Gods 047: Losing Face
Zhou officers deal with the ignominy of … GASP … losing to a girl.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 47 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, Jiang Ziya and company routed Wen Zhong’s forces and sent him fleeing back toward Shang territory. But Wen Zhong would never make it back home alive. After a torturous journey of attrition, he met his end at the hands of Master of the Clouds, burning to death on Dragon Extinction Peak.
Yet, even in death, Wen Zhong’s loyalty was such that his spirit floated back to the Shang capital. King Zhou was drinking with Daji on his Deer Terrace. After a few drinks, he felt tired and lay down. Suddenly, he saw Wen Zhong standing by his side, saying, “Your old servant went to wage war against the West on your command. But I lost time and again and have met my end on western soil. I hope your highness will govern with compassion, seek out talent to assist the state, abstain from wine and women, and avoid disrupting the court. Pay close attention to state affairs, accept public opinion, and respect the will of heaven. Do your best to repent for the faults you have committed in order to save the empire. I must go now; I cannot tarry any longer.”
Suddenly, King Zhou startled awake and mumbled, “So strange!” Daji asked what was the matter, and he recounted his dream. She told him, “Dreams come from the heart. I have often heard that your highness is worried about Grand Tutor Wen’s campaign. That must be why you had this dream. But Grand Tutor Wen is not one to lose a war.”
“You’re right,” King Zhou said. And so he swept his worries aside.
Meanwhile, Shen (1) Gongbao (1,4), the former Chan sect disciple turned adversary, got news that Wen Zhong was dead, and he seethed with hatred for Jiang Ziya. He now traveled near and far to recruit more Daoists to attack Western Qi in the name of avenging Wen Zhong. One day, he was flying past Dragon Squeezing Mountain on his tiger when he suddenly saw a boy jumping around on a cliff. He rode closer to have a look and realized that it wasn’t a boy, but a midget who was no more than 4 feet tall and had a pale complexion.
“Young lad, where are you from?”
The man came over, greeted Shen Gongbao, and asked him, “Master, where are YOU from?”
“I’m coming from an island.”
“Are you a member of the Jie sect or the Chan sect?”
“Chan sect,” Shen Gongbao replied, which was I guess technically true.
“Ah, then you are my Daoist uncle,” the midget said.
“Oh? Who’s your master? And what’s your name?”
“My master is Juliu (4,2) Sun (1), and my name is Tuxing (3,2) Sun (1).”
And Juliu Sun, by the way, was a member of the class of 12 who had just finished their tussle against Wen Zhong. Shen Gongbao now asked Tuxing Sun how long he had been cultivating his Dao, and Tuxing Sun said he’s been at it for 100 years.
Shaking his head, Shen Gongbao told him, “I don’t think you’ll achieve immortality. You might as well pursue wealth and prosperity in the mortal realm instead.”
“How do you mean?” Tuxing Sun asked.
“In my view, you would be better off being an official and enjoying the king’s largess.”
“And how can I attain that?”
“If you are willing to leave here, I will write you a recommendation letter to help you succeed,” Shen Gongbao told him.
“And where would you send me?”
“I would recommend you to Deng (4) Jiugong (3,1), commander of Three Peaks Pass, and you will find success for sure.”
“If I can attain any measure of success, I would be immensely grateful for your kindness,” Tuxing Sun said.
“So, what skills do you have?” Shen Gongbao asked.
“I can travel great distances quickly.”
“Show me.”
So Tuxing Sun gave his body a little twist, and he was gone in a flash, and then in the blink of an eye, he was back in a flash.
Shen Gongbao was delighted. He said, “Your master has some Immortal Bounding Cords. Go take a couple to help you succeed.”
Tuxing Sun apparently had no qualms about stealing from his master on the behest of this total stranger he just met. So he promptly stole a couple of the magic ropes and five bottles of magic pills, and set out toward Three Peaks Pass. Shen Gongbao, his devious deed done, continued on his recruitment tour.
Meanwhile, the tattered remnants of Wen Zhong’s army fled back to Sishui (4,3) Pass, the first checkpoint on the way back into the heart of the Shang kingdom. They recounted Wen Zhong’s death to the pass commander, Han (2) Rong (2), who quickly sent a report to the capital. When the report reached King Zhou at court, he was stunned.
“A few days ago I dreamed I saw Grand Tutor Wen at the Deer Terrace, telling me he had been defeated at Dragon Extinction Peak,” King Zhou said. “Turns out it’s really true!”
