Gods 081: Monkey Madness
Yang Jian gets some divine assistance as he attempts to slay a slippery simian foe.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 81 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, the combined forces of the Zhou army and the nobles were continuing to face off at Mengjin against a Shang army led by Yuan (2) Hong (2), the monkey demon of Osmanthus Mountain. The Chan Daoist warrior Yang Jian had slayed a few of Yuan Hong’s fellow demons, but more just kept showing up. When we left them, Yang Jian and his comrade Nezha were fighting against Yang (2) Xian (4) the goat demon and Dai (4) Li (3) the dog demon.
After fighting Yang Jian for 30 bouts, the goat demon Yang Xian turned and rode away. When Yang Jian gave chase, the demon suddenly spat out a white beam of light that enveloped himself and his horse, and amid this beam, Yang Xian showed his true form and tried to attack Yang Jian. But Yang Jian transformed into a fierce tiger, and tiger beats goat any day. Yang Xian tried to run, but Yang Jian was quick with his saber and cut the goat demon in half. He then cut off the goat’s head and shouted back toward Jiang Ziya, “Commander, I have killed another of the demons of Osmanthus Mountain!”
Meanwhile, the dog demon Dai Li was fighting Nezha. Suddenly, Dai Li spat out a bowl-sized red bead toward Nezha’s head, which forced Nezha to retreat. Yang Jian, however, charged over and took on Dai Li. After 20s-some exchanges, Dai Li turned and rode away, and Yang Jian pursued. Dai Li now spat out another red bead, but Yang Jian dodged it and then summoned his Sky-Barking Hound. Dai Li saw the hound coming at him, and tried to run. But the hound grabbed him with its teeth, and Yang Jian finished him off with one swing of the saber before returning to camp to celebrate his victory.
On the other side, the Shang commander Yuan Hong was quite irritated at seeing two more of his comrades not only killed but exposed as demons. When he returned to camp, all his officers were chattering amongst themselves about what they had seen. Suddenly, word came that another warrior was outside, seeking an audience. Yuan Hong called him in. This guy was tall, had two horns on his head, a mouth that protruded like a snout, and pointy ears. He was dressed in golden armor and helmet, and a red battle robe.
Yuan Hong asked for his name, and the warrior introduced himself as Jin (1) Dasheng (4,1) of Osmanthus Mountain. So this was another of Yuan Hong’s demon friends, and he was an ox demon who wielded a three-tipped saber and was very strong. He and Yuan Hong knew each other, but Yuan Hong just pretended to not know him in order to fool others.
The next day, Jin Dasheng rode out on his unicorn and demanded battle. When Jiang Ziya asked who would go face him, the general Zheng (4) Lun (2) volunteered. So he rode out on his golden-eyed beast with his Demon-Quelling Staff.
After they traded names, Zheng Lun said to his foe, “You don’t look human. How dare you block our army and disobey heaven? Submit now, and help us exterminate the tyrant. Otherwise, you will bring disaster and humiliation upon yourself!”
Jin Dasheng was infuriated by those words, and the two quickly came to blows. After hacking at each other for a while, Jin Dasheng suddenly spat out a bezoar, or a gallstone made of ox bile. It was the size of a bowl and flew at Zheng Lun’s head. Zheng Lun couldn’t dodge in time and took the blow squarely in the face, which sent him crashing to the ground. Jin Dasheng then raised his saber and cut Zheng Lun in half.
While Jin Dasheng returned to camp to report his victory, Jiang Ziya lamented Zheng Lun’s death.
“Zheng Lun had rendered great service,” he sighed while his tears fell like rain. “Since he submitted to the Zhou with Su (1) Hu (4), he had escorted provisions for our campaign and done great work for our king. Who knew that he would die at the hand of nobody? How depressing!”
Then, he asked who would go avenge Zheng Lun, and Yang Jian immediately stepped forth. Jiang Ziya consented, so Yang Jian rode out and demanded to speak with Jin Dasheng. Jin Dasheng came out, and they traded names and started to tangle, both wielding three-tipped sabers. After 30-some bouts, Jin Dasheng again spat out his gallstone. Yang Jian hadn’t had a chance to use his magic mirror to see what kind of demon Jin Dasheng was, so he was caught off guard and had to retreat toward the south.
Jin Dasheng gave chase. As he closed in, Yang Jian pulled out his mirror and shined it at his foe, revealing that Jin Dasheng was a water buffalo. Now, Yang Jian turned and tried to take him on again. But suddenly, a fragrant breeze blew in from ahead, accompanied by a colorful cloud. Within the cloud emerged a pair of yellow banners, flanking a female Daoist, seated atop a blue phoenix and accompanied by four pairs of young girl acolytes.
