Gods 002: Too Hot to Trot

Our story opens with a lesson in governing 101: Do not ogle creation goddesses through poem.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 2 of Investiture of the Gods. 

In the first episode of this series, I gave you a quick introduction and some background for the novel. So now, let’s get into it.

We begin in the seventh year of the reign of King Zhou (4) of the Shang Dynasty, which would put us … oh around the year 1068 B.C. But really, the dates are all kind of guesswork anyway, and they don’t REALLY matter for our purposes. So let’s just say that a long, long time ago, in a semi-mythical empire with its capital located in present-day Henan (2,2) Province in central China, things were swell. 

The Shang Dynasty had been chugging along for nearly 650 years at this point, spanning the reigns of 28 kings. Its present ruler, King Zhou (4), was in his prime. He was a stout specimen of a man. When he was still just the crown prince, he and his father and their court officials were strolling around a garden one day when suddenly a pavilion collapsed and one of the main cross beams came crashing down on them. But the future King Zhou easily caught the beam and propped it up while they put a new column in place. 

This mighty king was aided by a talented and loyal court filled with wise civilian officials and valiant generals. He also had a queen and two concubines who were all virtuous and chaste in their behavior, and mild and gentle in their demeanor. There was peace and prosperity throughout the realm. The civilians happily tended to their professions, the weather was fair, and all 800-some regional lords large and small were loyal to the Shang court. 

Well, all except for that little blip in the North Sea district, where 72 marquises had risen up in rebellion in the second month of the seventh year of King Zhou’s reign. King Zhou dispatched the Grand Tutor Wen (2) Zhong (4) to go put down this uprising. Wen Zhong was the highest official at court and so capable and loyal that, as King Zhou’s father lay dying, he made Wen Zhong the guardian of his son. So King Zhou sent Grand Tutor Wen (2) to go handle this minor distraction and thought nothing more of it. In fact, this was such a non-issue that we never actually read any more about this little rebellion in the novel.

So anyway, one day, King Zhou held court in his capital city, Zhaoge (1,1). He asked his officials if anybody had any business that required his attention. From the row of officials on the right stepped forth the prime minister, Shang (1) Rong (2), who said, “Your humble prime minister, having been tasked with overseeing the rules of the court, dare not withhold an important matter. Tomorrow is the 15th day of the third month. It is the birthday of the goddess Nüwa (3,1). I invite your highness to go to her temple and offer incense.”

“What has Nüwa done that I, the king, should personally go to offer incense to her?” King Zhou asked.

Uhh, dude, are you seriously asking? I mean, this is like Kingship 101 stuff. Oh wait, this is a plot device to introduce people to Nüwa in case they have no idea who she is, isn’t it? Ok, let’s play along.

“She is an ancient goddess and possesses saintly virtues,” the prime minister Shang Rong said. “When the enraged demon Gonggong (4,1) headbutted Buzhou (4,1) Mountain, it made the heavens tilt to the northwest and the earth sink toward the southeast. But Nüwa mended the heavens with multicolored stones. For this service, the people built temples in her honor.”

Oh, and Shang Rong doesn’t talk about this in the novel, but aside from patching up a hole in the sky, Nüwa was also credited with the far less impressive, barely worth mentioning act of … oh, creating humanity. It’s said that she started by molding some humans out of yellow earth, and these individually handcrafted figures became the noble aristocrats. But then, after working on this for a bit, Nüwa maybe realized that she had bitten off more than she could chew with this little side project to create a whole sentient species. So she just dragged some strings across a puddle of mud and slinged the mud around to make the rest of humanity. And these mass-produced drops of mud became the peasants. So there you go, 1 percenters literally written into your creation myth. Nonetheless, Nüwa was literally the Chinese creation goddess, so yeah, it might be worth getting off your butt and going to offer a few sticks of incense to her every now and then, even if you are the king.

Anyway, King Zhou agreed with his prime minister’s suggestion, so the next day, the imperial entourage headed to the temple of Nüwa. As they left the capital through the south gate, they saw that every household was burning incense and hanging up brightly colored silks in celebration of the special occasion. Protected by 3,000 armored cavalry, King Zhou and his court arrived at the impressive temple.

