Gods 016: Outrageous Fortunes

Jiang Ziya finally discovers something he’s good at, and of course it lands him in trouble.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 16 of Investiture of the Gods. 

Last time, we met a new character named Jiang Ziya, a Daoist student in the Chan sect who was unceremoniously dismissed from the ivory tower by his master. He found a home with his sworn brother, who then hooked him up with a wife, who encouraged him to make something of himself by doing some kind of business. But we soon found out that Jiang Ziya was a terrible businessman, and an even worse husband who blamed his wife for his own failures, first in the exciting world of rake-selling, and then in the even more enthralling and messy trade of flour peddling.

As we rejoin the narrative, we find that Jiang Ziya’s sworn brother, Song Yiren, was trying to help him find another line of work that he would actually be good at. Song Yiren owned a bunch of restaurants in the capital city, and he suggested that Jiang Ziya could run a different one each day and make his living that way. I guess if nothing else, it would spread out the damage.

So the next morning, Song Yiren sent Jiang Ziya to go run his restaurant over by the south gate of the capital, the Zhang Family Tavern. Now, the south gate was THE place to be in the capital. It was near the military training grounds, and the streets were always packed. It was a great place for a restaurant.

So that day, the helpers in the tavern slaughtered a bunch of sheep and pigs, prepared lots of pastries, and tidied up all the tables and chairs. Jiang Ziya was in charge of the books and sat at a desk in the back. And yet, not a single soul stepped through the doors of the tavern all morning. And then when noon came, so did a huge downpour. Because of the rain, the army did not hold its drills that day, which meant even fewer people coming by. And what’s more, it was a hot, humid day, and all the slaughtered pig and sheep carcasses soon started to stink, all the pastries turned rancid, and the wine became sour. 

Seeing that nobody was coming in, Jiang Ziya told the helpers to eat the food before it turned really bad, and then he went home that evening with his head hanging down once again.

“Brother, how was business today?” Song Yiren asked.

“I’m so ashamed, brother!” Jiang Ziya said. “I lost a lot of capital today and didn’t bring in a single coin.”

Song Yiren sighed and consoled him, saying, “Don’t fret. A gentleman bides his time. Besides, we didn’t lose that much money. Let’s try again.”

To keep him from losing heart, Song Yiren gave Jiang Ziya 50 taels of silver as capital and told a young servant to accompany him to go buy some livestock for slaughter at the restaurants. Hey, live animals can’t go rancid in the heat, right? So for the next few days, Jiang Ziya and his assistant went around and purchased a lot of pigs and sheep. Once they had collected all the livestock they needed, they started herding the animals toward the capital.

Well, as luck would have it, King Zhou’s misdeeds had pissed off heaven so much that heaven decided to show its displeasure. Floods and droughts had plagued the land for half a year, and the capital was facing starvation. Both the king and the civilians were praying to heaven for relief, and as part of the prayers, the king had decreed that no livestock would be slaughtered during the prayer period. This decree was announced to the army and the civilians and posted on all the city gates.

So that day, when Jiang Ziya drove a herd of livestock up to the city gate, the guards shouted, “He’s breaking the law! Arrest him!”

Jiang Ziya quickly turned and ran. He managed to get away, but all his livestock were confiscated by the authorities. 

Later that day, Song Yiren saw his sworn brother rushing back home with an ashen expression on his face. When Jiang Ziya recounted the ridiculous coincidence that had resulted in his latest failed business venture, Song Yiren laughed and said, “So the authorities confiscated a few taels worth of livestock. Don’t worry about it. Let’s warm up a bottle of wine and go drink in the back garden to take your mind off things.”

So the two of them went into the garden, which was a pretty little place that Jiang Ziya had not seen before. As they walked around, Jiang Ziya saw a vacant lot and asked, “Brother, why don’t you build a tower on this piece of land?”

“Why build a tower?” Song Yiren asked.

“You have shown me great kindness, but all I can give you is this little bit of advice. According to geomancy, a tower here would guarantee that your family would produce 36 jade-belted ministers and numerous gold-belted officials.”

“Oh, so you’re familiar with geomancy?” Song Yiren asked with surprise.

“Just a little bit.”

“Well then, to tell you the truth, I have tried to build a tower here seven or eight times. But everytime, as soon as I start building, the construction would burn down. So I’ve given up.”

Jiang Ziya said, “Let me choose a good date and you can try again. On the day when the main beam is raised, you just go entertain the workers. I’ll help you keep the evil spirits in check, and all will be fine.”