“Yang Jian, come pay your respects to our mistress,” the acolytes shouted.
Yang Jian now went to them and paid his respects.
“Yang Jian, I am none other than the goddess Nüwa (3,1)” the female Daoist said.
So we haven’t talked about Nüwa since episode 1. She was the creation goddess whose temple King Zhou desecrated by writing a lurid poem on its walls about how hot her statue was. That ticked off Nüwa something fierce, so she tasked the fox demon and her friends to help bring about the downfall of the house of Shang, thus kickstarting our whole novel.
“The House of Shang is at an end, while the house of Zhou is ascendant,” Nüwa now continued. “I have come to help you tame the demons of Osmanthus Mountain.”
While Yang Jian stood and watched, Nüwa told one of her acolytes, take this treasure and go bring that beast to heel.”
Momentarily, Jin Dasheng stomped onto the scene with saber in hand. The acolyte stood in his way and shouted, “You animal! Don’t be rude in the presence of our mistress! I have come to apprehend you on her command!”
Jin Dasheng was irate that this girl was talking smack to him, so he raised his saber and attacked. The acolyte unleashed the treasure, which was a Demon-Taming Cord. A divine warrior appeared and ran the cord through Jin Dasheng’s nostrils. He then banged on the demon’s back a few times with a bronze mallet, and as a thunder cracked, Jin Dasheng reverted to his true form.
Yang Jian kneeled and thanked Nüwa for her help. She told him, “Take the ox demon back to camp for punishment. I will also help you tame the monkey demon.”
So Yang Jian took his leave and brought the water buffalo back to camp. Jiang Ziya was worrying about him after hearing that he had fled toward the South while being chased. Nezha tried to reassure him, but Jiang Ziya said, “The Grand Duke of the East has not yet arrived with his forces, and now we’re being blocked by the Seven Demons of Osmanthus Mountain. That’s why I’m worried.”
But just then, Yang Jian returned and reported what happened. Jiang Ziya and company now went out to the camp gate and found the ox demon tied up and kneeling on the ground. Jiang Ziya told the general Nan Gongkuo to do his duty, so Nangong Kuo pulled out his saber and chopped off the ox’s head, to the cheer of all 800,000 troops present.
Jiang Ziya ordered the head be hung up for display and then returned to camp. He then asked Yang Jian how many demons of Osmanthus Mountain he had killed. Yang Jian told him six. Jiang Ziya then ordered his officers to prepare to raid the enemy camp around 7 p.m. that night. He also told Yang Jian, “You should go take on Yuan Hong alone. Once you have captured that demon, success will be ours.”
“May I go with Nezha, so as to make it easier?” Yang Jian asked.
Jiang Ziya consented, and everyone prepared for action.
In the Shang camp, Yuan Hong got word that another of his demon friends had bitten the dust, which made him even more worried. He met with two of his human officers, Yin (1) Pobai (4,4) and Lei (2) Kai (1).
“His highness commanded us to defend this place,” Yuan Hong said. “Even though we have a lot of soldiers, we have few capable warriors. The capital hasn’t sent any reinforcements for days, and we haven’t reported any victories lately. I worry that the king will start to get concerned, which would not bode well.”
So Yuan Hong dispatched an officer to go to the capital and request reinforcements. But later that night, he suddenly heard the sound of explosives outside, followed by the roar of battle. The enemy’s raiding party had just crashed into his camp. The Grand Duke of the South and his 200 nobles led the way. The Grand Duke of the North charged into the left camp. Li Jing, Wei Hu, and thunderbolt charged into the right camp, while Yang Jian and Nezha stormed toward the command tent to find Yuan Hong.
Getting word of the raid, Yuan Hong rushed out, mounted his horse, and rode out to fight. He ran smack dab into Yang Jian, and they started trading blows. All around them, Shang soldiers were falling by the tens of thousands, as their bodies covered the field and their blood flowed in rivers as the sounds of the dead and dying filled the night air.
Amid the fierce battle, Yuan Hong showed his true form, flew into the air, and brought his steel staff down on Yang Jian’s head. He made contact, but Yang Jian seemed impervious as sparks flew. Yang Jian now transformed into a beam of golden light, took to the air and brought his saber down on Yuan Hong. But Yuan Hong also transformed into a column of white smoke and protected himself.
