Gods 066: Sneaky Business
Jiang Ziya’s crew turns to subterfuge and theft to annoy a powerful foe.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 66 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, Jiang Ziya and company managed to conquer a couple of key checkpoints on their Eastern expedition against the Shang. They now turned their full attention to the major roadblock in front of them, Sishui Pass. Jiang Ziya sent a letter to the pass commander, Han (2) Rong (2), and it said:
“From Jiang Ziya, commander of the Western Zhou’s army on campaign on heaven’s behalf, to the commander of Sishui Pass: It’s often said that heaven’s will is unpredictable, but that it favors the virtuous. Right now, the king of Shang is cruel and tyrannical and abuses his people. He has incurred teh wrath of both heaven and the people. The land is fractured, all the nobles are in rebellion, and the people suffer. But our Martial King acts according to heaven’s dictates and for the sake of the people. Sweet Dreams Pass and Green Dragon Pass both acted against heaven’s will, and we have killed their commanders and seized their banners. All their people have submitted to us. And now our army is on your doorstep, so I’m extending you the courtesy of this letter. Let me know quickly whether you intend to fight or submit. Do not delay and doom yourself.”
Han Rong read the letter and wrote on it, “I’ll fight you tomorrow,” and sent the courier back to the enemy. The next day, Jiang Ziya’s army marched en masse to the foot of the pass and demanded battle. Han Rong came out with his own troops and both sides lined up, ready for a showdown.
Han Rong rode out and said, “Commander Jiang, greetings. It’s not befitting a vassal to encroach on his king’s land. Why have you waged this unjustified campaign? I feel bad for you, watching you commit such treason.”
Jiang Ziya laughed and replied, “General, you’re in error. If the lord is just, then he may sit on his throne. But if he is not, then he must fall. Heaven’s will is not fixed, and its favor falls on the virtuous. When the last king of the Xia Dynasty acted cruelly, the Shang overthrew him. And now, King Zhou (4) has committed serious offenses, causing the nobles of the land to rise up. Our kingdom is acting on heaven’s command in waging a campaign against him.”
“Jiang Ziya, I thought you were a learned scholar, but you’re spewing nonsense to deceive the people!” Han Rong said angrily. “What skills do you have that you dare to boast like this? Who will arrest him for me?”
One of Han Rong’s lieutenants immediately galloped out and charged at Jiang Ziya with saber raised. On the Zhou side, Nezha darted out on his fire wheels, and before long, his spear skewered his foe, killing him instantly.
Seeing this, another of the Zhou army’s vanguard generals, Wei (4) Ben (1), galloped out and made straight for Han Rong. Han Rong raised his halberd to counter, but Wei Ben was as fierce as a tiger, and Han Rong was already feeling intimidated after seeing his lieutenant get killed. Jiang Ziya now directed his troops to sweep forward, and Han Rong quickly fell back into the pass.
Once safely back inside the pass, Han Rong sent an urgent dispatch to the capital to request backup. And then he tried to figure out how to shore up his defenses. Just as things were looking dire, he got word that the general Yu (2) Hua (4) had arrived. Now, we’ve met this Yu Hua before. Back in episodes 30 ad 31, this general slash sorcerer had captured Flying Tiger’s entire family at Sishui Pass while they were trying to flee west. But then Nezha showed up, broke his arm, and sent him fleeing. We hadn’t heard from him since then, but now, he’s back, and Han Rong was delighted.
When Yu Hua came in, Han Rong told him, “General, after you were beaten and fled, Flying Tiger broke through our pass and got away. Time flew by and now he’s built up his strength and has joined forces with that Jiang Ziya. They split their army and have already sacked Sweet Dreams Pass and Green Dragon Pass. I fought them yesterday but could not beat them. What should we do?”
Yu Hua said, “After I was injured by Nezha, I went to my Daoist master’s mountain and asked him to forge a magical item for me so that I can get revenge. Now, even if the Zhou has 10 million men, I will wipe them all out.”
Han Rong was delighted and treated Yu Hua to wine. The next day, Yu Hua went to the Zhou camp to challenge for battle, and Nezha promptly volunteered to answer the call. So he rolled out on his wheels, and when he recognized his foe, he shouted, “Yu Hua, it’s you!”
Seeing the target of his wrath, Yu Hua’s face became flushed and he didn’t even bother trading words. He just galloped forth and attacked with his halberd. Nezha countered with his spear. After 30 bouts or so, Nezha was starting to get the upper hand. Sensing that he was not going to beat Nezha by conventional means, Yu Hua unleashed his secret weapon, a blade called the Blood Disintegrating Dagger. It darted through the air like a bolt of lightning and was so fast that Nezha couldn’t dodge in time, and the dagger slashed through him.