Saddened by the loss of his most loyal and reliable official, King Zhou now asked his civil and military officials who among them would go avenge Wen Zhong. Everybody was murmuring amongst themselves and nobody was volunteering. Eventually, one official stepped forward and volunteered someone else. He said, “Deng Jiugong (3,1), the commander of Three Peaks Pass, had rendered great service by defeating the rebellious Grand Duke of the South. Only he can succeed in a campaign against Western Qi.”
So King Zhou immediately dispatched an envoy to deliver a decree and the symbols of command to Deng Jiugong. The envoy traveled for several days and arrived at Three Peaks Pass. After resting at the government guest house, he went to Deng Jiugong’s office the next day, where Deng Jiugong and his officers were waiting with incense, ready to receive the royal decree. The envoy read the decree commanding Deng Jiugong to attack Western Qi, and then Deng Jiugong treated him to a banquet.
The next day, an officer arrived to take over command of the pass. After taking care of the handover paperwork, Deng Jiugong mobilized his army and offered a sacrifice as he prepared to set out the next day. But just then, his men told him that a shorty had arrived with a recommendation letter. Deng Jiugong summoned him, and soon saw this 4-foot-tall figure coming in and presenting a letter. Deng Jiugong read it and saw that it was from his friend Shen Gongbao, introducing this visitor as Tuxing (2,3) Sun and asking Deng Jiugong to take him into his service.
Now, Deng Jiugong wasn’t too fond of Tuxing Sun, on account of his ugly appearance and his vertically challenged physique. However, he was also worried that it would offend his friend Shen Gongbao if he refused to take in Tuxing Sun. After giving it a lot of thought, he said, “Tuxing Sun, since my friend Shen Gongbao recommended you, I dare not refuse. My rear column lacks provisions, so I will put you in charge of provisions.”
With that minor business taken care of, Deng Jiugong turned his attention to more important matters. He appointed an officer and his son to lead the vanguard, and another two officers as reinforcement. Then, he and his daughter, a warrior in her own right, set out with the main army and marched toward Western Qi.
After a month on the road, Deng Jiugong was approaching the east gate of Western Qi, so he ordered his troops to pitch camp and set off a series of explosives to signal their arrival.
Meanwhile, inside the city, Jiang Ziya got word that another army, this one led by Deng Jiugong, was outside. He asked his officers who Deng Jiugong was, and Flying Tiger said, “He is a true commander.”
But Jiang Ziya laughed and said, “Commanders I can handle; it’s sorcerers that are troublesome.”
The next day, Deng Jiugong asked which officer would take the first crack at the enemy. His vanguard general Tai (4) Luan (2) immediately volunteered. So he led his unit out of camp and lined up. Riding on his horse and wielding a saber, Tai Luan shouted toward the city to demand battle.
When word of this reached Jiang Ziya, he asked who would answer the call. The general Nangong Kuo volunteered and rode out. Across the line, he saw a general who had a face like a crab and a yellow beard.
“Who are you?!” Nangong Kuo shouted.
Tai Luan replied, “I am Tai Luan, vanguard general under Commander Deng (4) of Three Peaks Pass. We have come west on a royal decree to pacify rebels. You all have acted in a most un-vassal-like manner, harboring traitors, staging a rebellion without cause, acting cruelly, killing high officials of the court, and disregarding the court’s command. Even death would not be punishment enough. So we have mobilized a large army to bring you to justice. You all should dismount and surrender, so that you may be taken to the capital to receive your punishment and spare your civilians. If you persist on your misguided path, it would be too late for regrets!”
Nangong Kuo chuckled and said, “Tai Luan, you know that Grand Tutor Wen, the four Mo brothers, the command Zhang Guifang (4,1) and the like have all met their doom and lost their heads here. You all are insignificant gnats. Hurry up and leave so you don’t get killed.”
Tai Luan was irate at that slight, so he galloped forth and attacked. Nangong Kuo countered, and the two engaged in a back-and-forth for 30-some bouts. Suddenly, Tai Luan faked a blow and shouted, “Strike!” as he brought his saber down toward Nangong Kuo. Nangong Kuo had been underestimating his opponent, so he was caught off guard by this move. He went “oh crap!” and dodged. Tai Luan’s saber, however, caught the armor on his shoulder, slicing off a piece of the plate and cutting a bunch of the strings tying the armor together. Nangong Kuo was scared out of his wits and fled back into the city. Tai Luan chased the Zhou army for a bit and then returned to camp in victory.
“I fought against Nangong Kuo today,” he told Deng Jiugong. “I cut off part of his armor, but couldn’t take his head.”
“Even so, you have rendered a great service in blunting the enemy’s momentum,” Deng Jiugong said.