The king exited his carriage, went to the main hall, and burned incense. He then looked around the majestic interior of the temple. Just as he was enjoying the sights, a wild gale suddenly swept through the hall and blew open the curtains that had veiled the statue of Nüwa. King Zhou gazed upon this mother goddess, this mender of heaven, this creator and savior of humanity, and only one thought came to his mind.

“Dude, she’s hot!”

Uhhhhh … what? 

“Even though I am king and possess all the four seas and a large harem, I have no woman who can rival such beauty,” King Zhou thought to himself. 

As he contemplated that thought, he suddenly asked his attendants to bring him brush and ink. He wetted the brush on the inkstone and wrote a poem on one of the white walls of the temple. It said:

The scene is gay with phoenixes and dragons,
But they are only clay and golden paint.
With brows like winding hills in jade green,
And sleeves like graceful clouds, you’re
As pear blossoms soaked with raindrops,
Charming as peonies enveloped in mist.
If you come alive with sweet voice and gentle moves,
I would bring you back to my palace for my use.

When his court officials read this poem, they were all like, “Uhh, are you seriously ogling the creation goddess?!”

Prime Minister Shang Rong bowed and told the king that this was REALLY NOT COOL. Nüwa is in the highest pantheon of gods. She can literally control whether your people prosper, or die of famine and war! What are you doing desecrating her temple with a poem ogling her?! Hurry up and wash it off before any civilians see it and start talking about your lack of virtue.

To all this, King Zhou was like, nah, she’s cool. I mean, look: She’s hot! She’s REALLY, REALLY HOT! I just wrote a poem about how hot she is, nothing else. Don’t be such a wet blanket. And as for civilians, well, I AM king, the ruler of everyone, so why shouldn’t I let all my subjects see my beautiful handwriting and masterful composition … and recognize what a hot creation goddess we have?

And then, King Zhou sent out word for the entourage to return to the capital. All the officials looked at each other in silence. Are you gonna talk some sense into him? I’m not. Are you? Well, I guess we’re in agreement. Let’s just hope our creation goddess is cool and doesn’t blow her lid over this.

While King Zhou and his court returned to the palace, somebody else was going home as well. The goddess Nüwa had gone to call on the Three Emperors, basically the mythical first rulers of China who were also supernatural deities. That’s why she wasn’t in when King Zhou visited her temple. But soon after he left, she came home, was welcomed by her maids, sat down in her majestic hall, leaned back and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ON MY WALL?!!

“That wicked, corrupt king!” Nüwa fumed as she read the poem left by King Zhou. “Instead of acting with virtue and morality to protect his realm, he dares to disrespect heaven and insult me? How despicable! His dynasty has lasted 600-some years. I guess it has run its course. If I don’t give him some payback, then he would think I have no powers.”

At that, she immediately set off for the Shang capital, riding on a phoenix, intent on raining down some divine retribution. But as she approached the city, her path through the clouds was suddenly blocked by two red beams of light that shot up toward the heavens from below. She looked down and saw that they were emanating from the two sons of King Zhou, who were paying their respects to their father.

Taking these beams of light as a sign, Nüwa recognized that King Zhou’s allotted time was not yet up, and she did not dare to go against the will of heaven. Yet, she returned to her temple HIGHLY displeased, so she decided to do something about it.

She told an acolyte to fetch her golden gourd. She opened the top and pointed with one hand. Immediately, a brilliant white beam shot out from the gourd and rose some 50 feet in the air. As the light traveled, it carried a multi-colored banner. This was the Demon-Summoning Pennant. Within moments, an ill wind kicked up, eerie fogs enveloped the earth, and dark clouds gathered overhead. After the wind blew for a while, hordes of demons showed up at the temple, awaiting her orders.

Nüwa now told her acolyte, “Dismiss them all, except for the three demons that reside in the grave of the Yellow Emperor.”

As a side note, this Yellow Emperor was one of the Three Emperors that we mentioned earlier and was basically credited as the mythical creator of Chinese civilization. As for the three demons living in his tomb, these included a Fox Demon, a Nine-Headed Pheasant Demon, and a Jade Lute Demon. Once all the other demons had trudged off, no doubt muttering under their breath about being summoned to an all-hands-on-deck meeting for nothing, those three demons kneeled in front of Nüwa.

