Gods 017: Serpents’ Lair

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

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Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 17 of Investiture of the Gods. 

Last time, failed Daoist Jiang Ziya finally found a profession he was good at. But his career in fortune-telling took a quick turn for the worse when he spotted a Jade Lute Demon among his customers in the guise of a woman. Not one to mess around, he promptly clubbed her on the head with an inkstone and cracked open her skull. This landed him in some legal trouble. When we left him, he was surrounded by a furious mob, trying to explain to Bi (3) Gan (4), the Second Minister of the Shang court, that no this wasn’t a dead woman I’m clinging onto; it’s a demon. I swear!

“She’s dead. Why are you still clutching her by the wrist?” Bi Gan asked.

“If I let go, she will vanish. Then how would I explain myself?” Jiang Ziya said.

Actually, if the demon did vanish, that would kind of prove his point and get him off the hook. But Jiang Ziya was determined to not let go. In any case, the second highest official of the Shang court sized up the evidence in front of him and thought, gosh it’s really hard to tell what’s the truth here. 

“This is no place to sort this out,” he told everyone present. “Let me inform his majesty, and then we’ll get to the bottom of this.”

So now we were treated to the spectacle of Jiang Ziya dragging a dead woman’s body by the wrist through the streets while surrounded by a throng of outraged onlookers as they followed the Second Minister to the palace. Bi Gan went into the palace and headed to the Star-Picking Tower, where King Zhou was presently engaged in more nonstop partying with his vixen queen Daji. 

“Your highness,” Bi Gan said, “Your servant was passing by the south gate. There was a fortune-teller who said he saw that a female customer was a demon, so he killed her with an inkstone. But the onlookers swore that he was a lecher who tried to take advantage of the woman and killed her when she refused him. There seems to be some truth in both versions of the story. Please tell me how you would like to handle this matter.”

While Bi Gan was making his report, Daji was listening in the back and secretly bemoaning the fate of her demon friend. “Oh sister,” she thought to herself. “Why didn’t you just go straight home from the palace? Why did you have to go get your fortune told? And now you’ve been killed by this villain. I swear I will avenge you.”

She now came out and said to King Zhou, “Based on what the Second Minister said just now, this is a really hard case to judge. Your highness should summon this fortune-teller and have him bring the woman here. Let me take a look, and I will be able to sort it out.”

King Zhou did as she suggested, and soon, Jiang Ziya arrived, dragging the woman’s body behind him. He kneeled while still keeping an iron grip on her wrist. When King Zhou asked who he was, he answered, “My name is Jiang Ziya. I have studied under a Daoist master since my youth and received his divine instructions, so I am skilled at identifying demons. I live in the capital and make my living by the south gate. Unexpectedly, a demon showed up to trick me. But I saw through her disguise and rid the realm of her to protect the court and the palace so as to repay your highness and my master.”

“To my eyes, that looks like a normal woman, not a demon,” King Zhou said. “Your argument is flawed.”

“If your highness wants to see her demon form, then build a pyre and burn her, and she will revert to her true self,” Jiang Ziya said.

Well, we already know this king had a thing for burning people, though they’re usually alive when he did so. But the chance to possibly see a demon was too good to pass up, so he ordered his men to pile some firewood at the foot of the tower. Jiang Ziya drew a sigil on the woman’s head to keep her locked in her current form. Only then did he let go. He then removed her clothing and drew charms on her chest and back to immobilize her. He then put her on the pyre and started the fire.

The flames roared for a good four hours, and still, there was not a single burn mark on the woman’s body. This was really freaky, not to mention disturbing. I mean, do we really need to wait four hours to figure out that something wasn’t quite right here? 

“Her body hasn’t been reduced to ashes; she’s truly a demon,” said King Zhou, who was something of an authority on how long it took to reduce a human body to ashes.

“Judging by this, Jiang Ziya is an uncommon man,” Bi Gan said. “But what sort of demon is this?”

King Zhou told him to go put that question to Jiang Ziya. So Bi Gan descended the tower and relayed the message.

“If you want to see her true form, it’s not hard,” Jiang Ziya said. He then faced the pyre and started shooting flames out of his eyes, nose, and mouth. These were sacred fires, and they proved too much for the demon. 