Inside the city, Nangong Kuo went to see Jiang Ziya and reported his setback. Jiang Ziya said, “Victory and defeat are common in war. A general must act as the situation dictates, so that when he advances, he would be assured of victory, and when he retreats, he would be secure. This is vital to being a commander.”
Anyway, the next day, Deng Jiugong ordered his army to storm to the foot of the city and demand to speak with Jiang Ziya. From inside the city, a string of explosives went off as the gates swung open. Two big red banners marched out, followed by an army. Then, another explosive went off, and another army marched out behind two green flags. Finally, a third explosive went off, and two white banners led another army out.
As he watched the Zhou forces line up, Deng Jiugong said to his officers, “Jiang Ziya’s deployment of his troops shows strict order and discipline. He really is a talented commander.”
Just then, another army marched out behind two black banners, and they were followed by a yellow banner that preceded the main army. From this army emerged 24 officers, all clad in gold armor and red battle robes. They lined up on the flanks, 12 to a side. In the center was Jiang Ziya, seated atop his Four Not Like.
Deng Jiugong was thoroughly impressed by this display. He nodded and sighed, “They really live up to their reputation! No wonder the previous armies that came here were all crushed. They are a truly formidable foe!”
He now rode forward and said, “Greetings, Jiang Ziya.”
“Commander Deng, accept my humble greetings,” Jiang Ziya replied.
Deng Jiugong now launched into his speech. “Your lord Ji Fa is acting unjustly and recklessly. You are a learned man from Kunlun Mountain. How can you not understand the proper relationship between vassal and lord? How can it be just to betray one’s country, harbor fugitives, and violate the norms of governance? You all have angered the king, prompting him to send armies to punish you. And you dared to resist and violate the state’s laws. You are inviting defeat and death. And now, the heavenly army has arrived. Surrender now, so that you may spare your city’s civilians from destruction. If you refuse my advice, it will be too late for regrets when your city is sacked and all is reduced to ash.”
But Jiang Ziya laughed and said, “General Deng, your speech is pure nonsense. Right now all under heaven support the Zhou. The multiple armies that have attacked us have been wiped out. Right now, you have no more than 10 officers and 200,000 soldiers. It’s like sending lambs to fight tigers and throwing eggs against rocks. How can you not lose? In my humble opinion, you should retreat right away and relay to your king that we do not harbor any treasonous intent. It would be best for everyone if we each stay on our side of the border. If you persist on your misguided path, you might follow Grand Tutor Wen’s lead. What then?!”
Deng Jiugong did not appreciate that “advice”. He turned to his officers and fumed, “That lowly scoundrel dares to insult the court’s representative! My anger cannot be appeased if I don’t slay that country bumpkin!”
So he raised his saber and galloped toward Jiang Ziya. From the Zhou side, Flying Tiger dashed out on his magic cow and shouted, “Deng Jiugong, watch yourself!”
Deng Jiugong shot back, “Flying Tiger, you traitor! How dare you face me?!”
The two now started trading blows. After they fought for a while without either gaining the upper hand, Nezha sped out on his hot wheels to join the fight. From the opposite side, Deng Jiugong’s eldest son, Deng Shou (4), rode out to take him on. Then Huang Tianhua galloped out on his jade qilin, and he was met by Deng Jiugong’s vanguard general Tai Luan. Pretty soon, more officers from both sides joined the fight, and it quickly turned into a scrum.
In the midst of this dogfight, Nezha discreetly took out his Universal Ring and hurled it at Deng Jiugong. It struck him on the left arm, almost knocking him off his saddle. When the Zhou soldiers saw this, they swarmed forward to try to sweep the Shang army off the field. But then one of Deng Jiugong’s officers, Zhao (4) Sheng (1), opened his mouth and started breathing fire, scorching his foe and knocking the Zhou forces back on their heels. After a long, inconclusive fight, both sides called it a day and both tended to their wounded.
In the Shang camp, Deng Jiugong was hurting all night from his injury, and it irritated his daughter Deng Chanyu (2,4) to no end. The next day, she went to see him and said, “Father, tend to your injury while I go avenge you.”
“You must be careful,” he told her.
Deng Chanyu now led her unit to the foot of the city and demanded battle. When Jiang Ziya got word that a female warrior was outside asking for a fight, he remained silent for a good while. Flying Tiger asked, “Prime minister, you have been in many battles and have shown no hesitation. So why are you so indecisive now?”
“There are three things to be wary of in war,” Jiang Ziya replied. “Daoists, Buddhist monks, and women. They all have some kind of sorcery or dirty trick up their sleeve. I am worried that our soldiers will be caught off guard and suffer a defeat.”