“Listen to my secret command,” she told them. “The Shang Dynasty is fading and — spoiler, spoiler, spoiler, which I will skip so we don’t give away the ending on page 6 like the novel does. Anyway, this is the will of heaven. You three demons should change forms and embed yourselves in the palace and lead the king astray. When the invasion comes, help it succeed. But do not harm the living. Once you have accomplished your task, I shall reward you with immortality.”

The three demons kowtowed and thanked Nüwa, and then turned into a clear breeze and vanished.

Meanwhile in the Shang palace, King Zhou was feeling a disturbance in the force. No, not because a vengeful creation goddess was coming to get him, but because he couldn’t get her hotness out of his mind. Ever since that day at the temple, he couldn’t stop thinking about her, to the point where he was losing sleep, skipping meals, and finding no delight in all the women in his harem, who now appeared like mere lumps of clay. With this weighing on his mind, he paid no attention to the affairs of state.

One day, a thought suddenly occurred to him, and he quickly summoned the minister Fei (4) Zhong (4). This Fei (4) Zhong (4) was one of the king’s favorites, along with another minister called You (2) Hun (2). Both of these guys were sycophants, and they had been busy currying even more favor with King Zhou while the Grand Tutor Wen (2) Zhong (4) was away on campaign against the rebels. Fei Zhong and You Hun had gotten so close to the king that he listened to their every word.

That day, Fei Zhong came as he was summoned, and King Zhou told him, “When I was offering incense at the temple of Nüwa, I accidentally caught a glimpse of her unrivaled beauty. Now, none of my women pleases me. What should I do? Do you have any ideas to cheer me up?”

“My lord,” Fei Zhong said, “you are literally king among men. You possess the four seas, and your virtue matches that of the ancient sage kings. All that exists beneath heaven belongs to you. Whatever you desire, you can attain. So what’s so hard about this? Just send word to the four grand dukes and order every marquis under their command to select 100 beauties and send them to the palace for your enjoyment. You will have a nonstop stream of beauties to choose from.”

So, a quick word here about these four grand dukes that Fei Zhong just mentioned. Think of the Shang political structure as kind of like that from Game of Thrones. You have powerful lords that reign in the north, south, east, and west, and these were the four grand dukes. Within the territories of these grand dukes, there are hundreds of marquises who rule over smaller territories and are loyal to their regional grand duke. And as we mentioned earlier, there were 800 marquises. So if each of them sends 100 women to the palace, well, that’s a lot of young women, young girls in some cases, being separated from their families and sent to an uncertain fate in the imperial harem.

King Zhou, though, LOVED this idea. The next day at court, he commanded that a decree be sent forth for every marquis to send 100 beauties, no matter their class or status, as long as they’re pleasant to look at, have graceful demeanors, and know their courtesies. 

Before he even finished dictating his decree, the Prime Minister Shang Rong stepped forward and advised against it. This is what he said:

“When the lord acts wisely, all his subjects will tend to their professions happily and follow him without needing to be commanded. Your highness has no fewer than a thousand beauties in your harem already. If you suddenly demand even more, you might disappoint the people. I have heard it said that, ‘If you rejoice with the people, they will rejoice with you. If you share their concerns, they will share yours.’ Right now the people are suffering from serious droughts and floods. How can your highness worry about women? In ancient times, the sage kings Yao (2) and Shun (4) rejoiced with the people and ruled the land with compassion and virtue. They did not resort to violence or bloodshed. During their reigns, lucky stars shone brightly in the heavens, and sweet dew rained down from above. Phoenixes perched in palace courtyards, while miracle herbs grew in the wild. The people lacked for nothing, pedestrians yielded the way to each other, dogs did not bark, rain came down in abundance in the night, and two ears grew from every stalk of rice. That is what it looks like when one rules wisely. Right now, your highness is seeking shortsighted pleasures, filling your eyes with lust and your ears with lewd music. Your face is flushed from drinking, and you spend your days touring gardens and hunting in the mountains and forests. That is what it looks like to rule poorly and bring about the fall of the dynasty. As the prime minister, your old servant is tasked with overseeing the conduct of the court, and I have served three generations of rulers. I feel obliged to point this out to your highness. I pray that your highness will pursue the path of virtue, compassion, and honor. Let the land be graced with your even temperament, and the people will naturally be enriched, the land will know peace, all within the four seas shall be harmonious and prosperous, and you and your subjects will enjoy endless blessings. Right now, there is conflict in the North Sea district, so you should enhance your virtue, love your people, and avoid costly expenses. Even the sage kings Yao and Shun could do no better than that. So why must you select more beauties? Your old servant is foolish and does not know what is taboo to say, so please bear with me.”