Before long, the woman on the pyre sprang to life, got to her feet, and shouted, “Jiang Ziya, what did I ever do to  you?! Why are you burning me with sacred fire?”

King Zhou was truly freaked out by this. He was covered in sweat as he looked on dumbfounded.

“Your highness, please go back inside the tower,” Jiang Ziya said. “I’m about to bring the thunder.”

Then, he raised both hands, and a thunderous lightning cracked across the sky. When it passed, the flames gradually died down, and there was no longer a woman on the pyre. Instead, there was only a jade lute. This was the real form of the demon.

“The demon has shown her true form!” an astonished King Zhou said to his queen, Daji, who felt like she was getting stabbed in the heart.

“Oh sister, why didn’t you just go home?” she lamented once more to herself. “Now this villain has exposed your true form. How can I bear to see this? I swear that I will kill Jiang Ziya!”

But even as she was thinking murderous thoughts, she forced a smile upon her face and said to King Zhou, “Please have the attendants bring that jade lute up here. I will put strings on it so that I may play it for your amusement. Also, in my opinion, Jiang Ziya possesses both magic and talent. You should make him a court official.”

“Your words are wise,” King Zhou said. He then told his attendants to bring her the lute while issuing a decree naming Jiang Ziya a junior minister and the director of the imperial observatory. Jiang Ziya thanked the king and returned home to share the good news with his sworn brother, Song (4) Yiren (4,2). They celebrated for days with family and friends, and then Jiang Ziya returned to the capital to take up his new position. So he was really moving up in life … by apparently selling out to a degenerate king.

Meanwhile, the jade lute demon was literally moving up as well. Once Daji got her hands on her fellow demon’s original form, she put the jade lute at the top of the Star-Picking Tower, letting it soak up the divine essences of heaven and earth so that it may be revitalized in five years’ time. Meanwhile, Daji got back to being Daji.

One day, King Zhou was drinking himself stupid again at the tower while Daji danced for him. All the servants present were shouting praises for her dancing. But suddenly, Daji brought the festivities to a screeching halt. SOMEBODY wasn’t cheering. Oh, it’s you guys, she said as she pointed out a group of 72 palace maids whose eyes were swollen as if they had been crying instead of cheering. 

Daji interrogated them and discovered that they used to be servants to the former queen, who, if you remember, died a horrible death thanks to Daji’s machinations.

“Your former mistress was executed for treason,” Daji told those maids angrily. “You must be harboring a grudge. You will cause trouble for sure!”

When she informed the king of this, he angrily commanded that the 72 maids be taken downstairs and executed by having their heads smashed in with mallets. But Daji stopped him.

“No need to smash those traitors’ heads,” she told him. “Lock them up for now. I have an idea for how to rid the palace of this menace.”

While the 72 maids were led off to confinement, Daji explained her idea to the king, and he exclaimed, “Now THAT is the way to eliminate a menace from the palace.” 

One day, a senior minister named Jiao (1) Ge (2) was reading in his office at the secretariat when he saw a nonstop stream of people going by his window, all carrying baskets. He asked a palace guard what they were carrying, and the guard told him, “They’re delivering snakes to his highness.”

Wait, what? Snakes?

“Why does his highness want snakes?” Jiao Ge asked with surprise. 

The guard said he didn’t know, so Jiao Ge went outside to ask the civilians. They told him that the king had issued a decree that was posted at all the gates of the capital, commanding every household in the capital to produce four snakes. Obviously there weren’t that many snakes inside a busy metropolis, so they all had to go to neighboring towns and counties to procure them. But they had no idea why the king wanted so many snakes.

Jiao Ge told them to go on and make their delivery. Then, he returned to his office and was met by several of the most senior officials at court, including Huang the Flying Tiger and Bi Gan.

“Sirs, do you know about his highness’s decree that every household had to supply him with four snakes? Do you know what it’s for?” Jiao Ge asked the other officials.

“I heard people talking about it on my way back from supervising military drills yesterday,” Flying Tiger said. “Everyone was grumbling under their breaths. So I came here today to ask you all. I figured you must know.”

