Gods 045: Daoist Flex
Just when things look dire for the Chan sect, a couple adults show up on the scene to lecture the kids about showing their elders some respect.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 45 of Investiture of the Gods.
Last time, the Chan sect Daoists killed off Zhao Gongming, the main Jie sect rival who was giving them trouble. But then their leader, Master Burning Lamp, inexplicably sent the Zhou king, Ji Fa, into the last of the 10 deadly formations, and he promptly got dropped into a deep pit, along with his escorts Nezha and Thunderbolt. And on top of that, Zhao Gongming’s three sisters, along with a couple of their friends, soon showed up looking for vengeance. To do so, they decided to, surprise, lay out another formation. But this one, they promised Grand Tutor Wen Zhong, was awesome and would totally get the job done where nine of the other ten formations had failed.
As we resume our narrative, Wen Zhong and the five ladies had just gone out to challenge for battle. On the other side, Jiang Ziya and company came out and lined up across the battlefield. The eldest of Zhao Gongming’s sisters, High Firmament, said, “Jiang Ziya, when it comes to comparing our two sects’ powers, we all know the same basic skills, like fast-traveling via the five elements or moving oceans and mountains. But I have laid out a formation for you. If you can break it, then we will all submit to Western Qi and will not dare to be your enemy. But if you can’t break it, then I will avenge my brother.”
On Jiang Ziya’s side, the Daoist warrior Yang Jian replied, “I shall accompany my Daoist uncle to go take a look at your formation. But you can’t use that opportunity to take a cheap shot at us.”
“Who are you?” High Firmament asked.
“I am Yang Jian, a disciple of Master Jade Tripod.”
“Ah, I have heard of you and your powers of transformation. I figure you’ll try to use those same tricks to attack my formation. Well, unlike you, I would never do anything underhanded, like releasing my dog to injure someone. Hurry up and go take a look at the formation, and then we can talk about your chances.”
Yang Jian and company swallowed their anger at those insults and escorted Jiang Ziya as they went for a closer look at the formation. By the entrance, they saw a small placard with the words, “Nine Bends Yellow River Formation.” The formation didn’t have a whole lot of soldiers, only about five or six hundred, and there were five different color pennants inside.
After they had a good look, Jiang Ziya and company returned to the front lines, and HIgh Firmament asked, “Jiang Ziya, do you recognize this formation?”
“Well, the sign clearly states the name, so how can I not recognize it?” Jiang Ziya replied.
Green Firmament, the middle sister, now shouted at Yang Jian, “Why don’t you release your hound again?!”
Yang Jian galloped out with spear raised to attack, and Green Firmament flew out on her bird while wielding a sword. After they exchanged just a few blows, High Firmament unleashed her magic golden dipper. Before Yang Jian even knew what hit him, a golden beam shot out and sucked him into the dipper, and then ejected him into the Yellow River Formation.
Yang Jian’s comrade Jinzha shouted, “What sorcery did you use to capture my Daoist brother?!” as he raised his sword to join the battle. The youngest sister, Jade Firmament, took him on. Soon, Jinzha unleashed his magic weapon, the Dragon-Bounding Stake, which had been quite effective the previous times it was used in this novel. But High Firmament saw it and simply chuckled and said, “Aww, how cute.” She took her dipper in hand, and pointed with her middle finger, and the Dragon-Bounding Stake immediately got sucked into the dipper. And then, it hoovered up Jinzha as well and also deposited him inside the Yellow River Formation.
Seeing his brother get captured, Muzha shouted, “Your sorceress, what witchcraft did you use against my brother?!” He charged out and took a swing at Jade Firmament with his sword. After three bouts, Muzha gave his shoulder a shake, and the sword he was carrying on his back flew out of its scabbard and sailed into the air. But Jade Firmament laughed and said, “That sword is no magic treasure, and even it were, it can’t hurt me.”
She simply waved her hand, and the sword fell into the magic dipper. High Firmament now turned the dipper on Muzha, who also ended up getting sucked in and thrown into the Yellow River Formation.