After enduring this prolonged nagging, King Zhou thought for a while and then replied, “Your words are wise; I will not pursue this course of action.”

And then, court adjourned, all the officials left, and King Zhou returned to his palace.

In the fourth month of the next year, the four grand dukes led all 800 marquises to the capital to pay tribute to the king. At that point, Grand Tutor Wen (2) still had not returned from his campaign, and the affairs of the court were being run by Fei (4) Zhong (4) and You (2) Hun (2), the two sycophants who had become the king’s favorites. As such, the two expected to get their palms greased by all the marquises coming to pay tribute to the king. 

Most everyone knew how the game was played, and they fell into line. But there was one marquise who refused to play along. His name was Su (1) Hu (4). He was the marquise of the state of Jizhou (4,1), which is the region where present-day Beijing is located. He had an indomitable spirit and fiery temperament, and he was unyielding. He knew nothing of shady dealings, and he would explode at the slightest injustice or wrongdoing. So, when the two sycophants took inventory of all the presents they had received from the marquises, guess who was the only one who did not send anything along. 

The next day, King Zhou presided over the court, and his attendant announced that all the marquises were waiting outside, ready to renew their pledge of allegiance to him. On the advice of prime minister Shang Rong, the king summoned only the four grand dukes. They came in, kneeled, and paid their respects. The king addressed them with the customary kind words, and then ordered Shang Rong and Bi (3) Gan (4), the top two officials at court, to host a banquet to welcome them. And then court adjourned.

When King Zhou returned to his palace, he summoned his two sycophants and asked them, “You previously advised me to order the four grand dukes to send beauties to me. I was going to issue that decree, but the prime minister Shang Rong advised against it. Right now, the four grand dukes are right here. I can call them into court tomorrow morning and give them those instructions in person, so that once they return to their domains, they can select beauties and send them to the palace, and there would be no need to send envoys back and forth. What do you think?”

Fei Zhong kneeled and said, “Your highness was acting virtuously by taking the prime minister’s advice. All the officials and your subjects know of this good deed and revere you for it. If you go back on it now, you would be ignoring the advice of your officials and people. That must not happen. But your servant has recently learned that Su Hu, the marquise of Jizhou, has a daughter who is a divine beauty and has great temperament, fully deserving of the honor of serving you. Besides, if you bring only her to the palace, you would not upset the whole land.”

So there you go. This is what you get when you don’t grease the palms of sycophants in power. They get even with you by getting your daughter drafted into the king’s harem. King Zhou was very pleased with this suggestion, and immediately summoned the marquise Su Hu to tell him, hey great news for you! I would like to take your daughter as a concubine.

As soon as Su Hu heard that, he said sternly, “My lord, you already have thousands of women, all charming and beautiful and possessing talents to please all your senses. Why do you listen to rotten advice from your servants that would plunge your highness into dishonor? My daughter is crude and ignorant of the rites and has a very homely face. She is qualified in neither beauty nor virtue. Please take my humble advice and immediately behead the wicked men who suggested this to you, and the land will henceforth know that your highness takes good care of your mind and body and is not a womanizer.”

King Zhou started laughing. Dude, you are kidding, right? I’m offering your daughter a chance to be my consort, and giving you a chance to be the father-in-law of the king! You would be CRAZY to turn this down. 

But Su Hu was not crazy. He was just angry. He raised his voice and launched into a whole lecture about how improper this was and how the king was acting like the corrupt last ruler of the previous Xia (4) Dynasty, whose actions had brought about the end of his house’s reign. One thing led to another, and before you knew it, King Zhou was irate and was ordering the guards to take Su Hu outside and lop off his head. 