But nobody knew anything, so Flying Tiger told one of the guards to keep his eyes and ears open for any hint as to why the king was demanding so many snakes.

Another five or six days passed, and every household in the capital had delivered their snakes. And I can only imagine that the surrounding countryside was now overrun by rodents now that there were no snakes around to eat them. But who cares about that? Certainly not King Zhou. When he got word that all the snakes had been delivered, he informed Daji, and she put her idea into action.

The 72 palace maids who had been put under arrest a while back were now brought out. They were stripped naked and bound. And then, they were brought to the foot of the Star-Picking Tower. There, they found themselves standing on the edge of a gigantic pit 240 feet around and 50 feet deep. Inside the pit was a sea of writhing, hissing, hungry snakes. 

The minister Jiao Ge was in the secretariat that day. Suddenly, he heard torturous screams echoing from the distance. He stepped outside and was met by the guard who had been charged with gathering intel.

“Sir!” The guard said with panic, “The snakes that were delivered have been put in a pit, and today his majesty has thrown 72 naked, bound palace maids into the pit to feed to the serpents.”

Jiao Ge could not contain his outrage. He rushed into the inner palace and went to the Star-Picking Tower. There, he saw a bunch of naked maids, all tied up and wailing as they were about to be pushed into the pit.

“How can such a thing be done?!” Jiao Ge shouted. “I must see the king!”

Now, King Zhou was sitting atop the tower, ready to amuse himself with the sight of watching helpless women be consumed by a pit of snakes. So when word came that one of his ministers had chosen that exact moment to request an audience, it was a major buzzkill. Nonetheless, he summoned Jiao Ge up to the top of the tower and asked him what he wanted.

With tears rolling down his cheek, Jiao Ge said, “I could not bear to watch your highness commit such atrocities, to watch the people suffer such vile treatment. The relationship between lord and officials has already been strained, and the land is already in chaos. And now, your highness is resorting to such torture. What offense did the maids commit? A few days earlier I saw tens of thousands of civilians delivering snakes, and they were all discontent. The land has been afflicted by droughts and floods, and now people are scouring the countryside for snakes, causing disruptions everywhere. I have heard it said that ‘Poor civilians become bandits, and gathering bandits become rebels.’ Not to mention that right now rebels have already risen up in the south and east. There’s not a moment of peace, and the people are contemplating rebellion daily while conflicts break out everywhere. But instead of correcting your conduct, your highness has continued to commit atrocities daily. Such actions have never been witnessed. What kind of torture is this? Which king invented it?”

“The palace maids were a menace and were causing unrest. So I devised this punishment called the serpents’ basin.”

“All of us, whether wealthy or poor, are just flesh and blood,” Jiao Ge said. “How can your highness bear to feed someone to a pit of snakes? Besides, these are palace maids. They have been serving your highness. Whatever their crime, they do not deserve this. Please take pity on them. It would be a demonstration of your kindness and virtue.”

“Your words are not without reason,” King Zhou said. “But these maids’ conspiracy cannot be dismissed lightly. If they’re not punished like this, they will continue their subversive ways.”

Jiao Ge now became enraged. “The king is the head, and his ministers are the limbs!” he declared aloud.

Oh boy, here we go with the head and limbs analogy again. I’m pretty sure everybody who invoked that metaphor in this novel did not survive the day. As expected, this conversation went downhill pretty quickly after that. Pretty soon, King Zhou was angrily ordering his guards to throw Jiao Ge into the snake pit as well. 

But before the guards could lay a hand on him, Jiao Ge shouted, “You degenerate! Killing a loyal official is a calamity for the state. I cannot bear to watch this centuries-old dynasty be handed over to someone else. I will not know peace even in death! But I am a senior official. How can I be thrown into the snake pit?!”

He then pointed at the king and cursed, “You degenerate! By committing such atrocities, you will make the prophecy from the Grand Duke of the West come true!”

Jiao Ge then ran toward the railing and hurled himself off the Star-Picking Tower, landing with a splat and scattering his brains across the ground at the foot of the tower. 

Jiao Ge may be dead, but King Zhou was not done with him yet. He angrily decreed, “Throw Jiao Ge and the palace maids into the Serpents’ Basin. Let them all be fed to the snakes!”