High Firmament now turned her attention to Jiang Ziya as she spurred on her green phoenix and flew right at him. Jiang Ziya was panicking after seeing three of his men get captured. After exchanging a few blows, High Firmament again unleashed her magic dipper. Jiang Ziya hurriedly waved a yellow flag, which sent golden flowers into the air. The flowers kept the dipper spinning in the sky, which gave Jiang Ziya the opening he needed to flee from the battlefield.
When Jiang Ziya returned to the reed pavilion in defeat, Master Burning Lamp told everyone, “The enemy is using the Universe Muddling Golden Dipper. This is truly trouble for us. If we get sent into the formation, the ones with deep cultivation in the Dao should be ok, but the ones who don’t might suffer.”
Meanwhile, High Firmament reported back to the Shang camp in victory. Wen Zhong asked her how she would deal with the three prisoners she captured today, and she said, “I will deal with them when I meet Burning Lamp.” Wen Zhong then set up a banquet to celebrate her victory. That, on top of having captured Ji Fa, Nezha, and Thunderbolt in the Red Sand Formation earlier, made Wen Zhong very happy.
The next day, the five ladies again went out and demanded to speak with Burning Lamp, who rode out on his deer with the other Daoists and greeted High Firmament.
“Master Burning Lamp,” High Firmament said, “today you and I must fight it out. I have set up a formation; please come have a look. I only did this because your sect’s disciples have disrespected our sect too much. Now, we are beyond reconciliation. Which learned master from your sect will come attack my formation?”
Burning Lamp smiled and said, “My friend, you are mistaken. How can you fail to understand the philosophy of cycles. Since the beginning of time, everything has operated in cycles. That was the case with Zhao Gongiming. He wasn’t destined to be an immortal, so he was fated to meet with disaster.
The youngest sister, Jade Firmament, had heard enough. She said to High Firmament, “Sister, since we’ve set up our formation, why waste your breath debating Daoist philosophy with him? Let me go capture him. Let’s see what skills he’s got!”
And so Jade Firmament flew out on her bird, brandishing her sword. From the other side, Pure Essence stepped out and shouted, “Don’t you brag! Jade Firmament, since you’re here today, you can’t dodge disaster!”
As he spoke, he pulled out his sword to face her. Jade Firmament was so furious that her cheeks had the color of peach blossoms as she traded blows with Pure Essence. After a few exchanges, High Firmament unleashed her magic dipper again, and just like all before him, Pure Essence was sucked up by a beam of golden light and deposited into the Yellow River Formation, whose magic immediately rendered him unconscious like a drunkard.
One of Pure Essence’s comrades, Grand Completion, raced out and shouted, “High Firmament, don’t you underestimate our sect!”
High Firmament flew out on her green phoenix and said, “Grand Completion, you may be one of the Chan sect’s top practitioners, but even you cannot hide from my magic weapon.”
Grand Completion laughed and said, “I’ve already broken the commandment on killing, so why should I run from my fate? If it’s destined, how could I do anything against the will of heaven?”
As he sp[oke, he raised his sword and attacked. Jade Firmament raised her sword to counter. While they fought, her sister Green Firmament unleashed the magic dipper, and Grand Completion soon found himself dropped into the Yellow River Formation as well.
And at this point, the novel thankfully spares us from having to read the exact same plot 10 more times. It just says that High Firmament then repeated the process with all the other members of the class of 12 in the Chan sect, and soon, all 12 of them had been apprehended inside the Yellow River Formation. And the formation didn’t just trap them; it also sapped away all their cultivation of the Dao. Basically, they lost all their skill points.
On the Chan side, it was now just Burning Lamp and Jiang Ziya. High Firmament once again pulled out her dipper and shouted, “There is no turning back, so we might as well finish this! Burning Lamp, there’s nowhere to run!”