So Song Yiren let Jiang Ziya pick a date and opened construction on a tower once again. On the day when they raised the main beam to signal the completion of work, Song Yiren was entertaining the workers in the front parlor, while Jiang Ziya sat in the nearby Peony Pavilion and observed quietly.

Suddenly, around midnight, a wild gale kicked up, sending pebbles and sand swirling all around and starting a fire. Amid the flames, Jiang Ziya could see five malignant spirits with faces of five colors, spitting thousands of fiery rays from between their bared fangs. The fire was helped by the wind and soon became so fierce that it turned the earth red and was scorching everything in its path.

From his seat, Jiang Ziya pulled out his sword, pointed at the spirits, and shouted, “Demons, fall NOW!”

As he raised his hand, a loud thunder cracked across the sky, knocking the demons to their knees. As they kneeled, they said to Jiang Ziya, “Great immortal, we didn’t know you were here. Please exercise compassion and spare us!”

“You demons!” Jiang Ziya shouted. “You have repeatedly burned down the tower and you still harbor evil intent. You deserve to die today.”

As he raised his sword to slay the demons, they all pleaded, “Great immortal, a Daoist is always compassionate. We have cultivated our Dao for many years. We hope you will spare us for offending you this one time. If you kill us, all our years of cultivating our Dao would flow away like water!”

Jiang Ziya told them, “If you want to live, then you must not bother the people. And you must follow my commands. I order you to go to the Western Qi (2) Mountain. Wait for me there because spoiler spoiler spoiler. Once I have succeeded, you will attain the proper path as well.”

Happy to hang on to their lives, the five demons kowtowed to thank him and left for the Western Qi Mountain right away.

Just as Jiang Ziya was feeling good about himself, someone suddenly stomped out and asked, “Hey, who were you talking to?”

It was none other than his wife, Lady Ma (3). She and Song Yiren’s wife had come to the back garden to see what Jiang Ziya was up to in the middle of the night. While he was giving the demons their marching orders, all they saw was him talking to himself, and that sent Lady Ma over the edge.

“Sister-in-law, look at this!” she fumed to Song Yiren’s wife. “He’s just talking to himself. He’s never done anything in his life. How can a man who speaks such mumbo jumbo have any hope of success?!”

Enraged, Lady Ma stomped out to confront her husband, and his response did not exactly help matters.

“You women folk won’t understand. I was taming demons just now.”

“What demons?! You were speaking gibberish to yourself!”

“There’s no point in me trying to explain; you won’t understand. I’m skilled at geomancy and divination.”

“Oh, so you can predict the future now?”

“That’s my specialty. It’s just a shame that I have no place to open a fortune-telling shop.”

Wait … that … actually sounds like a halfway decent business idea for Jiang Ziya. Just then, his sworn  brother Song Yiren showed up and asked if he saw anything just now when the thunder clapped. Jiang Ziya recounted how he had tamed the five demons. Song Yiren thanked him profusely and said, “Looks like your cultivation of the Dao was worth it after all.”

Song Yiren’s wife now suggested, “Brother-in-law knows how to tell the future, but has no place to open a fortune-telling shop. Can we find a house for him to do that?”

“How much space do you need?” Song Yiren asked Jiang Ziya. “The south gate is the busiest spot in the capital. I can have my servants prepare a house there for you to use as your shop. That’s no problem at all.”

So within a few days, Jiang Ziya’s new shop was officially open for business. A couplet was pasted on the door. The line on the left said, “Speaking only of the Way,” while the one on the right said, “Never uttering a word of falsehood.” Inside the house was another couplet. One side said, “The iron mouth can predict all mortal fortunes and mishaps,” while the other side read, “Two crystal eyes observe the rise and fall of all the world.” A third couplet adorned the walls. It said, “Inside the sleeves are the immense sky and earth. Within the jug appear the eternal sun and moon.”

Jiang Ziya picked an auspicious day to launch his new venture, but it looked like it was the same old same old. Before you knew it, five months had gone by, and not a single customer had set foot in his shop.

One day, Jiang Ziya was dozing off at his desk in the shop. Suddenly, someone slapped the table really hard. Jiang Ziya startled awake, rubbed his eyes, and saw a tall man with vicious eyes standing in front of him. Wait. Could it be? A customer?

“Sir, do you want your fortune told?” Jiang Ziya asked.

“Sir, what is your name?” the man asked.

