Gods 074: Not So Hot for Teacher
A Daoist elder shows up and tells the sect leaders, “I don’t care who started it (though Grandmaster of Heaven clearly started it)! Now swallow these magic poison pills!”
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 74 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor, the leaders of the Chan Sect, basically declared “Assemble!” and led their disciples into the Jie Sect’s Ten Thousand Immortals Formation, with some help from their two Buddha friends. Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor led the way and kept the Jie Sect’s leader, Grandmaster of Heaven, occupied.
Meanwhile, one of the Jie Sect’s senior disciples, Mother Golden Spirit, was surrounded by three members of the Chan Sect’s class of 12, Wenshu, Universal Virtue, and Merciful Navigation. All three of them transformed into some kind of powered-up beings with a lot of heads and arms, covered in golden lanterns, white lotus flowers, jewels, and pearls. Mother Golden Spirit engaged in such a fierce fight against them that at one point, her golden headdress fell off and her long hair came free, which I’m sure made for some dramatic visuals. But amid this mighty struggle, another Chan sect disciple, Master Burning Lamp, unleashed his Sea Calming Pearls, and they struck Mother Golden Spirit squarely on her head, killing her instantly.
Meanwhile, four other members of the Chan Sect — Grand Completion, Pure Essence, Divine Virtue, and Jade Tripod — unleashed the four magic swords that they had captured from the Jie Sect the last time they had one of these giant showdowns. The magic swords unleashed streams of black smoke that enveloped the Jie Sect members, and countless were cut soon cut down.
At the same time, Jiang Ziya summoned his God-Beating Staff, while Yang (2) Ren (4), the guy with hands for eyes, starting waving his magic fire fan in every direction, setting everything and everyone ablaze. Meanwhile, Lotus Boy Nezha powered up to his three-headed, eight-armed self and wreaked havoc everywhere.
Watching his disciples being slaughtered en masse, Grandmaster of Heaven became irate. He now shouted for one of his trusted disciples, Fairy Long Ears, “Bring me my Six Soul Pennant!”
As we mentioned last time, this Six Soul Pennant was a powerful curse object that Grandmaster of Heaven had been honing specifically for this occasion. But as we also mentioned last time, the guy he entrusted with that pennant, Fairy Long Ears, was having some second thoughts about this whole villain thing after seeing how powerful the Chan Sect and their Buddhist friends were. And now, as he beheld the massacre that was happening in front of him, he decided, nope. So instead of waving the pennant like his master had told him to, Long Ears just rolled up the pennant, hightailed it out of the formation, and hid near the Chan Sect’s pavilion.
Grandmaster of Heaven, meanwhile, called out time and again for his pennant. But when all those calls went unanswered, he went ah crap and lost his heart for battle. He wanted to go save his disciples who were being slaughtered, but he was being kept busy by Laozi, Heavenly Primogenitor, and the two Buddhas. He thought about falling back, but was afraid that it would look really bad in front of his disciples. So he had no choice but to hang in there against his four foes.
But just then, he took another slap in the face from Laozi. In response, he hurled his Purple Lightning Mallet at Laozi, but Laozi chuckled, “How can that thing even get near me?”
From Laozi’s head, a pearl magic pagoda appeared, shielding him from the mallet. And while Grandmaster of Heaven was focusing on Laozi, he suddenly took a blow from Heavenly Primogenitor’s scepter, which hit him on the shoulder and almost knocked him off his rhino.
Meanwhile, the 28 Jie Sect disciples that led the formation had almost all been wiped out by now. The only one left was Qiu (1) Yin (3), a sorcerer general who had previously gone up against Jiang Ziya and company before being defeated. Seeing things go south, Qiu Yin tried to fast-travel away via the earth element. But Lu (4) Ya (1), the powerful freelance Daoist who’s a frequent ally of the Chan sect, saw him and quickly took to the air, opened his magic gourd, and unleashed a beam of white light. At the end of this light was a sharp object that flew out. Lu Ya bowed and said, “Treasure, spin!” The beam spun, and Qiu Yin’s head hit the ground.
Back inside the formation, one of the Buddhas, Amitabha, opened up a magic sack, and it sucked in all 3,000 of the Jie Sect disciples from the part of the formation that was enveloped in red smoke. These guys were the lucky ones — they were all going West to live the good life with the Buddhas.
The other Buddha, Candi (Jandi), and his pet magic peacock now unveiled 34 heads and 18 arms, which frankly seems like they were just flexxing. Every hand wielded a magical item as they attacked Grandmaster of Heaven.
When Grandmaster of Heaven saw this, he was fuming. “Candi, you a-hole! You’ve pushed me too far, and now you’ve come to disturb my formation yet again!”
As he cursed, he spurred on his rhino and charged at Candi, who simply waved his magic tree branch and turned his foe’s sword to pieces.. This was too much for Grandmaster of Heaven, as he turned his rhino around and fled out of the formation. His opponents didn’t bother chasing him. Instead, they just finished off the remnants of the formation and returned to their pavilion in triumph.
At the pavilion, Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor noticed a figure cowering in the shadows. This was Fairy Long Ear, the Jie Sect disciple who had cut and run in the face of battle. They recognized him and asked what he was doing there.
Long Ears fell to his knees and said, “Daoist uncles, pardon me and allow me to explain. My master had created a Six Soul Pennant to harm the two of you, plus the Buddhas, the Martial King, and Jiang Ziya. He told me to wield it. But I saw that you all were just and wise, while my master was listening to slander and causing trouble. So I could not bear to use the pennant against you. Instead, I hid here.”
“How strange!” Heavenly Primogenitor said. “Even though you are of the Jie Sect, your heart is in the right place. You just might have what it takes to attain the Dao.”
So he told Long Ears to follow them into the pavilion, where the two Chan sect leaders and the two Buddhas sat down. Laozi now asked Long Ears for the Six Soul Pennant, which Long Ears promptly presented.
The two Buddhas now suggested, “Let’s remove the Martial King and Jiang Ziya’s names from the pennant and then unfurl its powers to see how it would fare against us.”
So they removed the two tails of the pennant that had the Martial King and Jiang Ziya’s names on them. Then, Long Ears unfurled the pennant and waved it a few times as instructed. The four masters, meanwhile, unleashed their respective personal shields, whether by cloud or pagoda, and the black magic of the pennant was powerless against them. So they were just flexing now. And Long Ears promptly tossed the pennant aside, kowtowed, and said, “My master was clearly in the wrong, causing so much suffering.”
The two Buddhas now regaled him with a few verses of how wonderful the West was and told him, “Hey, you can join us.” Heavenly Primogenitor chimed in in agreement, so Long Ears kowtowed to the Buddhas and pledged himself to their school.
While the victors celebrated, let’s go check in on the losers. Grandmaster of Heaven had fled, while his disciples had either been killed, recruited into Buddhism, or fled. One of his senior disciples, Mother Invincible, saw things go south and was among the first to flee the scene. Shen Gongbao, the one-time Chan sect disciple turned nemesis, had also fled.
Grandmaster of Heaven, accompanied by a tattered company of about 200 disciples, fled to the foot of a mountain and paused to rest. As he caught his breath, he thought to himself, “That despicable Long Ears took my Six Soul Pennant and cost me the battle! How can I go back to my Green Touring Palace as the sect leader like this? Alas, let me go back and start over.”
As his companions voiced their agreement, Grandmaster of Heaven seethed over the loss of his four senior disciples. Suddenly, a thought came to him.
“Why don’t I go to the Purple Haze Palace to see my master and lodge a complaint against Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitors, and then go back to my palace?” he said to himself.
Just as he was discussing this with his disciples, he saw auspicious clouds and smelled exotic fragrance coming from the South. From that direction, a Daoist approached, holding a bamboo walking stick. This was Hongjun (2,1), whose name roughly translates to Primordial Nature. In the Daoist canon, he was the teacher of the Three Pure Ones, aka Laozi, Heavenly Primogenitor, and Grandmaster of Heaven.
Grandmaster of Heaven hurriedly kneeled and greeted his teacher. Primordial Nature cut right to the chase. “Why did you set up this formation and cause so much suffering?!” the teacher demanded.
“Master, my two Daoist brothers were bullying and wiping out my sect. They allowed their disciples to insult and slaughter my disciples, with no regard for our shared heritage. They’re basically spitting in your face. I hope you will exercise compassion!”
But Primordial Nature wasn’t buying it. “Ths was clearly your own doing, leading to calamity for so many. But instead of blaming yourself, you’re trying to blame others. How despicable! Fame and wealth are the cause of mortal strife. All who seek immortality must shed those desires, not to mention the three of you, who are the leaders of your respective sects. How can you start such conflicts over such a trifle? I know that your Daoist brothers didn’t want this fight; it’s all because you were so wicked that they had no choice but to respond. Even though this was a preordained calamity, you still bear responsibility for your sect’s lax discipline. Your sect is the most troublesome of all. That’s why I had no choice but to come on this errand of mercy, to help you resolve your differences and retain oversight of your respective sects.”
After that tongue-lashing, Primordial Nature then told the Jie sect disciples, “Go back to your caves, work on your cultivation.” All the disciples promptly kowtowed and scattered.