But she was obviously mistaken, because Burning Lamp immediately turned into a gust of wind and ran away. The three sisters figured they had a good day nonetheless, so they returned to camp, and were treated to a celebratory banquet by a joyous Grand Tutor Wen. But after the banquet, High Firmament sat alone and thought to herself, “What’s done is done, but it’s not good to have so many members of the Chan sect trapped in my formation. I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place.”
Meanwhile, after fleeing, Burning Lamp returned to the pavilion and met up with Jiang Ziya.
“Who knew that so many of our Daoist brothers would be trapped inside the Yellow River Formation,” Jiang Ziya said. “Who knows what their fates are?”
“They’ll be ok, though it’s a shame that they’ve lost their progress in cultivating their Dao,” Burning Lamp said. “I must go back to the Jade Emptiness Palace. You stay here and keep watch. I expect our Daoist friends will not lose their lives.”
And so, Burning Lamp fast-traveled to Kunlun Mountain and went to the Jade Emptiness Palace, the home of the Chan sect. There, he found the White Crane Acolyte keeping watch and asked him, “Where has our master gone?”
The White Crane Acolyte replied, “Sir, our master has flown off to Western Qi. You should rush back and prepare to receive him.”
So Burning Lamp hurried back to Western Qi and told Jiang Ziya that they needed to roll out the red carpet pronto. So Jiang Ziya quickly bathed and set up incense. Soon, the smoke of incense covered the ground, and they heard heavenly music from the sky. Holding a stick of incense, Burning Lamp kneeled on the ground and said, “Master, your disciple didn’t know that you were coming. Please pardon us for not giving you a grand welcome.”
From the sky, the founder of the Chan sect, Heavenly Primogenitor, descended in his Nine Dragon Sandalwood Carriage, followed by his senior disciple, Immortal of the South Pole. Burning Lamp and Jiang Ziya welcomed their master into the pavilion and again kowtowed.
After he told them to get up, Jiang Ziya said, “The Daoists from Three Fairy Island have set up a Yellow River Formation, and we are in mortal danger. Master, please exercise your great compassion and save us!”
“All is preordained by heaven, and no one can change it; say no more,” Heavenly Primogenitor replied. He then sat quietly, while Burning Lamp and Jiang Ziya stood in attendance. At midnight, a huge, brightly colored cloud rose up from the top of Heavenly Primogenitor’s head, and thousands of lanterns floated up and down above the pavilion.
Across the way, High Firmament saw this cloud and told her sisters, “Our Daoist uncle is here. Sister, I didn’t want to come here, but you two refused to listen. In the heat of the moment, I deployed this formation and trapped the disciples of the Chan sect within it. But I can’t release them or harm them. And now, their master has come. How can we face him? This is a tough situation!”
Jade Firmament said, “Sister, you’re wrong! He’s not our master. We only pay him deference on account of his connection to our master. We don’t belong to his sect, so why should we fear him?”
Green Firmament chimed in and suggested, “When we face him, let’s show him respect. If he doesn’t raise a ruckus, then we can proceed respectfully. If he behaves respectfully, then we can call him Daoist uncle or whatever. But if he treats us like the enemy, then we can dispense with courtesy. Our formation is already deployed. There’s no turning back, so why worry so much?!”
The next morning, Heavenly Primogenitor told Immortal of the South Pole, “Prepare my carriage. I will set out shortly to go pay a visit inside the Yellow River Formation.”
So, with Burning Lamp leading the way, and Jiang Ziya following behind, Heavenly Primogenitor went to the front lines. There, the White Crane Acolyte shouted, “High Firmament from Three Fairly Island, come greet my master!”
On the other side, the three sisters came out, bowed lightly, and said, “Daoist uncle, pardon us for our rudeness.”
Heavenly Primogenitor said, “Ladies, my disciples were destined to run afoul of your formation. But there’s just one thing. Even your master does not dare to act so recklessly, so why are you all insistent on violating his command and acting against heaven, committing the offense of breaking your sect’s teachings? You all can go on into your formation. I’ll be along shortly.”