Now, if Nezha were a mortal, he would be dead already. But his lotus body protected him yet again, but this time, even Nezha felt the damage from the magical dagger. He let out a loud cry and fled back to camp. As soon as he entered the camp, he collapsed and fell off his wheels. He was in such pain that he just shook and could not speak.
When Jiang Ziya heard about this, he had his men carry Nezha into his tent. He called Nezha’s name, but Nezha could not answer, which made Jiang Ziya very worried.
The next day, Yu Hua came back again to demand battle. This time, Thunderbolt volunteered. When he went out, he saw this guy with a yellow complexion and a red beard, and he demanded to know if his foe was Yu Hua.
“You traitor, how can you not recognize me?!” Yu Hua cursed.
Thunderbolt was angered by such insolence, so he spread his wings, soared into the air, and swung his staff down toward Yu Hua’s head. Yu Hua countered with his halberd. After a few exchanges, Yu Hua once again summoned his magic dagger, and this time, it slashed Thunderbolt across his wings. Fortunately, Thunderbolt’s wings were formed from two magical apricots, so the injury was not life-threatening. Nonetheless, it sent him crashing to the ground, and he retreated back to the camp in defeat.
This latest setback made Jiang Ziya even more troubled. When Yu Hua came back again the next day, Jiang Ziya ordered his men to hang up the battle-avoidance sign and stay in camp, so Yu Hua had no choice but to go back to the pass.
The next day, the Daoist warrior Yang Jian, one of the Zhou’s provisions officers, arrived and took note of the battle-avoidance sign.
“Hmm. It’s been nearly 10 months since Commander Jiang was put in charge of the army,” he thought to himself. “Yet he’s still here and hasn’t taken any Shang territory yet. And now he’s avoiding battle. Let me go see him and find out what’s up.”
So Yang Jian went and checked in at the command tent and told him that more grain had been delivered. Jiang Ziya, though, lamented, “We have grain enough, but not enough fight.”
“Daoist uncle, you can take down the battle-avoidance sign,” Yang Jian said. “I will go out tomorrow and size up the enemy.”
Just as they were talking, word came that a young Daoist acolyte had arrived. Jiang Ziya summoned him in, and this acolyte kneeled and said, “I am a disciple under Fairy Primordial. My Daoist brother Nezha is in bad shape, so my master has sent me to come carry him back to our mountain for treatment.”
So Jiang Ziya handed over Nezha, and the young acolyte carried him off toward Fairy Primordial’s mountain. Meanwhile, Yang Jian took a look at Thunderbolt and saw that he couldn’t speak and was just shaking. And the blood coming from his wound was black.
“This must be the work of poison,” Yang Jian said. He then asked Jiang Ziya again to take down the battle-avoidance sign, which Jiang Ziya did.
The next day, inside Sishui Pass, Yu Hua got word that the Zhou camp was open for business again, so he hurried out and demanded battle. Yang Jian came out and traded names with Yu Hua before they started trading blows. After 20 exchanges, Yu Hua again summoned his dagger. It darted through the air. Yang Jian turned and took the blow on his left arm. He let out a cry and rode back to camp, where he was greeted by a concerned Jiang Ziya.
“How did it go?” Jiang Ziya asked.
“I wanted to see what kind of magic his dagger contained, so I used my powers and took a blow on my left arm,” Yang Jian said. “But I couldn’t make out what kind of poison this is. Let me go see my master.”
Jiang Ziya agreed, so Yang Jian fast traveled to Jade Spring Mountain, where he paid his respects to his master, Jade Tripod, a member of the Chan sect’s class of 12. He told his master, “I was besieging Sishui Pass with my Daoist uncle, and I faced off against the enemy general Yu Hua. He has a dagger with poison of an unknown nature. He wounded Thunderbolt with it, and Thunderbolt could only shiver and not speak. Even I took a blow from the dagger. But thanks to your training, it wasn’t serious. But I couldn’t tell what kind of poison it is.”
Jade Tripod immediately took a look at Yang Jian’s wound, and he said, “This is from the Blood Disintegrating Dagger. Usually anyone wounded by this dagger will die if it draws blood. Fortunately, Thunderbolt was wounded on his wings, which were transformed from magic apricots, and you had enough training to avoid serious injury. Otherwise, you would both be dead.”
Yang Jian was stunned and asked if there was an antidote.
“Even I cannot cure this poison,” Jade Tripod said. “This dagger is from the Daoist Yu (2) Yuan (2) of Penglai (2,2) Island. When he forged this, there were three magical pills that were in the furnace alongside the dagger. To cure this poison, you must get those pills. Nothing else will do.”