As the maids were forced into the pit, they wailed toward heaven, “We haven’t done anything wrong, and yet we have been subjected to such cruel punishment! Oh Daji, you whore! We may not have been able to feast on your flesh in life, but as ghosts we will eat your soul!”

Their curses, though, were soon replaced by their dying screams and moans as the famished snakes swarmed them and burrowed into them, eating them alive from the inside, because the author has apparently never seen how a snake actually eats. 

Watching this demented, gruesome scene from way up at the top of the tower, Daji said to King Zhou, “Only this punishment can rid the palace of such threats!”

Putting his hand on her back, King Zhou told her, “Your idea is clever beyond compare.”

And as these two monsters delighted in each other’s company, their servants could feel their own hearts breaking.

[FADE TO MUSIC, BUT THEN SCREECH]

Oh, no, we are not done yet. Daji had even more wonderful ideas for the king. She told him to dig another pit to the left of the Serpents’ Basin. Inside that pit, she told him to build a hill with the spent grain left after brewing wine. Then stick branches all over the hill and hang thin slices of meat from the branches. This was called the Forest of Meat. To the right of the Serpents’ Basin, she advised him to dig a pool and fill it with wine. This would be called the Sea of Wine.

“The king possesses all the four seas, so he should enjoy endless riches,” she said. “Only your majesty should be able to enjoy this Forest of Meat and Sea of Wine.”

“My wife, this is some amazing amusement,” King Zhou said. “It would not have been possible without your imagination.”

And so, he issued the orders to build himself a mountain of bacon and a sea of Schlitz. It took some days, but when these two, umm, wonders were completed, he and Daji thoroughly indulged themselves in their new creations. While they were drinking, Daji offered up another wonderful idea.

“Music and singing are getting boring,” she said. “Your highness should command the maids and eunuchs to wrestle. The winners get rewarded with wine from the pool, while the losers are an embarrassment to your highness, so you should have their heads smashed in with mallets and throw their bodies into the meat forest. 

King Zhou was like, baby, if you want it, you’ve got it.  And so, pretty soon they were watching their maids and eunuchs wrestle each other, while the corpses of the executed losers piled up in their meat forest built on top of a mountain of distillery grain … next to a pool of wine … and a giant pit of snakes. To this day, the phrase “Wine pool and meat forest” stands as a Chinese idiom for ridiculous levels of extravagance and debauchery.

But believe it or not, there was method to this madness. The reason Daji wanted to kill and pile up the losers in these wrestling matches was so she could feast on them late at night and preserve her demonic essence, which allowed her to continue to seduce the king.

One day, Daji suddenly remembered her friend, the unfortunate jade lute demon who had been killed by Jiang Ziya. Daji had sworn to kill him to avenge her, so now she started working toward that goal.

One day, Daji and King Zhou were once again partying on the Star-Picking Tower. When he was good and drunk, Daji said, “I have a painting that I would like to show you.” She then ordered some maids to bring in the painting. It was the drawing of a huge terrace about 70 feet tall, featuring splendid bejeweled halls and towers, with jade beams and agate railings that shone brightly in the darkness. The structure was named the Deer Terrace Pavilion. 

“Your highness,” Daji said to the king, “you are the king. You possess all the wealth of the four seas. If you do not construct this terrace, you would fail to demonstrate your prowess. This would be exactly like a jade palace from the fairlands. When you hold your feasts there, celestial beings would come down from heaven to participate. You will get to meet them and attain longevity and unbounded power and happiness. We can then live happily together, enjoying all the riches and honors of this world.”

“But this would be an immense project,” the king said. “Who would be qualified to oversee its construction?”

“This task requires someone who is talented, intelligent, and well-versed in the yin and the yang,” Daji said. “In my opinion, only minister Jiang Ziya is qualified.”

So King Zhou immediately summoned Jiang Ziya, who was working in the residence of the Second Minister, Bi Gan. When the envoy arrived at the residence to tell him that he was being summoned, Jiang Ziya asked the envoy to go on back to the palace first and that he would be along shortly. Once the envoy left, Jiang Ziya cast a divination and it told him to be on guard.

