and the civilians to see him off at the pavilion outside the city. There, they held a banquet and offered him many a toast. Ji Chang told them, “I take my leave of you all today. We shall meet again in seven years.”

He then pointed at his eldest son and said, “My son, as long as you and your brothers get along peacefully, I will have no cause for concern.”

After a few more cups, Ji Chang got on his horse and bid his subjects a teary goodbye. He and his traveling party then set off for the capital. 

One day, they were approaching Mount Yan (1) when Ji Chang suddenly said, “Tell the men to look around for some woods or buildings for shelter. There will be a huge storm momentarily.”

Hsi attendants looked up and were like, what? The sky is clear, there’s not a single cloud, and the sun is shining brightly. What rain is he talking about …

Just then, clouds suddenly gathered from seemingly nowhere. Ji Chang spurred on his horse and told his entourage to go into a nearby forest to seek shelter. They had barely entered the woods when a downpour began. It rained hard for a good hour. And then, Ji Chang told his men, “Brace yourselves. Thunder is coming!”

His men had barely spread the word of the prediction when a loud thunder cracked across the heavens, shaking the earth as if a mountain had fallen. It was so loud that everyone turned pale and huddled together. 

A while later, the rain stopped and the clouds dissipated, and the sun reemerged. Only now did the men come out of the forest. Soaking wet, Ji Chang said from his saddle, “When thunder is accompanied by a glowing light, it marks the appearance of the star of a great warrior. Men, go find me this star!”

Uhh, dude, glowing light accompanying thunder is called lightning, and it’s a perfectly normal meteorological phenomen … oh right, this is a gods-and-demons novel. Nevermind. Alright, let’s humor the boss and go look around for a … umm … warrior star.

The men poked around for a while, and suddenly, by the side of an ancient tomb, they heard the cries of a baby. They walked over and indeed saw an infant.

“How did this baby end up next to this grave?” the men wondered. They figured this must be the warrior star, so they brought the infant over to Ji Chang. Ji Chang held the baby in his arms and saw that the child had a face like a peach blossom and eyes that shined brightly. He was delighted and thought to himself, “I should have 100 sons. I only have 99 so far. If I adopt this child, then he would make 100. This is perfect!”

So he decided that he was going to adopt this child. And his first official act was to promptly leave his new son in the care of another. He told his men, “Find a family in a village up ahead to look after him. When I return after seven years, I will bring him back to my kingdom with me. He is destined for great things.”

And then, he and his men continued on ahead, with his new son in tow. After they got off Mount Yan (1), they soon came across a Daoist priest with delicate features and an unusual air. The priest bowed to Ji Chang to pay his respects. Ji Chang quickly dismounted to return the courtesy and asked the priest for his name.

“I am Master of the Clouds, and I reside on the Southernmost Mountain,” the priest replied. And remember that this was the guy who tried to give King Zhou the wooden sword that would have rid him of the fox demon that inhabited Daji’s body, only to be foiled when the king burned the sword. 

Master of the Clouds now continued, “Just now, it rained and thunder clapped, and a warrior star appeared. So I rushed here from a great distance away to search for the warrior star. It is my fortune to meet you.”

Ji Chang ordered his men to bring forth the baby he found. Master of the Clouds took the infant in his arms and said, “Warrior star, why did you take so long to appear?!” He then turned to Ji Chang and said, “My lord, let me take this child back to my mountain. He can be one of my disciples. When you are returning this way, I shall present him to you. What do you think?”

Send my new baby son off with a strange priest I just met? Ji Chang didn’t even have to think about it. He was all like, boy, go with the man. But, he did have one question.

“I don’t mind you taking him,” he said to the priest, “but when I meet him again, by what name should I call him?”

The priest said, “He appeared with the thunder, so let’s call him Thunderbolt.”

Ji Chang agreed that this would be an awesome superhero name. So Master of the Clouds took baby Thunderbolt and returned to his mountain. 

Well, that was a helluva morning. What other adventures will Ji Chang run into this day? Well, as it turns out, none. The rest of the journey was very uneventful by comparison. After some more days of travel, Ji Chang arrived in the capital and went to the guest house, where the other three grand dukes were already waiting. These were Hou (2) Chenghu (2,3), the Grand Duke of the North, he of the failed campaign against Daji’s father at the beginning of the novel; Jiang (1) Huanchu (2,3), the Grand Duke of the East and, unbeknownst to him, the father of the now dead and deposed Queen Jiang; and E (4) Chongyu (2,3), the Grand Duke of the South.

The other three grand dukes were drinking when Ji Chang arrived, so they greeted him and asked him to join them. As they drank, Ji Chang asked, “Do you all know why his majesty has summoned all of us here? He has plenty of talented officers and officials, like Flying Tiger and Bi Gan. Why would he need to summon the four of us?”

Nobody had any clue, so they kept drinking. After a few more rounds, E (4) Chongyu (2,3), the Grand Duke of the South, was starting to buzz. Now, he had known that the Grand Duke of the North, Chong (2) Houhu (2,3), was in league with the sycophants at court and had been wasting resources and leeching money from the common people. Now, with his inhibitions loosened by the wine, E (4) Chongyu (2,3) decided to give his counterpart a piece of his mind.

He turned to the other two grand dukes and said, “I have something I must say to Chong Houhu.”

Chong Houhu smiled and replied, “What is it? I would love to hear it.”

E Chongyu said, “We four are the leaders of all the vassals of the land. I have heard that you have been committing many wicked deeds unbefitting a top minister. You have been leeching wealth from your people and associating with the sycophants Fei (4) Zhong (4) and You (2) Hun (2). You have been put in charge of overseeing the construction of the Star-Picking Pavilion, yet I have heard that you have been embezzling funds and accepting bribes. Those who can afford to bribe you are allowed to stay home, while those who cannot afford to bribe you are worked to death. You are corrupt and greedy, and make the people suffer. You are as greedy as a wolf and as ferocious as a tiger. No one in the capital dares to look at you straight, but they all gnash their teeth at you and hold a grudge against you. As the old saying goes, ‘Calamity arises from accumulated vices; blessings arise from acts of benevolence.’ You should change your ways from now on!”

That little lecture riled up Chong Houhu. He barked, “How dare you speak such nonsense! You and I are of the same rank. Why are you showing me up at a feast like this?! Who do you think you are, that you dare to slander me to my face?!”

Now, Chong Houhu figured that at least some of the people present are in the service of the two sycophant court officials that he’s been hanging out with, so he figured he had backup if things came to blows. And he tried to make sure things would to blows, as he stood up and tried to go at E Chongyu. 

But the other two grand dukes broke them up, and Ji Chang admonished Chong Houhu, telling him, “E Chongyu is giving you good advice. Why are  you reacting so cruelly? Are you going to beat him in front of us? He only said what he said out of genuine concern for you. If what he said is true, then you should reflect on your faults and change your ways. If it’s not true, then just make sure you never do those things. Every word he said is golden advice. Yet, instead of reproaching yourself, you’re blaming him. That is not right at all.”

Thus rebuked, Chong Houhu did not dare to go at E Chongyu anymore. Unfortunately for him, the same could not be said for his counterpart. E Chongyu suddenly smacked him across the face with a wine bottle. Chong Houhu now again made for E Chongyu, only to be separated by the Grand Duke of the East, who shouted, “It is completely inappropriate for top officials to scuffle like this! Chong Houhu, it’s late. Go to bed!”

Seeing that the rest of the party were all against him, Chong Houhu swallowed his anger and went off to bed. The other three grand dukes then resumed their banquet with a fresh spread. When 9 p.m. rolled around, they were still drinking. Seeing this, one of the servants shook his head and muttered under his breath, “My lords. Tonight you drink to your heart’s content. But tomorrow, I fear your blood may stain the marketplace!”

Wait, what was that? In the still of the night, Ji Chang had heard that utterance. To see what will come of this slip of the tongue, tune into the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!

Music in This Episode

• “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
• “The Quiet Aftermath by Sir Cubworth (from YouTube audio library)
• “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)
• “Desert City” by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (Source: http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/index.html?isrc=USUAN1100536; Artist: http://incompetech.com/)