Jade Tripod then thought for a while and told Yang Jian, “This is a mission only you can accomplish.” He then whispered some instructions into Yang Jian’s ear, and Yang Jian quickly took his leave and departed for Penglai Island.
Penglai Island was situated in the East Sea and was another one of those otherworldly Daoist locales with exotic flowers and gorgeous seascapes and cliffs. When Yang Jian arrived, he summoned his powers of transformation and shapeshifted into Yu Hua. He then went to see Yu Hua’s master, Yu Yuan.
“What are you doing here?” Yu Yuan asked his … umm … disciple.
“On your command, I went to Sishui Pass to help Commander Han Rong oversee his defenses. But then Jiang Ziya’s army showed up. In our first battle, I wounded Nezha with the dagger. Then I woulded Thunderbolt in a second fight. In the third battle, I faced Jiang Ziya’s Daoist nephew Yang Jian. I unleashed the dagger, but he pointed at it and send the dagger back at me, and it struck me on the arm. I hope you can save me.”
“What? What skills does this Yang Jian have that he can repel my magic dagger?” Yu Yuan said with alarm. “Well, when I forged the dagger, I also made three magic pills in the same furnace. There’s no point in me keeping them here. You can take them with you.”
So Yu Yuan handed over the pills, and his disciple bowed to thank him and departed. After seeing his disciple off, Yu Yuan sat down and started thinking to himself, “What skills could that Yang Jian have that he could send my dagger back? And if Yu Hua was indeed wounded by that dagger, how could he even make it back here? There’s something fishy about this.”
He now did a little divination with his fingers and went, ah crap!
“Yang Jian you scoundrel!” he fumed. “How dare you shapeshift and steal my pills! You have gone too far!”
A furious Yu Yuan now mounted his golden-eyed camel and set off in pursuit of Yang Jian. Yang Jian was on his way back to the Zhou camp when he suddenly heard the whooshing of wind behind him. He knew that this was Yu Yuan coming after him, so he quickly stashed the pills in his shirt and secretly summoned his Sky-Barking Hound to lie in wait.
Yu Yuan was hot in pursuit when suddenly, out of nowhere, this rabid dog appeared and sank its fangs into his neck. It scraped off some skin and flesh and tore off half of Yu Yuan’s Daoist robe. Wounded and stunned, Yu Yuan thought to himself, “Let me go home first. I’ll come back for revenge when I’m ready.”
Later that day, Jiang Ziya got word that Yang Jian had returned and hurriedly summoned him in. Yang Jian recounted what happened, and a delighted Jiang Ziya instructed him to administer one of the magic pills to Thunderbolt. He then sent Muzha to deliver another pill to Fairy Primordial for his brother Nezha.
This done, the next day Yang Jian went to challenge for battle again. Han Rong again sent Yu Hua out. When Yang Jian saw his foe, he shouted, “Yu Hua, you used your Blood DisintegratingDagger to injure me before. But fortunately, I have magic pills. Otherwise, I would have fallen victim to your dirty tricks.”
Yu Hua thought to himself, “The only antidote is the pills forged in the same furnace as the dagger. How could the Zhou army have those pills as well? But if they really do have those pills, then my dagger is useless.”
In any case, he now charged and attacked, and the two were evenly matched after 30 bouts. On the Zhou side, Thunderbolt, freshly recovered from his wound, was itching for some payback. So he flew out of camp and shouted, “Yu Hua, how dare you wound me with that wicked dagger?! If not for our magic pills, I would be dead. Eat my staff!”
As he spoke, he raised his golden staff and attacked from the air. Yu Hua leaned to dodge the blow, but it landed on his horse, which reared up and threw Yu Hua to the ground. Before he could recover, Yang Jian brought his three-pointed saber down and killed Yu Hua.
While Yang Jian and Thunderbolt then returned to camp in victory, the Shang commander Han Rong was stunned to hear that he had lost his top asset. He was fretting over what to do when he got word that another Daoist had arrived. Han Rong invited him in and was taken aback by this tall, intimidating Daoist with a blue face, red hair, protruding teeth, and eyes that emitted a vicious glow.
Han Rong paid his respects and asked his visitor for his name. The visitor replied, “I am Yu Yuan of Penglai Island. That Yang Jian has gone too far. He stole my magic pills and now he has killed my disciple Yu Hua. I have come to seek revenge.”