Jiang Ziya introduced himself, and the man asked him, “What is the meaning of this couplet: “Inside the sleeves are the immense sky and earth. Within the jug appear the eternal sun and moon.”?

“The first line means I know the past and future. The second line means I know the secret to immortality.”

“Well, that’s quite a boast,” the man said. “Since you know the past and future, then your predictions must be very accurate. Why don’t you tell my fortune? If your prediction is right, I will give you 20 coppers. But if you’re wrong, I’m going to give you a beating and you are not allowed to run this shop anymore.”

So as it turns out this guy was named Liu (2) Qian (2). He was a woodcutter by trade, but also had a side hustle in street thuggery. So picking on hapless small business owners was kind of his thing. 

“Just my luck,” Jiang Ziya thought to himself. “I go months without a customer, and the first one I get turns out to be a rogue.”

“Pick up one of the divining slips from the plate,” he told Liu Qian, who did as he asked and handed him the slip.

“Now, this will only come true if you do as I say,” Jiang Ziya told him.

“Sure, I’ll do as you say,” Liu Qian agreed.

“I’m going to write some directions on here. Just follow them,” Jiang Ziya said. And then he wrote the following:

“Go straight south. You will find an old man under the willow trees. You will be given 120 coppers, four pastries, and two bowls of wine.”

When he read the slip, Liu Qian scoffed, “This can’t be right. I’ve been selling firewood for 20-some years and no one has ever given me food or wine. How can this be accurate?”

“Just follow the instructions. You’ll see,” Jiang Ziya told him.

So Liu Qian picked up his load of firewood and left. While Jiang Ziya waited for him to return, some of the people nearby who heard their conversation came over and warned him, “Mr. Jiang, that Liu Qian is not one to be trifled with. If your prediction isn’t accurate, you’ll be in trouble.”

“Oh it’ll be fine,” Jiang Ziya said. 

As they stood around and shot the breeze, they suddenly saw Liu Qian stomping back this way, gripping the pole that he had used to carry his firewood. Uh oh. 

As Liu Qian walked into the shop, Jiang Ziya asked him, “So, was I right?”

Liu Qian shouted, “You are a true immortal!”

So, here’s what happened. After he left the shop, Liu Qian indeed headed straight south as Jiang Ziya instructed. Sure enough, he came upon an old man standing under a willow tree.

“Hey wood-cutter, come over here,” the old man shouted.

“Wow, it’s really as he had predicted,” Liu Qian thought to himself. He walked over to the old man, who asked him how much he wanted for the firewood.

“A hundred coppers,” Liu Qian replied, intentionally coming in 20 coppers less than what Jiang Ziya predicted.

“Hmm. This is good firewood,” the old man said. “It’s well-dried and it’s a big bundle. It’s worth 100 coppers. Can you help me bring it into my house?”

Liu Qian did as he asked and brought the firewood into the old man’s home. Now, Liu Qian was a bit of a neat freak. So before he set the firewood down, he grabbed a broom and swept the floor. Only then did he put the firewood down.

When the old man came back out with the money, he noticed the clean floor. “Wow, so tidy,” he remarked.

“Sir, I swept it,” Liu Qian told him.

“Well brother, today is my son’s wedding day,” the old man said. “I’m lucky to have run into such a good man as you, and you sold me such fine firewood.”

As he spoke, the old man went to the back. Momentarily, a child came out with a plate of four pastries, a bottle of wine, and a bowl. 

“My master’s reward for you,” the boy told Liu Qian.

“Mr. Jiang is a real immortal,” Liu Qian sighed in amazement. “But let me play a trick on him. I’ll fill the first bowl to the brim, so that there is not enough wine left to fill the second bowl. And then his prediction will be wrong.”

So Liu Qian filled the bowl to the brim and drank it. But then, as he poured the second bowl, to his surprise, there was enough wine to fill that one to the brim as well.

After Liu Qian finished the two bowls of wine, the old man came back out with two strings of coins. The first one had 100 coppers. “This is for your firewood,” the old man said as he handed that to Liu Qian. And then he handed over the second string, which had 20 coppers on it.

“Today is a happy occasion for my son, so here’s some happy money for you to buy wine with,” the old man said.

Liu Qian was stunned and thrilled. “We have a real immortal in our city!” he thought to himself. 

Fast forward back to the present, and Liu Qian was standing in Jiang Ziya’s shop, singing his praises. 

“It is a blessing to the people to have such a talent in our city,” he said. “Now we will all know our good fortunes and dodge calamities!”