“Damn monkey! Stop your tricks!” Yang Jians shouted. “I’m going to capture you and skin you alive!”
Yuan Hong shot back, “What skills do you have, that you’d dare to kill all my comrades? I will have it out with you and cut you to pieces to avenge them!”
And so both of them started going through their respective bags of tricks, turning into anything and everything as they tried to one up each other. After this went on for a while, Yuan Hong thought to himself, “The enemy has sacked my camp. I can’t hold out here. Let me lure him to Osmanthus Mountain. Once he’s in my lair, he will not be able to escape.”
So Yuan Hong abandoned camp and fled toward Osmanthus Mountain. In his wake, the nobles slaughtered the remaining Shang army before returning to camp at dawn.
Yang Jian, meanwhile, fast-traveled after Yuan Hong. Suddenly, he lost sight of his prey. He stopped and scoured the area with his third eye. That’s when he spotted a strange looking boulder by the side of the road. That was Yuan Hong in disguise. So Yang Jian promptly transformed himself into a stone cutter and approached the boulder with augur and hammer in hand. Yuan Hong realized his cover was blown, so he vanished into the breeze. And once again, they resumed their chase, transforming into this or that as they headed into Osmanthus Mountain.
Once he was on the mountain, Yang Jian started looking all around. Suddenly, he heard a cry from below a cliff. Before he knew it, he was besieged by a swarm of thousands of little monkeys, each beating him with a staff. Figuring he couldn’t fend off this simian swarm, Yang Jian turned into a beam of golden light and took off.
When he went around a hill, he suddenly heard divine music and saw a swirl of colorful clouds as the goddess Nüwa descended. Yang Jian kneeled and said, “I didn’t realize it was your ladyship and failed to get out of the way. Please pardon me.”
Nüwa said, “You may be Jade Tripod’s disciple and skilled at transformation, but you cannot tame this demon. Let me give you something to help you.”
So she handed him an item and then took off. Yang Jian opened it and saw that it was a magical map named the Topographical Diagram of the Kingdom. Following instructions, he hung the map on a tree and then went back into Osmanthus Mountain and sought out Yuan Hong.
When Yuan Hong saw him coming again, he shouted, “Yang Jian, you must be looking to die!”
Yang Jian laughed, “You’re the one who’s doomed!”
The two now engaged in another fierce battle. After a while, Yang Jian turned and fled, and Yuan Hong followed him off the mountain. As the chase went on, they approached a high peak. Yang Jian hurried onto the peak, and Yuan Hong followed.
Little did Yuan Hong know that this was actually the magic map in disguise. When he reached the top of the peak, he suddenly realized that he couldn’t get descend. Yang Jian now leaped out of the map, leaving his foe stumbling around looking for a way out. As Yuan Hong wandered around the map, the landscape transformed to fit whatever happened to be on his mind.
Suddenly, he caught a whiff of something irresistible, something sweet and fragrant. He looked up and saw a huge peach tree, covered with red, juicy peaches. Yuan Hong couldn’t help but turn back into his monkey self and climb the tree. He plucked one of the peaches, sniffed it, and gobbled it down in one bite. Then, he sat down next to the tree and rested.
Just then, Yang Jian suddenly showed up with sword in hand. Yuan Hong tried to get up, but he couldn’t, not with the magic peach in his stomach. Yang Jian now grabbed him by the scalp and tied him up with the demon-taming cord. He then rolled up the map, bowed to the south to thank the goddess for her help, and then returned to camp with monkey in tow.
Upon returning to camp, Yang Jian told Jiang Ziya how Nüwa helped him apprehend the monkey demon. Jiang Ziya was delighted and had the monkey brought in. When he saw it, he said, “This demon has caused immeasurable suffering for mankind. He deserves to die! Take him outside and execute him.”
So the officers dragged the monkey out to the camp gate, where Yang Jian swung his saber and chopped off his head. Except, there was no blood from the stump in the neck. Instead, a wisp of smoke flew out, followed by a white lotus flower, and when the flower bloomed, another monkey head appeared.
Ok, let’s try that again. Yang Jian chopped off this new head, but another grew in its place. This went on for a few rounds before Yang Jian decided to call in Jiang Ziya. Jiang Ziya came out and saw this for himself. He then said, “This monkey has absorbed the essence of heaven and earth, of the sun and the moon. That’s why he can pull this trick. No matter, though.”