Of course, as we have seen, everyone in this novel, be they man or woman, has some dirty trick up their sleeve. But anyway, Nezha immediately volunteered to go test that theory. So Jiang Ziya sent him out, with reminders to be careful. Nezha rolled out on his wheels and saw his opponent. Deng Chanyu asked who he was, and Nezha replied, “I am Nezha, serving under Prime Minister Jiang. You are just a girl, not even full grown yet. How dare you parade yourself on the battlefield? Aren’t you ashamed to be going against common decency and exposing yourself thusly? I’m guessing you know something about war, but even so, you can’t win against me. Hurry on back and send a reputed officer to face me instead.”
Deng Chanyu was irate, not so much for what he said, but for who he was. “So you are the one who injured my father,” she fumed. “Have a taste of my blade!”
As she spoke, she gritted her teeth and her face turned red. She galloped toward Nezha while wielding a pair of cutlasses. He raised his fiery spear to take her on. After just a few bouts, Deng Chanyu thought to herself, “I should strike first.” So she turned and rode away, shouting, “I’m no match for you!”
“Heh, yeah, I figured. A girl is no match for me after all,” Nezha scoffed as he gave chase. But before he got far, Deng Chanyu had latched her cutlasses, took out a pebble, and dinged him squarely in his face with it.
A little while later, inside Western Qi, Jiang Ziya saw Nezha limping back in with a giant bruise on his face and asked him what happened.
“I was fighting against Deng Chanyu, and that whore retreated after just a few exchanges. I gave chase to try to capture her, but she turned and hurled a pebble at me. It struck me on the face and left me in this sorry state.”
While Jiang Ziya entreated Nezha to be more careful when pursuing the enemy, his comrade Huang Tianhua couldn’t help but get in a dig.
“A general must be aware of his surroundings at all times on the battlefield,” Huang Tianhua said patronizingly. “How could you not be able to defend yourself against a mere pebble? Well, now your nose is busted. There goes your looks for the rest of your life.”
Nezha was furious at that insult, not to mention his injury. But you know, considering all the sexist crap he was spewing earlier, one might say he got his just deserts.
On the Shang side, Deng Chanyu reported back to her father. He was delighted to hear about her victory, but still hurting from his injury. So the next day, Deng Chanyu again rode out to challenge for battle. This time, Huang Tianhua volunteered to answer the call. He rode out on his jade qilin, and Deng Chanyu asked for his name.
“I am Lord Flying Tiger’s eldest son, Huang Tianhua,” he replied. “Youwhore. Are you the one who wounded my Daoist brother Nezha with a pebble yesterday? Don’t you run!”
And so he raised his mallets while she hoisted her cutlasses, and they went at it. After a few bouts, Deng Chanyu again rode away. As she did so, she shouted, “Huang Tianhua, do you dare to chase me?”
Now, Huang Tianhua knew full well what her game was, but he thought to himself, “If I don’t chase her, then Nezha might laugh at me.” So he galloped after her. Before he had gone far, he saw a flash of light heading toward him. Before he could duck, the pebble had already struck him in the face. In fact, this one was even worse than the bruise that Nezha got yesterday, and Huang Tianhua hurriedly rode back into the city while holding his face.
When he reported back to Jiang Ziya, the latter asked him how he could have been caught off guard by the exact trick he was supposed to be on the lookout for. Huang Tianhua could only mumble, “That whore was too quick with her pebble.”
While Jiang Ziya told Huang Tianhua to go get some rest, it was now Nezha’s turn to get in a dig. “A general must be fully aware of his surroundings at all times on the battlefield,” Nezha said. “How can you let a woman beat you? You will never live this down.”
“How dare you throw my words back at me?” Huang Tianhua fumed. “I was just kidding around; how can you take it to heart?!”
“Oh, did you forget how you humiliated me yesterday?” Nezha shot back.
As the two bickered back and forth, Jiang Ziya cut in and reproached them both, “You are both supposed to be serving the country! There’s no need for this!” And that sent both doofuses skulking back to their tents in shame.
In the Shang camp, the commander Deng Jiugong was happy about his daughter’s victory, but his injured arm was still killing him, and the days passed like years. The next day, Deng Chanyu again went to demand battle. This time, when Jiang Ziya asked who will go fight her, Yang Jian whispered to Dragon-Beard Tiger, “Hey brother, that woman uses pebbles as a weapon. That’s right up your alley. You should go, and I’ll back you up.”