Jiang Ziya was like, ahem, yeah compliments are nice, but compensation is even better, and I distinctly remember someone promising me 20 coppers if my prediction came true.

“Oh but a mere 20 coppers would be an insult,” Liu Qian said.

Yeah maybe, but it would be a nice start. But even as his mouth was running, Liu Qian wasn’t taking out any money.

“If my prediction was wrong, then just words would be fine,” Jiang Ziya said. “But it came true, so give me money already. Enough with words.”

“It would be an insult even if I gave you the 120 coppers,” Liu Qian said. All the while Jiang Ziya was like, yes, but I would take that.

“Mr. Jiang, don’t worry,” Liu Qian said. “Give me a minute.”

Liu Qian then went outside and stood under the awning. He saw a man coming from the south gate, dressed in a cotton shirt with a leather belt. As the man rushed by, Liu Qian caught up to him from behind and grabbed him.

“Hey, what are you doing?” the startled passerby asked.

“Oh nothing. I just want you to come have your fortune told,” Liu Qian replied.

“What? I’m on urgent official business. I don’t want to have my fortune told.”

“But sir, this fortune-teller is legit!” Liu Qian said. “Besides, it’s a sign of favor for someone to recommend a good doctor or good fortune-teller.”

“You’re too funny,” the man scoffed. “I don’t want to. Just let me be!”

Well, now Liu Qian got angry. “Are you going to have your fortune told or not?!” he asked brusquely.

“No!”

“Well then, let’s both jump into the river and die together!” Liu Qian said as he dragged the dumbfounded man toward the riverbank.

Bystanders now intervened and said to the passerby, “Friend, on account of Brother Liu here, just go have your fortune told.”

“But I have no reason to have my fortune told,” the man insisted.

“Look, if his prediction is wrong, then I’ll pay for you,” Liu Qian said. “But if he’s correct, then you owe me a drink.”

Hounded by this vicious looking brute, the man had no choice but to relent. He followed Liu Qian into Jiang Ziya’s shop. The guy was on urgent business, so he requested the least time-consuming option on the menu. He picked out a divining slip and handed it to Jiang Ziya.

“What do you wish to know, sir?” Jiang Ziya asked.

“I’ve been sent to collect land taxes. What do you think will happen?”

“You can go see for yourself whether my prediction is correct,” Jiang Ziya told him. “On this trip, you won’t even have to ask for the money. They’ll be waiting for you. And you will collect a total of 103 silver ingots.”

“Ok, and how much do I owe you?” the man asked.

Liu Qian cut in and said, “This is no ordinary fortune-telling. Five coppers.”

“But you’re not the fortune-teller. Why are you setting the price?” the man objected.

“Hey, no haggling!” Liu Qian said. “Besides, you’re getting a bargain at five coppers.”

Well, the guy was in a hurry, so he was like, fine, take my five coppers. Liu Qian presented the money to Jiang Ziya and thanked him. Everyone then hung around the shop, waiting to see if this prediction would come true as well.

A couple hours passed, and the tax collector returned. He entered the shop and exclaimed, “Sir, you are a living god! It really WAS 103 ingots. Your prediction was definitely worth five coppers!”

And from that day forth, Jiang Ziya’s fortune-telling skills became the talk of the town, and everyone came to patronize his shop, at five coppers a pop. So Jiang Ziya started raking in the silver, which made his wife happy and put his sworn brother’s mind at ease. Within half a year, Jiang Ziya was receiving customers from near and far. Of course, Liu Qian never did pay Jiang Ziya those 20 coppers he had promised for that initial fortune.

One day, Jiang Ziya was tending to usual hubbub in his shop when a woman dressed in deep mourning clothes came in, bowed, and said to the other patrons, “Gentlemen, please make way and let me have my fortune told.”

Everyone stepped out of the way, and this woman walked up to Jiang Ziya. He took one look at her and noticed something unusual. She’s no woman! She’s a demon!

So, if you remember way back in the first episode of the story, the goddess Nüwa had tasked three demons that lived in the tomb of the Yellow Emperor with helping to bring down the Shang Dynasty after King Zhou pissed her off by writing a lurid poem about how hot she was. One of those demons was the fox demon that assumed the form of Daji and became the queen. One of the other two demons was a jade lute demon, and once Daji was situated in the palace, this jade lute demon often visited her in secret for some girl talk, and some feasting on human flesh as they dined on random unfortunate servants in the palace. It was getting to the point where human bones were starting to pile up at the bottom of the pond in the royal garden.