He now ordered his men to set up an incense table. Then he took out a red gourd and placed it on the table. This was the magic gourd that the freelance Daoist Lu (4) Ya (1) had given him when they parted after breaking the Ten Thousand Immortals formation. Jiang Ziya now uncorked the gourd, and a long white string emerged. Jiang Ziya then bowed and said, “Treasure, please show yourself.”
An object now appeared at the end of the string. It was about seven-and-a-half inches long and had eyes, from which shot two beams of white light. The light beams fixed the demon monkey in place. Jiang Ziya then bowed again and said, “Treasure, please spin!”
The object now spun a few times in the air, and the monkey’s head hit the ground. This time, blood gushed out of his neck, and the monkey was dead.
Everyone present was freaked out by the killer gourd, so they asked Jiang Ziya what the heck happened. He told them, “This was a gift from Master Lu Ya. He told me I would need it, and turns out he was right. This treasure was honed from pure iron by the essence of the sun, moon, heaven, and earth. It has two eyes with white light beams, which can seize a demon’s spirit from inside its skull. The flying dagger can spin around like a windmill and cut off the head of any demon with just a couple turns.”
Everyone remarked, “The Martial King is truly blessed, to have the aid of such a treasure!”
While Jiang Ziya was busy showing off his deadly toy, the Shang generals Yin (1) Pobai (4,4) and Lei (2) Kai (1) rushed back to the capital to tell King Zhou about the debacle.
“Seven demons from Osmanthus Mountain took human form to fight against the Zhou forces, but they were killed one after another and revealed their true forms,” they said. “They made the court look bad and doomed the entire army. We had no choice but to retreat back here. Right now, the nobles of the land are gathered at Mengjin, and they are exuding malice. We hope your highness will act promptly for the good of the country. You must not allow the nobles to reach the foot of the city, or it would be too late.”
King Zhou panicked and quickly assembled his court and asked his officials for ideas. But everyone just kept their mouths shut. Then, the official Fei (1) Lian (2) stepped forth and said, “Your highness should immediately dispatch an edict to be hung up at the four gates of the city, offering a position at court to anyone who can defeat the enemy. As the old saying goes, ‘When there is a handsome reward, there will be valiant men.’ Also, the officer Lü (3) Renjie (2,2) is a warrior and a scholar. You should order him to mobilize and drill your forces to prepare for a stout defense of the city, so as to exhaust the enemy. The nobles have come a long way, and a quick battle would be to their advantage. If we don’t fight them, once their provisions run out, they will retreat without a battle. Then, you can pursue and rout them. Even with their superior numbers, they would surely be defeated. This is the best course of action.”
It’s an idea, and by default, the best idea his court was offering up. So King Zhou went along with it and posted recruitment notices while commanding Lü Renjie to drill the soldiers and prepare for a defense.
We’ll leave the capital for now and go catch up on a different branch of the Zhou army. This was the force that Jiang Ziya had dispatched to go help Jiang (1) Wenhuan (2,2), the Grand Duke of the East, with his war against the Shang. This army was led by the Nezha’s two elder brothers, Jinzha and Muzha. As they traveled toward their destination, the two brothers started discussing strategy.
“We’ve been sent to help the Grand Duke of the East to make his way through Wandering Soul Pass,” Jinzha said. “We should avoid a drawn-out fight. Let’s disguise ourselves as Daoists and pretend to go to help Dou (4) Rong (2), the Shang commander at the pass. Once we earn his trust, we can coordinate with the forces on the outside and achieve victory in one battle.”
Muzha agreed, so they sent their army on to Jiang Wenhuan to tell him that the brothers will be along shortly. Then, the two fo them fast-traveled to inside Wandering Soul Pass. They went to the commander’s office and requested an audience, introducing themselves as foreign Daoists. Dou Rong invited them in, greeted them, and asked what they were doing there.
“We are the Daoists Sun (1) De (2) and Xu (2) Ren (2) from Penglai (2,2) Island on the East Sea,” Jinzha said. “We were traveling across the land when we passed through here and saw Jiang Wenhua trying to barge through this pass to meet up with the other nobles at Mengjin and attack the king. This is all due to Jiang Ziya’s misdeeds. He riled up the nobles with his slander, plunging the civilians into calamity and the realm into chaos. He is a traitor to all the land, and everyone should try to bring him to justice. Yesterday, we saw omens predicting that the Shang will thrive and that Jiang Ziya and company will suffer. We are willing to lend a hand to help you first capture Jiang Wenhuan and then to sweep behind the nobles and catch them unawares. Then, they will be captured in one battle. It would be like thunder that’s so fast that one has no time to cover his ears. This would be an unrivaled merit. We’re men of religion and should not be involved in matters of war. But since we have encountered this injustice, we have come to offer you our help. Please consider our offer.”