Han Rong was delighted and welcomed Yu Yuan with wine. The next day, Yu Yuan rode out on his camel and demanded to speak with Jiang Ziya. Jiang Ziya came out with his army, and once again, they did the whole, “No, YOU are acting against heaven’s will” thing before Yu Yuan galloped toward Jiang Ziya and attacked. Jiang Ziya pulled out his sword to defend himself, and two of his officers, Nezha’s father Li (3) Jing (4) and the Daoist warrior Wei (4) Hu (4), also joined the fight.
After they scrummed for a while, Yu Yuan unleashed a 1 foot, 3 inch long golden file at Jiang Ziya. But Jiang Ziya unfurled his yellow flag, which summoned thousands of golden lotus flowers that protected him from the file. Yu Yuan retrieved the file and was just about to use it to attack Li Jing. But Jiang Ziya now unleashed his God Beating Staff, which struck Yu Yuan so hard in the back that it made him cough up fire. Li Jing also used that opportunity to spear Yu Yuan in the leg. Wounded, Yu Yuan gave his camel a pat on the head, and the camel took to the air on a beam of golden light and took off. Jiang Ziya didn’t bother giving chase and just brought his troops back to camp.
During the battle, the earth-traveling specialist Tuxing Sun had arrived with another shipment of grain for the Zhou army. As he watched the fighting, he noticed Yu Yuan’s magic camel. He thought to himself, “If I can get that ride, it would make escorting provisions a cinch.”
So after the battle, he reported to Jiang Ziya and then went back to his own tent to see his wife, Deng Chanyu. He told her, “I just saw that Yu Yuan flying away on his magic camel, which glided like the clouds on a beam of golden light. What a miraculous creature! I’m going to go steal that camel tonight so I can ride it when I’m escorting provisions.”
“If you’re going to go, you should inform Commander Jiang first,” Deng Chanyu said. “You must not act recklessly.”
“It’s no point talking to him,” Tuxing Sun said. “I’ll be back in a jiffy. No need to spend all this time talking.”
So around 7 p.m. that night, Tuxing Sun used his powers to fast travel into the pass. He went to the commander’s office, where he saw Yu Yuan meditating with his eyes closed. Tuxing Sun did not dare to make his move yet, so he just hid in the shadows and waited.
Momentarily, Tuxing Sun heard Yu Yuan snoring. “That’s it; success is mine!” he thought to himself. So now he emerged from the shadows with his steel staff in tow. He saw the camel tied to a column outside the hall, so he untied it and hopped on for a little test drive.
Satisfied, he hopped off and came back into the hall. He quietly approached the snoring Yu Yuan and when he was within striking distance, he brought his steel staff down hard on the side of Yu Yuan’s face. There was a loud clang and sparks flew, but Yu Yuan sat unmoved. Hmm, that’s … not what usually happens.
Tuxing Sun now delivered another blow on Yu Yuan’s head, and again, Yu Yuan sat unmoved and didn’t even make a peep.
“This sorcerer has some tough skin,” a befuddled Tuxing Sun said. “Fine, I’ll just leave for now and deal with him tomorrow.”
So he hopped on the camel, gave it a pat on the head, and it took to the air just like before. Tuxing Sun was elated. Now, the gates to the pass were still shut at this time of night, so Tuxing Sun was going to have to fly out of here on the camel. So he told the camel, “Treasure, fly me out of here.”
But before he finished speaking, the camel descended to the ground. Just as Tuxing Sun was about to dismount, he felt a tug on the back of his head, and before his feet could touch the ground, someone had grabbed him by the hair and dangled him in the air. He looked and saw that it was none other than Yu Yuan.
So, Yu Yuan might’ve had his eyes closed while meditating, but he knew full well what was going on. As he meditated, he suddenly sensed a disturbance in the force, and he secretly did a little divination with his fingers, which told him that somebody was coming to steal his camel that night. I love how specific these divinations are. Anyway, Yu Yuan discreetly worked some of his magic and set a trap that Tuxing Sun walked right into.
Yu Yuan now shouted, “I’ve captured a camel thieve!”
Al the officers in the compound were stirred to action. When they gathered and the commander Han Rong came out, they saw Yu Yuan approaching with his arm raised, dangling a dwarf by the hair.
“Master, why are you carrying him like this?” Han Rong asked. “You can put him down.”
“No, you don’t understand his earth-traveling magic,” Yu Yuan said. “If I let him touch the ground, he’s going to escape.”
“Then how should we deal with him?”
“Put this scoundrel in my magic sack,” Yu Yuan instructed. “Then we’ll burn him to death and rid ourselves of this thorn in the side.”