Primordial Nature now ordered Grandmaster of Heaven to go to the Chan sect’s pavilion to announce his arrival. Grandmaster of Heaven did not dare to disobey his teacher, so he sheepishly went along.
At the pavilion, Nezha and fellow Daoist warrior Wei (4) Hu (4) were standing outside, discussing their victory, when they suddenly saw Grandmaster of Heaven approach, with an old Daoist following behind with a bamboo walking stick. As the duo descended, all the Chan Sect members were quite stunned.
“Nezha, go tell Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor to come welcome their master!” Grandmaster of Heaven shouted as he landed.
Nezha rushed inside to relay this. Laozi and company were just discussing how their disciples had completed their trials when suddenly, he noticed a bright aura outside.
“Our master is here!” Laozi said to Heavenly Primogenitor as he hurriedly got to his feet. They led their disciples out of the pavilion and ran into Nezha, who told them, “Grandmaster of Heaven just showed up with an old Daoist and asked for you to come out to greet them.”
“I know,” Laozi said. “That’s my teacher. He must be here to help us resolve our conflict.”
So they rushed outside and kowtowed on the side of the road, declaring, “Master, we didn’t know you were coming. Pardon us for not welcoming you sooner!”
“Your 12 generations of disciples were facing calamity, causing a rift among your sects,” Primordial Nature said. “I have come to make peace between you, so that you may each tend to your own school and avoid conflict with each other.”
Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor immediately voiced their acquiescence to whatever their master was going to suggest. They then entered the pavilion and introduced Primordial Nature to the two Buddhas. After they exchanged greetings, Primordial Nature explained to the Buddhas why he had come. Once they all sat down again, Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor again came over to bow and pay their respects, followed by all their disciples, who then stood to both sides respectfully. Grandmaster of Heaven also stood to one side.
“You three, come over here,” Primordial Nature said to his three disciples.
When Laozi, Heavenly Primogenitor, and Grandmaster of Heaven came over, he said, “Grandmaster of Heaven listened to his disciples’ slander and stirred up trouble. Even though this calamity was preordained, you still bear responsibility for not following the tenets of peace and tranquility. Instead of helping your disciples survive their calamity, you have led them to slaughter. This is your fault. That’s a fair judgment, not bias on my part.”
The two Buddhas quickly chimed in and voiced their agreement. Primordial Nature then turned back to his disciples and said, “I’m going to make it abundantly clear for you today, so that it’s all resolved. And as for my two senior pupils, you two should also let this drop. You should each go back home and avoid causing further suffering. Besides, your disciples’ trials are done, and Jiang Ziya is on the brink of completing his great service. So not another peep from any of you. Just tend to your own school. Now, kneel!”
As the three Daoist sect leaders kneeled, their teacher took out a gourd from his sleeve and poured out three magic pills, giving one to each sect leader.
“Swallow this, and then I’ll have more to say,” he told them.
Once they swallowed the pills, Primordial Nature continued: “These pills have special powers. If you three ever try to attack each other again, the pills will kill you instantly!”
Seeing that their teacher was NOT playing around, the three sect leaders bowed and said, “Thank you master for your mercy!”
Primordial Nature then got up and took his leave of the two Buddhas. He then told Grandmaster of Heaven, “You come with me,” which of course his disciple did not dare to disobey. The two Buddhas and all the Chan sect Daoists now saw them off. Primordial Nature told them to break it up and go home, and then he and Grandmaster of Heaven took to the clouds and departed.
The two Buddhas now also took their leave and headed back West. Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor then told Jiang Ziya, “We and the class of 12 will go home first. We will wait for the day that you become a true immortal.”
But before they left, Jiang Ziya kowtowed and asked, “Masters, please tell me how our rendezvous with the nobles of the land will go.”
“I have a poem for you,” Laozi said. “You must remember it:
Dangers will fall again and again.
The future should come like this since then,
Hail to the conference of 800 nobles,
Complete victory will come after the Creation.”
Laozi and Heavenly Primogenitor then each returned to their respective abodes. The class of 12 now came to take their leave and told Jiang Ziya, “This is our final parting; we will not meet again!”
Unwilling to bid goodbye to his comrades, Jiang Ziya composed a poem for the occasion:
Moving east of Tong Pass to mee the immortals,
Now sadly we say goodbye so soon.
What year shall we happily meet,
To talk again about the old time?
While the other senior Daoists left, the freelancer Lu Ya took Jiang Ziya by the hand and said, “Once we leave, it will be hard to meet again. As you go forth, you will encounter dangers, but there will be someone to help you resolve them. But there will be a few obstacles that will require my magic gourd. So I will gift it to you.”