When he heard this, Dou Rong fell silent, but his lieutenant Yao (2) Zhong (2) barked, “Commander, you must not trust these Daoists’ words. Jiang Ziya has tons of Daoists in his service. These two might be spies. I heard a couple days ago that there are 600 nobles helping Ji Fa at Mengjin. Jiang Ziya must have sent these two here in disguise because you’ve been preventing Jiang Wenhuan from joining the rest of them. They are here to serve as the inside men. You must be on guard and cannot trust them lightly.”
Jinzha, however, roared with laughter and said to his brother, “My Daoist friend, it’s just as you predicted.”
He then turned back to Dou Rong and said, “That general is correct. Right now, chaos reigns and it’s hard to tell truths from lies. How can you know whether we are Jiang Ziya’s spies? You have every reason to be suspicious. However, there’s another reason in my coming here. My Daoist uncle was killed by Jiang Ziya in the Ten Thousand Immortals Formation. I’ve long wanted revenge, but could not succeed alone. So I came to borrow your forces, in part to render service to the court, in part to settle my personal score, and in part to lend you a hand. I have no other motives. But since you are suspicious, there’s no point in me staying. We will depart right away.”
At that, he and Muzha turned and started to walk out while laughing. Their act was enough to fool Dou Rong. He thought to himself, “The Zhou does have many enemies among the Daoists. Even though Jiang Ziya has a lot of disciples in his service, there are also many powerful Daoists around the land. What are the chances that these two are Jiang Ziya’s men? Besides, I have a huge army here. Just these two won’t be able to do much anyway, so why should I suspect them? If skilled Daoists want to come help me, I shouldn’t pass up the opportunity.”
So he quickly ordered an attendant to go ask the Daoists to come back. The attendant caught up to Jinzha and Muzha and shouted, “Masters, my lord is inviting you back!”
But Jinzha turned and said sternly, “Heaven and earth can bear witness to my sincerity. I advised your master loyally, but he declined and chose to listen to some lieutenant instead, making us look bad. We will NOT go back!”
But the attendant begged them time and again, saying, “If you don’t come back with me, I won’t dare to go back to see my master either.”
Muzha now played the good cop and said, “Daoist brother, since General Dou is inviting us back, let’s go see how he treats us. If he values u s, then we’ll help him. If not, then we can still leave.”
Jinzha hemmed and hawed before reluctantly agreeing. So they followed the attendant back to Dou Rong’s office. The attendant announced them, and Dou Rong came out and respectfully welcomed them, saying, “I had not had the pleasure to meet you before. With conflicts raging in our realm, we had to keep up our guard, and my officer was bound to harbor suspicions. I was ignorant and indecisive and offended you. Please excuse me! Right now, Jiang Ziya is gathering his forces at Mengjin, and our people are on edge. Jiang Wenhuan is also attacking our pass day and night. How can I resolve the problems of the realm, capture the rebels, and protect the civilians? Please instruct me, and I will follow your guidance.”
Now THIS was more like it. Jinzha now said, “In my view, Jiang Ziya may have hundreds of nobles at Mengjin, but they are of no concern. They all have their own motives and will scatter in time. As for Jiang Wenhuan’s attack on your pass, you must not fight him head on and should instead use strategy to capture him. That will scare the other nobles and they will retreat without a fight. Then you can lead your victorious army and move in on Mengjin from behind. No matter what skills Jiang Ziya possesses, he will not be able to counter. And once the other nobles hear that Jiang Wenhuan has been captured, their morale will sink, and they will leave. Then you can attack them and achieve great victory.”
Dou Rong was elated at this advice. He asked his new helpers to sit while his attendants brought wine. Jinzha and Muzha declined the wine on account of them being men of religion. Instead, they just sat on their meditation mats in front of the hall.
The next morning, Dou Rong was discussing matters with his staff when word came that Jiang Wenhuan was outside demanding battle again. Dou rong said to Jinzha and Muzha, “The Grand Duke of the East is challenging for battle. Do you have any ideas on how to repel him?”
“Let me go have a look first, and then I will devise a scheme to capture him,” Jinzha said. “Please send some men with me to help tie up prisoners.”
Dou Rong was delighted and ordered his army to go out, with himself personally overseeing the lines. To see how this fight will go, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening.
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)