So Han Rong had his men fetch Yu Yuan’s magic sack. They put Tuxing Sun in it, and then they quickly set up a pyre of firewood and set it ablaze. They then put the sack on top of the pyre and started roasting Tuxing Sun, who cried out in panic.
Just as things were looking dire, a gust of wind blew in, and a hand, a literal hand, reached down from the sky, grabbed the sack, and disappeared back into the heavens.
So, as it just so happened, Tuxing Sun’s master, Juliu (4,2) Sun, was meditating that night when White Crane Acolyte, the attendant to the Chan sect’s leader Heavenly Primogenitor, showed up and said, “Our master has sent word ordering you to go save Tuxing Sun.”
So Juliu Sun quickly traveled to Sishui Pass on a beam of golden light. He arrived just in time for the barbecue. So he whipped up a gale for cover, swooped down, grabbed the sack, and escaped.
A surprised Yu Yuan did a little divination and scoffed, “Juliu Sun, so it was you who saved your disciple! And you even stole my magic sack! Fine, I’ll deal with you tomorrow!”
Meanwhile, Juliu Sun headed toward the Zhou camp with the sack in tow. Inside the sack, Tuxing Sun no longer felt like he was in a steamer, but he didn’t know why. Around midnight, Juliu Sun arrived in the Zhou camp and met the general Nangong Kuo, who was overseeing the sentries that night. Nangong Kuo quickly reported to Jiang Ziya, who came out to welcome Juliu Sun and asked what he was doing there, with a sack no less.
“Tuxing Sun was about to die by fire, so I came to save him,” Juliu Sun said.
Jiang Ziya was stunned. “Tuxing Sun had just arrived yesterday with a shipment of provisions,” he said. “How did he get in trouble?”
Juliu Sun now opened the sack, turned it upside down, and Tuxing Sun fell out. When questioned, Tuxing Sun admitted that he had gone to try to steal Yu Yuan’s camel. Jiang Ziya was NOT amused.
“If you were going to do that, then you should at least let me know!” he scolded Tuxing Sun. “How could you keep me in the dark while you go embarrass our state like this? If I don’t punish you according to military law, it would damage discipline in our army. Guards, execute him!”
Juliu Sun, however, intervened and said, “Tuxing Sun does deserve to be executed for disobeying orders, sneaking into the pass, and embarrassing the state. But you need talented men right now. Pardon him for now and let him atone for his offense.”
Jiang Ziya relented and let Tuxing Sun off with a stern warning. The next day, Yu Yuan came out and demanded to face Juliu Sun.
“He must be here for his magic sack,” Juliu Sun said. “I’m just going to ignore him. And if you follow these instructions, you can defeat him.”
After Juliu Sun whispered some words to Jiang Ziya, the latter led his army out. Yu Yuan, however, shouted, “Just tell Juliu Sun to come see me!”
“My Daoist friend, how can you be so ignorant of heaven’s will?” Jiang Ziya replied. “You tried to burn Tuxing Sun to death, but then his master showed up to save him. As the saying goes, no amount of scheming can harm a blessed man, while a cursed man would drown in a ditch. This is not something man has power over.”
Yu Yuan was not in the mood for this. He fumed, “You slick-tongued scoundrel! How dare you taunt me?!”
He now galloped toward Jiang Ziya with sword raised, and Jiang Ziya rode out to take him on. After a dozen bouts or so, a rope suddenly descended from the sky and tied up Yu Yuan. This was Juliu Sun’s doing. He had been hiding in the sky all this time, and he used his Immortal Bounding Cord to bind up Yu Yuan and ordered a divine bodyguard to take Yu Yuan back to the Zhou camp.
As Yu Yuan’s camel fled back into the pass without its rider, Jiang Ziya had Yu Yuan brought into his command tent. Yu Yuan said, “Jiang Ziya, you may have caught me, but let’s see how you’re going to deal with me.”
Jiang Ziya ordered Li Jing to execute Yu Yuan at once. So Li Jing took the prisoner outside and brought his sword down on Yu Yuan’s neck. There was a loud clang, and Yu Yuan’s head was still intact, while Li Jing’s sword now had a two-inch chunk missing from its blade.
Li Jing reported this to Jiang Ziya, who came out to oversee the execution in person. Jiang Ziya now told Wei Hu to execute the prisoner with his Demon-Taming Club. So Wei Hu brought his club down on the prisoner and hit him so hard that sparks flew everywhere, and yet Yu Yuan didn’t feel a thing and just started singing to pass the time.
Hmm, so now what? To see how Jiang Ziya will try to dispose of Yu Yuan, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)
- “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)
- “The Quiet Aftermath by Sir Cubworth (from YouTube audio library)