But just then, the two sycophant ministers intervened. They told the king, “Su Hu deserves to be punished, but his offense came as a result of your highness wanting to take his daughter for a concubine. If the people hear about this, they would think that your highness values women above virtue and that you stifled speech from a good man because you couldn’t get his daughter. Why not release him back to his state instead, and then he would be grateful and send his daughter to the palace to serve your highness. Then, your subjects will hear that you showed great tolerance, allowed your servants to speak freely, and protected officials who have rendered service. You would be killing two birds with one stone. Please allow us to proceed thusly.”

See how devious these sycophants were? They set up Su Hu to get him back for not greasing their palms, but on the surface, it looks like they were intervening to save his life. In any case, King Zhou listened to them as usual, and decreed that Su Hu be spared, but he was to immediately return to his state and was not allowed to linger in the capital.

When Su Hu returned to his guest quarters in the capital, his entourage greeted him and asked what happened during his audience with the king. Su Hu flew into a rage and cursed, “That corrupt king! He thinks nothing of nurturing his ancestors’ enterprise and instead listens to the advice of corrupt sycophants. He wanted to choose my daughter as a concubine. This must be the doing of Fei Zhong and You Hun. They are distracting the king with wine and women so they can take control of the court. When I heard the king’s decree, I spoke honestly against it. That corrupt king said I was disobeying him and wanted to arrest and punish me. The two sycophants then advised him to let me return to my state, suggesting that out of gratitude for his leniency, I would send my daughter to the capital to serve him and fulfill those crooks’ scheme. I figured that with Grand Tutor Wen (2) far away on campaign, those sycophants are wielding power at court. That corrupt king must be drowning himself in wine and women. Chaos will engulf the court, the land, and the people. Pity that the Shang’s enterprise will crumble to dust. If I don’t send my daughter to the palace, the king will no doubt send an army to attack us. But if I send her to the palace, when that corrupt king commits misdeeds in the future, people will mock me for being a fool. You all must give me some ideas.”

When his officers heard all this, they said in unison, “We have heard that ‘When a ruler is immoral, ministers may abandon him and seek their futures abroad.’ Right now, the king shirks the virtuous and indulges in women. Chaos is imminent. Why don’t we storm out of the capital and declare our independence? We would be able to preserve the inheritance from our ancestors and protect the lives of our families.”

Su Hu was steaming at that point, and so this sounded like a really good idea. Without a second thought, he declared, “A man does not engage in underhanded dealings. Bring me brush, ink, and paper. I will write a poem on the palace gate to express my determination to never again serve the Shang Dynasty.”

And here’s what Su Hu wrote:

You have ignored the rites between king and ministers,
You corrupt the five cardinal virtues of mankind.
So I, Su Hu, the Marquis of Jizhou, have decided,
To never again offer obeisance to the Shang.

After posting this “You didn’t fire me, I quit!” letter on the palace gate, Su Hu led his entourage out of the capital and went back to the state of Jizhou.

Meanwhile, in the palace, King Zhou was just wondering whether Su Hu was actually going to send in his daughter as thanks for his lord’s leniency. Suddenly, the guardian of the palace gate rushed in, kneeled, and said, “Your servant saw Su Hu leave a seditious poem on the palace gate. I dare not conceal it from your majesty.”

When King Zhou read the poem, he cursed aloud, “How dare that crook be so rude?! I exercised heavenly virtue in sparing that rat and ordering him back to his state. But he left this poem on the palace gate, mocking the court. Such a crime must not go unpunished! Mobilize six armies. I will personally lead them on campaign and wipe his state off the map!”

Welp, now we’ve done it. Su Hu’s explosive poem has just triggered royal retributions. To see how this conflict will get settled, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. And remember to visit chineselore.com for transcripts, supplemental materials, and links to connect with me on social media and to review and support the show. Thanks for listening!

Music in This Episode

• “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
• “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)
• “Comfortable Mystery 3 – Film Noire” by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (Source: http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/index.html?isrc=USUAN1100536; Artist: http://incompetech.com/)
• “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)