With the gauntlet thrown, the three ladies went into their formation, ascended their Eight Trigram Terrace, and waited to see what tricks Heavenly Primogenitor had up his sleeve. Before long, they saw him flying into the formation in his carriage. He looked down and saw his 1 disciples all lying on the ground with their eyes closed as if they were fast asleep. He sighed and lamented, “Because you all had not severed yourselves from all desires, you have lost all the progress you had made in following the Dao.”
Heavenly Primogenitor now turned to leave the formation. But as he did so, one of the other Jie sect female Daoists, Colorful Cloud, grabbed a handful of Eye-Blinding Pearls and hurled them at him. But as soon as they got near him, all the pearls disintegrated into dust. Seeing this made High Firmament turn pale.
When Heavenly Primogenitor returned to the pavilion on his side of the lines, Burning Lamp asked him how the other disciples were.
“They have lost their powers and are now mere mortals,” he said.
“Why didn’t you break the formation and rescue them while you were in there just now?” Burning Lamp asked.
Heavenly Primogenitor chuckled and said, “Even though I oversee our sect, I still have an elder Daoist brother and I must consult him before taking action.”
Before he finished speaking, they heard the call of a deer from the sky, and Heavenly Primogenitor said, “My elder Daoist brother is here.”
And sure enough, that elder Daoist brother, the aforementioned Lao Zi, the founder of Daoism, descended from the heavens, riding on an ox. He was accompanied by his lieutenant, Chief Priest Xuandu (2,1).
Heavenly Primogenitor welcomed Lao Zi and said while laughing, “We have to trouble you to show up, for the sake of the 800-year enterprise of the House of Zhou.”
“Well, I had no choice but to come,” Lao Zi replied as they followed Burning Lamp into the pavilion.
So, way back in episode 12, I gave a short overview of the landscape of the Daoist canon as conceived in the novel. I mentioned that the three highest figures in the Daoist Pantheon were the Three Purities, and we have two of them gathered here in Lao Zi and Heavenly Primogenitor. The third, who had yet to appear, was the Grandmaster of Heaven, who founded the Jie sect. Rest assured, we’ll see him before all’s said and done.
After they sat down, Lao Zi asked Heavenly Primogenitor, “The acolytes of Three Fairy Island set up a Yellow River Formation, and our disciples are in danger. Have you gone to take a look?”
“I went in for a look just now, and it was just as indicated by the signs of heaven,” Heavenly Primogenitor replied. “So I was waiting for you.”
“Well, why didn’t you just break the formation, then? No need to wait for me,” Lao Zi said.
Then the two of them sat in silence.
On the other side of the lines, the three ladies could see a pagoda floating in the air above Lao Zi, shooting out colorful beams of light. High Firmament said to her sisters, “Now Lao Zi is here. What should we do?!”
Green Firmament said, “Sister, we have our own master, so why worry about theirs?! If they come again, let’s just treat them courteously like we did yesterday. There’s no need to fear them.”
“No, that won’t do; this is bad news,” High Firmament said as she shook her head.
Jade Firmament suggested, “Once he enters the formation, let’s unleash the Golden Dragon Scissors and the Golden Dipper. No need to be afraid of him.”
The next morning, Lao Zi said to Heavenly Primogenitor, “Once we break the Yellow River Formation today, we should leave quickly. It’s best not to tarry for long in the mortal realm.”
“You’re quite right, brother,” Heavenly Primogenitor replied.
So Heavenly Primogenitor now got into his carriage, while Lao Zi hopped on his ox. Burning Lamp led the way, and as they made their way to the front lines, an exotic fragrance permeated the air, and a red haze covered the ground. When they arrived in front of the formation, Chief Priest Xuandu shouted, “The ladies of Three Fairy Island, come welcome my master!”
A bell rang from inside the formation, and the three ladies came out, standing but not bowing. Lao Zi lectured them, “How dare you all violate the rules and show such disrespect? Even your master bows when he meets me, and yet you show no courtesy at all!”