So the two of them volunteered and went out. Deng Chanyu was quite taken aback by the sight of this weird dragon-tiger hybrid creature, and she shouted, “What is that thing coming this way?!”
Dragon-Beard Tiger was furious. “You whore! I’m Dragon-Beard Tiger, a disciple of Prime Minister Jiang’s.”
“What do you want?” she asked.
“On my master’s command, I have come to capture you.”
As he spoke, Dragon-Beard Tiger unleashed boulders the size of millstones. They flew like locusts and kicked up an awful lot of dust. Seeing this, Deng Chanyu thought to herself, “Those boulders are dangerous! If I don’t watch out, they might hit my horse.”
So she turned and rode away. Dragon-Beard Tiger gave chase, but that was exactly the wrong move. Before he had taken more than a few steps, a pebble came flying at him. He ducked, but his neck was so long that the pebble struck him on the back of the neck. As Dragon-Beard Tiger turned and retreated while holding his neck, he was struck again by another pebble, and this one almost knocked him off his feet.
Deng Chanyu now turned and charged at Dragon-Beard Tiger. On the Zhou side, Yang Jian shouted, “Don’t you dare harm my Daoist brother!”
As he roared, he galloped out with spear in hand to take her on. After they traded a few blows, Deng Chanyu again used her fake retreat trick. Yang Jian gave chase, and she hurled another pebble. This one, too, found its mark as it struck Yang Jian right in his face. But there was just one problem. Instead of drawing blood, the pebble just clanked off his face with sparks flying, and Yang Jian didn’t even seem to feel it as he continued to give chase.
Seeing this, Deng Chanyu let fly another pebble, and this one, too, found its mark, but it again just clanked off Yang Jian’s face without doing a thing. And now, Yang Jian was closing in. Deng Chanyu let fly a third pebble, but with the same result.
Now, it was Yang Jian’s turn. He unleashed his Sky-Barking Hound, and that dog’s fang found Deng Chanyu’s neck, tearing out a piece of skin and flesh. It was so painful that she almost fell off her horse. She managed to stay in the saddle and fled back into camp. Yang Jian rescued Dragon-Beard Tiger and they returned to the city. Despite their victory, however, Jiang Ziya was still troubled by the enemy on his doorstep.
The mood was even more dour in the opposing camp. Deng Jiugong was quite dismayed and troubled upon seeing his daughter return injured. And as he sat in his tent, he was still seething about Nezha injuring his arm. While he and his daughter were recovering, his other officers discussed what to do. Just then, word came that their provisions officer, the recently appointed Tuxing (3,2) Sun (1), had arrived.
When Tuxing Sun came into the main tent, he didn’t see the commander, so he asked what was up. The other officers brought him up to speed, and he went to pay his respects to Deng Jiugong in his tent.
“That Nezha broke my arm and it won’t heal,” Deng Jiugong lamented. “I had come on the king’s decree. Who knew it would end up like this?”
“Commander, this injury is no problem,” Tuxing Sun said. “I’ve got the medicine for it.”
He then took a golden pill out of his gourd, dissolved it in water, and applied it to the wound with a feather. Within moments, the pain stopped.
Just then, Tuxing Sun heard a woman moaning in pain in the back tent, and he asked who that was. Deng Jiugong told him that it was his daughter who had also been injured. So Tuxing Sun asked Deng Chanyu to come out, whereupon he applied the same treatment and healed her injury as well.
Deng Jiugong was delighted at this and threw a banquet to welcome Tuxing Sun. As they drank, Tuxing Sun asked Deng Jiugong how many battles he had fought against Jiang Ziya.
“We have fought a number of times, but haven’t been able to beat him,” Deng Jiugong said.
Tuxing Sun laughed and said, “If you had been willing to use my talents, you would have pacified Western Qi long ago.”
Deng Jiugong thought to himself, “This man must have some Daoist skills. Otherwise, Shen Gongbao won’t have recommended him to me. Fine, there’s no harm in giving him a shot.”
So the next morning, Deng Jiugong assembled his officers and told Tai Luan, “Let Tuxing Sun have your seal as vanguard general for now. If he can achieve victory, then we can go home in triumph and enjoy the king’s benevolence, rather than dragging this war out. What do you think?”
“Commander, I would never dare to refuse your order,” Tai Luan said. “It would be wonderful if Tuxing Sun can achieve victory.”
So Tuxing Sun received the seal for command of the vanguard and led his unit to the foot of Western Qi. To see how he would fare, tune into the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)
- “Loneliest Road in America (US 50)” by Jesse Gallagher (from YouTube audio library)