Jiang Ziya thanked him profusely. Lu Ya handed over his killer gourd and then took his leave as well.
Let’s leave this scene of hugs and fond farewells for something a little less kumbaya. While Heavenly Primogenitor headed back to Kunlun Mountain, he saw his prodigal disciple Shen Gongbao, who had recruited so many Jie sect Daoists to fight against members of his own sect, fleeing up ahead. Heavenly Primogenitor immediately told his attendant, White Crane Acolyte, “Shen Gongbao had once sworn an oath to not attack Jiang Ziya anymore, but he broke that oath. Go order a divine bodyguard to use my magic scepter to capture him and wait for me at the cliff outside my palace.”
White Crane Acolyte did as he was instructed, and the divine bodyguard caught up to Shen Gongbao, unleashed the scepter, and captured him alive, bringing him to the designated waiting area outside the Chan Sect’s headquarters.
When Heavenly Primogenitor arrived on his chariot, the bodyguard brought over Shen Gongbao, and the master said, “You had once sworn an oath and said that if you broke it, you would serve as the plug for the whirlpool at the bottom of the North Sea. So I have nothing more to say to you today.”
Shen Gongbao was also short on words, so Heavenly Primogenitor told his bodyguard, “Roll him up in my meditation mat and use him to plug the whirlpool in the North Sea.”
And so the bodyguard did as instructed, and thus began Shen Gongbao’s long career as a drain stopper at the bottom of the sea.
Latest victory in hand, Jiang Ziya and his cohort of Daoist followers returned to Tong Pass to see the Martial King Ji Fa. Ji Fa said, “Minister Father, now that you’re back and our troops are all ready, we should advance quickly and convene with the other nobles.”
So the Zhou army decamped and marched about 25 miles toward the next Shang checkpoint, Lintong (2,2) Pass, which literally means the Pass Near Tong Pass. They set up camp and prepared for battle.
The Shang commander of Lintong Pass was named Ouyang (1,2) Chun (2). When he got word of the enemy’s arrival, he convened with his officers and said, “How can our one measly pass stand in the Zhou army’s way?”
His officers said, “Let’s face off against them tomorrow. If we win, then we can use the momentum to push the enemy back. If we don’t win, then we will maintain a stiff defense and sent an urgent report to the capital to request reinforcements.”
Ouyang Chun agreed. The next day, Flying Tiger led his unit to the foot of the pass to demand battle. The Shang vanguard general, Bian (4) Jinlong (1,2), came out to meet him. When they traded names, Bian Jinlong cursed, “You rebel! Instead of repaying your country, you’re helping the traitors instead!”
Flying Tiger was enraged and attacked. Bian Jinlong raised his battle ax and they faced off for 30 exchanges. Then, Flying Tiger feigned a thrust and lured his enemy into opening himself up. With a loud roar, Flying Tiger skewered Bian Jinlong, cut off his head, and returned to camp.
When word of Bian Jinlong’s demise reached his family inside the pass, his wife started wailing. Her eldest son, Bian Ji (2), asked the attendants what was wrong. When he learned of his father’s fate, he flew into a rage, donned his armor, and went to see his mother, telling her that he was going to avenge his father. She just kept crying, however, so Bian Ji just went to see the commander Ouyang Chun.
“Who killed my father?” Bian Ji asked.
“Your honorable father was unfortunate and was killed by that traitor Flying Tiger,” Ouyang Chun told him.
“It’s already late in the day, but tomorrow, I shall eat that villain to avenge my father!” Bian Ji said.
When he returned home that night, Bian Ji ordered his personal guards to prepare a red coffin. The next morning, he led an army out, erected a huge flagpole, and trotted out the red coffin. He opened the coffin and took out a banner and hung it up on the pole. But this was no ordinary banner. It was made from human bones.
When scouts reported this to Jiang Ziya, he sent the general Nangong Kuo to go see what was up. Nangong Kuo rode out and saw a young officer with a vicious appearance who was wielding a halberd and demanding to know his name.
Nangong Kuo chuckled and replied, “A young weakling like you won’t recognize me. I am Nangong Kuo, a top general of the Zhou.”
“I will spare your life,” Bian Ji shouted. “Go tell Flying Tiger to come out. He killed my father. My beef is with him. I won’t bother killing a substitute like you.”
Nangong Kuo did not appreciate that slight, so he charged, and Bian Ji countered. They were evenly matched. After 30 bouts, Bian Ji turned and rode away, and Nangong Kuo pursued. And of course, it was a trap. Suddenly, he and his horse collapsed to the ground and fell unconscious. When he opened his eyes again, he found himself bound and in the hands of the enemy. Only now did he realize he had fallen victim to Bian Ji’s sorcery.