Green Firmament shot back and said, “We bow only to our sect’s master. Who are you to us? You don’t show us any respect, and so we won’t show you any. That is common custom.”
Chief Priest Xuandu shouted, “You scoundrel! You’ve got some gall, to speak so disrespectfully to my master! Hurry up and go back into your formation!”
And so, the three ladies returned to their formation, ready for battle. Lao Zi and Heavenly Primogenitor rode into the formation, followed by the White Crane Acolyte. Again, they saw their disciples lying deep asleep, along with a few mutilated bodies on the Eight Trigram Terrace.
“Alas, pity their millennia of cultivation, now all reduced to dust,” Lao Zi sighed.
Just then, Jade Firmament sent her Golden Dragon Scissors skyward. The scissors turned into twin dragons and came charging down toward Lao Zi. When he saw them coming, Laozi simply raised his sleeve, and the scissors fell right into them harmlessly.
Green Firmament now unleashed the Golden Dipper. But Lao Zi took out his straw cushion, which was called the fire-and-wind cushion, and tossed it into the air. He then summoned a divine bodyguard and said, “Take that dipper back to the Jade Emptiness Palace,” and the bodyguard promptly sharked the dipper and went off.
The three sisters were furious and shouted, “How can we let you get away with our treasures?!”
They now rushed off their terrace with sword in hand and charged. Lao Zi calmly took out his magic map, unfurled it, and told his bodyguard, “Use this to wrap up High Firmament and pin her under Qilin Cliff on Kunlun Mountain.”
And just like that, the bodyguard easily corralled High Firmament with the mpa and headed off toward Kunlun Mountain. Meanwhile, Jade Firmament was approaching with sword drawn. But Heavenly Primogenitor ordered the White Crane Acolyte to unleash his Three Treasure Lucky Jade Scepter. The scepter flew into the sky and came down on Jade Firmament’s head, cracking it open and killing her instantly.
The last remaining sister, Green Firmament, shouted, “My sisters had cultivated their Dao for millennia, and yet you have destroyed them both in one stroke!”
She now sent her sword flying in the direction of Heavenly Primogenitor, but The White Crane Acolyte again let fly the scepter, and it knocked the sword to the ground. Heavenly Primogenitor now took out a box from his sleeve, opened the lid, and tossed the box into the air. Green Firmament and her bird were both sucked into the box. Heavenly Primogenitor closed the lid, and before long, all that remained was a puddle of blood.
After that little flex, Lao Zi and Heavenly Primogenitor now turned their attention to their disciples. Heavenly Primogenitor pointed at them with his middle finger, and a sound of thunder erupted from the ground. All the members of the class of 12 suddenly startled awake, along with Yang Jian, Jinzha, and Muzha, who had been previously captured. They all now kneeled on the ground. Lao Zi then turned his ox around and rode back to the pavilion, followed by all the members of the Chan sect.
Once back at the pavilion, Heavenly Primogenitor told the freed disciples, “It’s a pity that you have lost the power of the divine flowers that you had worked so hard to cultivate. But it was preordained and could not be avoided. Nonetheless, there are still many hardships ahead for Jiang Ziya, and h e will still need your help from time to time. I will teach you to travel on a golden beam of light that will allow you to cover thousands of miles a day.”
He then returned all the magic weapons that his disciples had lost to the Golden Dipper and said, “I will leave Immortal of the South Pole here to break the Red Sand formation. My Daoist brother and I will return to the Jade Emptiness Palace for now. White Crane Acolyte, you come along as well.”
And just like that, the two Purities called it a day and went home.
On the other side, after watching the three sisters bite the dust, the two remaining female Daoists, Colorful Cloud and Celestial Lotus, were furious. They went to report the bad news to Grand Tutor Wen, who was once again greatly perturbed. He sent word back to the Shang capital to request reinforcements, and then sent an urgent message to Three Mountain Pass, telling its commander, Deng (4) Jiugong (3,1), to bring his forces to the front.