That day, after another night of gossip and haute cuisine, the jade lute demon left the palace and was on her way back to her nest. As she approached the south gate of the capital, she heard lots of commotion coming from a nearby shop. She took a look and saw that it was Jiang Ziya’s fortune-telling emporium, and she thought, what the heck, I’ll go have my fortune told, just for laughs. So she transformed herself into a woman and went in.

But she did not count on Jiang Ziya being the real deal. As he gazed upon her, Jiang Ziya thought to himself, “You demon. You’ve come to test my skills. This is the perfect opportunity to rid the world of you.”

He turned to the other patrons and said, “Gentlemen, as the saying goes, ‘Men and women should not commingle.’ Please let this lady go first, and then I’ll tend to each of you in turn.”

Everyone agreed, and so the jade lute demon sat down in the shop. 

“Miss, may I see your right hand?”

“You read palms, too, sir?” the demon asked.

“I’ll read your palm first, and then I’ll ask for your birthdate,” Jiang Ziya replied.

Smiling, the demon extended her right hand. Jiang Ziya quickly grabbed her tightly by the wrist. He then concentrated all his energy in his eyes, stared straight at her, and fixed her in her seat, all without saying a word.

“Sir, why do you not say anything and just take my hand?” the demon objected. “I’m a woman. Let go! Everyone is watching! How can you do this?”

All the spectators saw this and chimed in, chiding Jiang Ziya, “You’re an old man. How can you do such a thing?! You’re such a pervert and liar! We are in the shadow of the king. How can you act in such a despicable manner?!”

“Everyone, this woman is not human; she’s a demon,” Jiang Ziya said.

“Nonsense!” everyone said. “She’s clearly a woman. How can you claim she’s a demon?!”

As the commotion escalated, Jiang Ziya thought to himself, “If I let go, she’s going to vanish, and then how can I clear this up? I should end her right now, so as to make my name.”

But he had nothing in his hand that he could use to attack the demon. He looked around and saw an inkstone on the table. He grabbed it and smacked the demon squarely on her head. With a loud crack, the woman’s skull split open, and blood and brain came spilling out, staining her clothes. And still, Jiang Ziya did not let go. He kept his hand on her wrist, preventing her from changing forms.

Meanwhile, all the stunned onlookers shouted, “Don’t let him get away! The fortune-teller has committed murder!”

By now, a huge crowd had gathered around the shop. This soon drew the attention of a passing official. This was Bi (3) Gan (4), the Second Minister at court. When he asked his attendants what all the commotion was about, all the spectators said, “The minister is here. Take Jiang Ziya to him!”

Bi Gan reined in his horse and asked what was going on. Someone in the crowd kneeled and said, “Sir, there’s a fortune-teller here named Jiang Ziya. Just now, a woman came to have her fortune told. He took a liking to her and tried to take advantage of her. She was chaste and refused. In his resentment, he picked up an inkstone and struck her on the head, killing her. Pity that poor woman. She is covered in her own blood.”

Bi Gan was enraged and ordered his men to arrest Jiang Ziya. Jiang Ziya came over and kneeled in front of Bi Gan’s horse, dragging the dead woman’s body behind him and still keeping one hand clenched around her wrist.

“Your hair is all white, so how can you not know the law?” Bi Gan said. “You tried to take advantage of a woman in broad daylight, and when she refused, you killed her! This is unpardonable! Once this is sorted out, you will be punished to the full extent of the law.”

“Sir, please allow me to explain,” Jiang Ziya said. “I have studied and obeyed proper customs since my youth. I would never dare to break the law. But this is no woman. It’s a demon. In recent days, I have noticed a demonic aura filling the palace and the kingdom has been beset with disaster. As a citizen of the capital, I am obligated to repay his highness’s kindness by ridding the city of demons and evil spirits. This woman really is a demon. Please examine this matter closely.”

But everyone else kneeled and told Bi Gan, “Sir, he’s a traveling snake oil salesman. He’s adept at running his mouth to cover up his misdeeds. Don’t be fooled. We all saw it. He killed her with wicked intent. If you believe him, then it would be an injustice for her and for all the civilians!”

So this is not looking good for Jiang Ziya. To see what trouble he’s in for, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!

Music in This Episode

• “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
• “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)
• “Day of Recon” by Max Surla/Media Right Productions (from YouTube audio library)
• “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)