When he was brought into the pass to see the commander Ouyang Chun, Nangong Kuo refused to kneel. Ouyang Chun cursed him and ordered his execution. But one of his officers said, “Right now wicked villains at court are whispering that the officers on the borders are lying about there being an invasion in order to embezzle provisions and money. The court has refused all requests for aid. They even executed messengers from the border passes. In my foolish opinion, why not lock up Nangong Kuo? Once we have captured his accomplices, we can send them to the capital and shut the mouths of those who would slander our name.”
Ouyang Chun agreed and ordered his men to lock up Nangong Kuo. Meanwhile, Jiang Ziya was greatly disturbed at the capture of one of his top generals. The next day, Bian Ji came to demand battle again, calling out Flying Tiger by name. So Flying Tiger went out, accompanied by two of his sworn brothers, Huang (2) Ming (2) and Zhou (1) Ji (3).
As soon as they traded names, Bian Ji cursed Flying Tiger, “You damn traitor! You killed my father. That cannot go unavenged! Today I shall capture you and cut you to pieces to sooth my hatred!”
As he spoke, Bian Ji raised his halberd and attacked. They fought for 30 bouts, and then Bian Ji turned and rode away. Flying Tiger gave chase, and of course, he fell for the same trap as Nangong Kuo, and found himself unconscious and captured. Seeing this, his sworn brother Huang Ming raised his battle ax and charged in hopes of rescuing Flying Tiger. But he too fell unconscious and was captured.
With two prisoners in tow, Bian Ji returned to the pass to report his victory. He wanted to execute Flying Tiger right away to avenge his father, but Ouyang Chun said, “Young general. Even though you’re within your rights to execute him to avenge your father, he is the cause of all this trouble. He should be delivered to the court for punishment. That will avenge your father AND demonstrate your prowess. All will be set right. Won’t that be better?”
Bian Ji had no choice but to obey his commander, so he took his leave with tears in his eyes. Meanwhile, Flying Tiger’s other sworn brother, Zhou Ji (3), retreated back to camp and informed Jiang Ziya that they had lost two more generals. Jiang Ziya was shocked and asked what happened.
“Bian Ji erected a tall banner made of human bones,” Zhou Ji said. “When he retreated, he rode under that banner. Anyone pursuing him would collapse, both rider and horse.”
“This is sorcery again,” Jiang Ziya fretted. “Let me go see it in person tomorrow.”
So the next day, Jiang Ziya and company rode out and saw thousands of streaks of black smoke hanging in the air. When the Daoist disciples fixed their gaze on the banner of bones, they saw a charm written on it.
“This must be sorcery,” Jiang Ziya cautioned them. “When you fight him, just don’t go under that banner.”
Meanwhile, Ouyang Chun had gotten word of the enemy’s approach, so he rode out to face Jiang Ziya. Ouyang Chun himself rode around the banner instead of under it, which did not escape the notice of his enemies.
Jiang Ziya now rode forward and asked, “Are you the commander of this pass?”
When Ouyang Chun replied in the affirmative, Jiang Ziya continued, “General, how can you be so ignorant of heaven’s will? Of the five passes, only yours remains in the Shang’s hands. How dare you still resist heaven’s army?”
Ouyang Chun was enraged by those words, and he told Bian Ji to go capture Jiang Ziya. Bian Ji galloped out, but from the Zhou side, Thunderbolt shouted, “Scoundrel! Not so fast! Here I come!”
As he spoke, Thunderbolt unfurled his wings and soared through the air, wielding his golden staff. Seeing this, Bian Ji quickly turned and retreated. Thunderbolt figured that he would go smash the banner of bones first to break its spell, and then worry about Bian Ji. So he swooped down and brought his staff down toward the banner. However, unbeknownst to him, the banner was enveloped by a demonic aura. As he approached it from above, he too fell victim to its spell. Thunderbolt crashed to the ground unconscious and was immediately tied up.
That angered Thunderbolt’s fellow disciple Wei (4) Hu (4), who hurled his Demon-Taming Club toward the banner. But the club too fell harmlessly to the ground, a sight that made everyone on the Zhou side gasp.
Bian Ji now rode back out and shouted, “Jiang Ziya, surrender now, and I might spare you!”
Lotus boy Nezha was irate. He unveiled his eight arms and three heads and shouted, “Scoundrel, not so fast!”
To see how he will fare against this black magic, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)
- “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)
- “Day of Recon” by Max Surla/Media Right Productions (from YouTube audio library)