Meanwhile, at the reed pavilion, the Chan sect Daoists sat in meditation, while Immortal of the South Pole set a time and date for breaking the last remaining formation. Remember, Burning Lamp had predicted that when the Martial King Ji Fa went into the formation that he would be trapped in there for a hundred days. On day 99, Jiang Ziya came to see Burning Lamp and said, “Master, tomorrow will be the day to break the formation.”
So the next day, all the Daoists walked out to the front, led by Immortal of the South Pole, and they shouted, “Our master is coming to meet the overseer of the Red Sand Formation!”
From within the formation, the Daoist Zhang Jie (2) galloped out on his deer with sword in hand. When he saw Immortal of the South Pole, he said, “Daoist brother, you are known for your benevolence. You’re not suited to break this formation. I worry that you will lose your life in there.”
“Zhang Jie, no need for so many words,” Immortal of the South Pole said. “I am the one to break this formation today, and you likely will not be long for this world.”
Zhang Jie was infuriated and attacked, and Immortal of the South Pole defended himself, while the White Crane Acolyte also joined the fight with his jade scepter. After a few bouts, Zhang Jie retreated into his formation, and Immortal of the South Pole and White Crane Acolyte followed. When they entered, they saw that Zhang Jie had ascended his terrace and was now hurling handfuls of red sand at them.
Immortal of the South Pole took out his magic fan and gave it a wave, and the red sand instantly vanished without a trace. Zhang Jie now poured a whole heap of red sand down on him, but Immortal of the South Pole just kept waving his fan, and all the sand disappeared.
“Zhang Jie, you can’t escape calamity today!” Immortal of the South Pole said.
Zhang Jie tried to flee, but the White Crane Acolyte had already unleashed his jade scepter. It struck Zhang Jie in the back, sending him tumbling off his terrace. White Crane Acolyte quickly brought his sword down, and in the blink of an eye, his clothes were stained with Zhang Jie’s blood.
They now went to the pit where Ji Fa, Nezha, and Thunderbolt were trapped. Immortal of the South Pole summoned a thunder so loud that Nezha and Thunderbolt startled awake. When they opened their eyes, they saw Immortal of the South Pole and realized that the cavalry had arrived. Nezha quickly reached over to help Ji Fa to his feet. But only now did he realize that Ji Fa was already dead, and his horse, which had fallen into the pit with him, had already started to rot.
In that moment, Jiang Ziya rode into the formation. When he rushed to the pit and saw that his lord Ji Fa was dead, he started to wail nonstop. But Burning Lamp was like, my man, where have you been the last 44 episodes? Don’t you know there’s a difference between dead and Investiture of the Gods dead? Besides, what do you think those charms I drew on his body were for?
Burning Lamp now ordered Thunderbolt to carry Ji Fa’s body back to the pavilion. There, they set him down and washed him clean. Burning Lamp then dissolved a pill in water and poured it into Ji Fa’s mouth. Four hours later, Ji Fa opened his eyes, looked around, and saw Jiang Ziya and company hovering over him.
“Minister Father, we meet again!” Ji Fa exclaimed.
Breathing a huge sigh of relief, Jiang Ziya ordered attendants to escort Ji Fa back to his palace. Then, Burning Lamp said to all the Chan Daoists, “Now that we have broken the 10 formations, my work here is done, and we should all go home. The only exceptions are Grand Completion, who will go to Peach Blossom Peak to prevent Wen Zhong from returning to Sweet Dreams Pass, and Pure Essence, who will go to Yan (1) Mountain to keep him from returning to the five passes. Also, Merciful Navigation will remain here. Everyone else should depart.”
As they all headed out of the pavilion, another Daoist suddenly showed up. To see who this was, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening!
Music in This Episode
- “Sao Meo” by Doug Maxwell / Zac Zinger
- “The Quiet Aftermath by Sir Cubworth (from YouTube audio library)
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)