Jiang Ziya now went to see Bi Gan and said, “I am grateful to you for elevating me and mentoring me day and night. Alas, I have to take my leave of you today. I don’t know when I will be able to repay your kindness.”

“Sir, why do you speak thus?” a surprised Bi Gan asked.

“My luck is due to take a turn for the worse today. Only misfortunes await me.”

“But you are not an official with the responsibility of admonishing the king,” Bi Gan said. “And he’s about to receive you. That should be a good sign. What misfortune could there be?”

“Sir,” Jiang Ziya said, “I have left you a letter under your inkstone. If you ever face a life-threatening calamity and have no way out, you can read that letter and it will help you escape danger. It’s my feeble way of repaying you. Alas, I don’t know when I will be able to see you again after we part today.”

As Jiang Ziya took his leave, Bi Gan could not bear to see him go. “Sir,” he said, “if you truly are facing trouble, let me go speak to his highness. I can protect you.”

“It is all preordained,” Jiang Ziya said. “There is nothing for you to do, and to try would only complicate matters.”

So Bi Gan had no choice but to see Jiang Ziya out. Jiang Ziya then rode to the palace and went to the Star-Picking Tower. He followed the envoy up the tower and paid his respects to King Zhou, who put him in charge of the new construction project.

“Build this Deer Terrace Pavilion for me, and you will receive a promotion and handsome rewards,” the king said. “I never break my word. Here is the drawing.”

Jiang Ziya took one look at the drawing of what he was being tasked with building and immediately thought to himself, “The capital is no place for me to stay long term. If I speak plainly and offend this degenerate king, he will no doubt refuse to listen to my advice and will get angry. That will give me an an excuse to get away and hide.”

As Jiang Ziya finished looking at the drawing, King Zhou asked him how long it would take to finish construction.

“This terrace is huge,” Jiang Ziya said. “The construction project is a tremendous undertaking. It can’t be completed in less than 35 years.”

King Zhou turned to Daji and said, “Beloved, Jiang Ziya said this will take 35 years to build. But time flies by so quickly, and life is so short. There’s no benefit to be gained from building this.”

But Daji said, “That Jiang Ziya is a foreign sorcerer. He’s spewing nonsense. How can it take 35 years to build? He’s telling you a blatant lie and should be executed by the Burning Pillar!”

The king agreed and commanded the guards to arrest Jiang Ziya and strap him to the burning pillar. Jiang Ziya now said, “My lord, the effort and resources needed to build the Deer Terrace will exhaust the people and drain the treasury. Please give up this thought and not pursue it further. Right now, rebels are rising up everywhere, and drought and floods are rampant. The storehouses are empty and the people are struggling. Yet, instead of focusing on pacifying your realm and cultivating peace with the people, your highness wastes your days drowning in wine and sex. You cavort with sycophants and keep the talented away. You have plunged the government into chaos and killed the loyal and the good. Both heaven and the people are angry with you. You have received numerous warnings, and  yet you refuse to correct your conduct. And now you listen to this vixen’s words and recklessly squander resources and harm the civilians. It will be  your ruin. I have received your kindness, so I must risk death to offer this reproach. If you don’t listen to me, your kingdom and your people will soon belong to someone else. I cannot bear to sit back and watch without saying something!”

King Zhou was like, really? You haven’t seen what happened to everyone who spouted those words before you? 

“Your scoundrel! How dare you mock me?!” the king cursed. He then barked to the guards, “Arrest him and ground him into meat paste and powder to satisfy the law of the land!”

The guards started to close in on Jiang Ziya, but unlike all the other officials who had gone before him, instead of just standing there and trading more insults with the king while being executed, Jiang Ziya turned and ran down the stairs of the tower.

This novel sight left King Zhou equally angry, stunned, and entertained. Dude, don’t you know any better? You are supposed to die! You can’t run!

“Look at that old scoundrel!” he said to Daji while laughing. “He turned and ran as soon as he heard me say ‘Arrest him.’ Doesn’t he know customs? He’s not supposed to run!”

He then told the guards, “Stop him! He’s supposed to die!” And so the guards set off after Jiang Ziya. To see what will happen to him when they catch him, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!

Music in This Episode

• “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger